The Shadow
by Aofie
Summary: Snarry fic. The war is over, the Trio is back at Hogwarts completing their seventh year, but not all is right with Harry- and no one can see it but Snape.
1. What was that?

What was that? The dark shadow flitted on the edge of his vision, dancing just out of reach.

It was not the first time he'd seen it.

Harry rubbed his hand over his face and looked more closely, all he could see now was his reflection, skinny and pale, and staring back at him.

He looked away, he hated his reflection, hated how it never changed.

'Harry? What's taking you so long?' Ron stuck his head around the corner and poked harry in the ribs.

'Nothing.' He said slowly, his eyes had wandered back to the mirror. 'Nothings wrong.'

'I didn't ask what was wrong mate.' Ron said softly. 'I asked what was taking you so long.'

'Oh ok, uh, nothing. I'm coming' Harry turned away from the mirror and followed Ron out of the dormitory.

They met Hermione at the bottom of the stairs and followed her silently into the great hall. It was strange to be back at Hogwarts after all that had happened in the past year. Most students from their class had returned to repeat their seventh year as no one had learned much under the Carrow's tutelage, and of course the muggle borns hadn't learned anything at all except how to run for their lives. Despite everything that had happened the world kept on spinning and even Hogwarts itself was almost back to normal, her walls repaired and the wards and enchantments protecting the castle and its students were stronger than ever.

The memory of that night however would never leave the hearts and minds of those who were present for it. Harry only had to close his eyes to be right back there to see the fire and blood and death. Sometimes the blood was still there when he opened his eyes again; the walls were awash with it, the ground soaked.

Harry thought that once the three of them started lessons again that life would return to normal and the year would consist of mundane things such as studying and petty house rivalry as it once had before. But he was wrong. For starters there wasn't really that much house rivalry anymore- at least between the seventh years anyway. There was only one Slytherin left, the only one that hadn't graduated or been killed the year before. Draco Malfoy wasn't much of a Slytherin anymore anyway, he kept to himself sitting quietly at the Slytherin table at meal times and sitting in silence by the lake after classes. In class he would mostly sit next to Harry, Ron and Hermione. He would never speak to them, as if he knew they weren't friends and never would be but couldn't bring himself to be their enemy either. It was an odd feeling. They had saved his life and there was nothing any of them could do to bring back the simplicity of hating each other for the hell of it.

They just didn't have it in themselves to fight anymore.

They weren't the only ones.

Harry could feel eyes on him again. He ignored it, content to sit quietly and eat his breakfast while listening to the inane chatter around him. His curiosity got the better of him though and he glanced up and into a pair of dark eyes.

Severus Snape. It was always his eyes that Harry could feel upon him, and he always felt compelled to look back into them. It was as if Snape's last command to him in the shrieking shack still had power over him, demanding that he look at him over and over again. It was surprising, but Harry didn't mind one bit.

He had no idea how Snape had survived. When he went back to retrieve his body after the final battle Harry had found nothing except traces of blood and venom. To begin with he was terrified that his body had been taken by the remaining death eaters, but then he had discovered that he was under arrest having turned himself in to Kinsgley. It was not long before he was released. Harry had testified at his trial and presented his memories as evidence, before returning them to him.

They had yet to speak a word to each other.

The problem was that he just didn't know how to act around Snape anymore and it seemed as though Snape felt the same way. All the hate and disgust and loathing he had once felt disappeared as soon as he looked into his eyes that night, when he had thought Snape was dying. When he saw his memories, that hate was replaced with gratitude, and sorrow. What he felt for the man now was nothing less that a kind of hero worship and deep respect that he had only ever felt for Dumbledore himself. But Snape was no Dumbledore, and it made things more than a little awkward.

Snape went back to teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts and being head of Slytherin (or what was left of Slytherin) leaving Professor McGonagall the head mistress position. Unlike the last time he taught Harry he didn't seem to feel the need to critique his every move (probably because there was nothing to critique) instead he just watched him silently and occasionally would give a nod of his head, although this nod was never directed to Harry, it was more like a reflex, or an after thought.

Harry suspected that Snape didn't quite know how to treat him either. It's hard to continue to hate someone you've entrusted your most sacred thoughts and memories to. They would probably just continue like this for the rest of the year, not speaking but not hating anymore, not ignoring, not complaining. Just watching.

Like right now.

Harry held Snape's gaze until the older man turned away to murmur something softly to Professor McGonagall.

Harry turned his head away from the staff table and was just about to join his friends' conversation when he saw it again. That shadow, what was it? It darted up and got lost in the ceiling of the great hall, a cloud filled dark sky this morning threatening to rain down on them all. Whatever the shadow was it frightened him.

Severus was watching Potter again. For some reason he couldn't bring himself to hate the boy with the same fervour he used to. He put it down to the war being over and the boy miraculously managing to come out alive from it all. But that still didn't explain why he felt compelled to look at him constantly. He certainly wasn't much to look at, skinny and scrawny still, messy annoying hair just like his fathers, and deathly pale. That was new, he didn't used to be so pale.

Potter looked back at him, a quizzical look on his face as if he was trying to figure something out. It was strange to see that green gaze without a hint of contempt. It really was like looking into lily's eyes, on James Potters' face. That thought was enough to make Severus tear his eyes away.

'The hero of the wizarding world, is looking unwell Minerva.' He muttered.

'Well he's been through a fair ordeal Severus, as you well know. What did you expect? That he'd just bounce back to normal' Professor McGonagall replied.

'I expected that people would still care for his welfare once he was done saving their hides.' He said mildly.

She narrowed her eyes at him, 'And you? Do you care for him? You've made a point in the past about how little you cared for him. Even your memories showed that. What's changed?'

'Nothing has changed. Do not mention my memories again. They mean nothing now. But you are correct of course, I do not care for him.'

McGonagall raised her eye brows at him but said nothing more.

Severus had already forgotten her and was once again looking at Potter. He was staring at the ceiling, a furtive and twitchy look on his face. Severus had seen that look before on someone else, and while he couldn't put his finger on what it meant, he was certain it was only going to get worse.

It was fair to say that Defence against the Dark Arts was still more than a bit of a joke. Particularly for Harry, Ron and Hermione as they had had more practice in the past year than anyone. Even Neville was finding himself bored more often than not.

Snape however refused to acknowledge his class's boredom, and kept them strictly to the curriculum regardless of the fact that most of them had been competent in most aspects of defence since their fifth year. They were working on duelling, and were allowed to cast verbally or non verbally. Harry still had problems casting non verbal spells, but found that he was much better at it when he wasn't thinking about it, and wasn't forced to. He was partnered with Draco, so they were actually taking the task seriously (unlike Ron and Hermione who spent more time trying to tickle each other).

Draco seemed to be trying to prove something; he was concentrating fiercely and had pulled up his sleeves, his dark mark still visible on his pale skin. So far Harry had been blocking most curses he sent with relative ease, but he knew he was being lazy as far as sending them himself. He just didn't want to fight anymore, whether it was for educational purposes or not. Finally he had had enough.

'Expelliarmus' he cried and caught Draco's wand as it flew from his fingers. He handed it back to him and waited for him to catch his breath.

'Mr Potter' Snape said from behind them. 'You are no longer allowed to use that spell in my classroom.'

Harry shook his head in confusion. 'Why sir?' he asked. 'Why can't I use it when I know it works? It's always worked for me.' He spoke without arrogance, simply curiosity. After all this was the first thing Snape had said directly to him since the end of the war.

'Because you know it works Mr Potter. If you wish to learn something new in this class instead of spending hour after hour on the worst revision of your life, you need to force yourself out of your comfort zone and try something different. There are harmless ways to disarm someone without using that spell. I suggest you look into it.' Snape said quietly.

Harry wasn't sure what to say. 'Thank you sir' was about all he could manage.

Snape nodded at him once then walked away, clapping his hands to get the students attention. 'You are too complacent.' He said. 'Yes you all may be able to cast most defensive spells with ease, you all may find this work tedious and at times a joke' his eyes slid to Ron and Hermione, 'but ask yourselves this- are you using the right curse? The correct and safest hex for the situation? Are you blocking a curse because it's the easy option? Are you disarming an opponent because you know it's effective?' His eyes were on Harry now. 'Are you performing to the best of your ability? Or can you do better?'

The class looked at him in silence.

'From now on I am raising the standard of this class. Due to the war you could all pass your NEWT in this subject if you took the exam tomorrow. I expect you to do better. It may be easy to pass your NEWT exam but it will NOT be easy to pass my class. You are dismissed.' He waved his hand at them and turned away, watching the golden trio out of the corner of his eye. Ron was muttering furiously in Potters' ear (he could easily guess what was being said) but Potter looked thoughtful, as if he was actually seriously considering what Snape had just said.

'That bloody git.' Ron muttered. 'You'd think nearly dying would have sobered him up somewhat but he hasn't changed a bit.'

'I think he has a point actually.' Harry said. 'What's the point of coming to class if we aren't going to learn anything?'

'Well he could at least teach us something new then.' Ron huffed.

'He isn't allowed to Ron.' Hermione said. 'He has to follow the curriculum, he has to teach us what we need to know for our NEWTs'.

'You heard him! He said we'd all pass it if we took it tomorrow!'

Hermione sighed. 'Yes I heard him, but what if one of us hadn't learned something? We learned and perfected what we needed to survive- there is bound to be gaps in our knowledge. He can't just assume we've learned everything, he has to actually teach us.'

'Yeah maybe but he doesn't have to be such a git about it.' Ron grumbled.

'Actually I thought he was remarkably restrained in comparison to what he used to be.' Hermione said. "What do you think Harry? Harry?'

Harry wasn't really listening.

Their conversation had carried them into the hall. His eyes were on his own hand, the one with the blood quill scar. The words were twisting on his hand, his skin curling up and stretching. It didn't say 'I must not tell lies' anymore it now said 'watch out for me'.

'Harry?' Hermione waved her hand in front of his face.

He blinked and looked back at his hand. It was perfectly normal, the skin scared and white and still reading 'I must not tell lies'. He shook his head.

'Sorry Hermione, what did you say?' He looked up at her.

'Never mind, it really wasn't that important.' She said.

Harry stared over her shoulder, not paying attention to a word she said. The shadow was back, it was over Ron's head, darting down and then up again over his face.

'What is that?' he said, pointing at Ron.

'That is a complete idiot Harry, I'm glad you noticed.' Hermione snorted.

It had gone. But the feeling of unease did not leave him. He knew now no one could see it but him.


	2. Back to the start

**So this is my first Harry fic- Please please review it and tell me what you think. I welcome all feedback and if you aren't planning on reading anymore please tell me why. **

**I obviously don't own any of these characters etc etc- definitely wouldn't have killed Snape if they were mine. **

**Here we go with Chapter two. Hope you like it.**

Chapter Two- Back to the Start.

He was back at Kings Cross; somehow he always ended up back here.

He looked down at the small grotesque shape writhing and moaning at his feet. He felt revulsion, and pity for it but no fear, this time there was no fear.

'Do not feel pity for him' Dumbledore appeared at his side 'He does not deserve your pity. This path was his choice and no one else's.'

Harry couldn't help but feel pity; and a kind of longing, he knelt down beside the hideous creature and gathered it into his arms.

'This is your choice too Harry' Dumbledore said. 'Choose wisely'

Harry looked back at the thing in his arms, its features sharpened and suddenly he was looking at himself. The grotesque malformed hideous creature had his face, and he knew why he pitied it.

Harry woke up with a start. It was pitch black and his heart was thumping, but he didn't know why. He didn't remember the dream.

'You ok?' Ron said in a low voice from behind his curtains. Harry checked his watch, it was 4am.

'Yeah, I just… I don't know. I guess I had a dream or something.' Harry said, pulling the curtains back. Ron was perched on the side of his bed. 'What about you? You couldn't sleep?'

'No. I had the dream again. I can never sleep after that.' Ron shuddered.

"The one with Bellatrix?' Harry asked. Ron had been having this nightmare ever since the end of the war.

'Yeah, we were back at Malfoy Manor again, and Hermione was screaming, she's always screaming for me and I never come. I can never come. And she's always screaming. Every time I close my eyes I hear her screaming.' Ron said, his face grey and dark shadows circling under his eyes.

'Ron you have to get some sleep, you can't keep going like this.' Harry said.

'Well it's not like I don't try, but it's not so easy to get back to sleep after that Harry. I notice you don't manage it yourself very often do you?'

'Well that's true but its not every night for me. You should see Madam Pomfrey; get her to give you Dreamless Sleep or something.' Harry said.

'I don't want anyone to know Harry, especially not Madam Pomfrey. The war is over and we all just want to get on with our lives. I don't want anyone fussing over me.' Ron said.

'Maybe you should ask Snape then, if you don't want anyone fussing over you.' Harry said with a smile.

Ron looked at him like he was crazy. 'I may not want anyone to fuss over me, but I don't want anyone to make fun of me either you know.'

'He's not so bad I don't think. At least he understands what we're going through.' Harry said.

'Harry I know you have some sort of hero worship thing going on with Snape right now but seriously he is that bad.' Ron said flatly. 'I mean I agree with you completely about all he has suffered through and everything he did for the war. I agree that he is the bravest person we've ever known, but just because we know that now doesn't mean he's not a git anymore.'

'He never was a git!' Harry exclaimed. 'And I don't have some sort of hero worship thing going on. I respect him is all.'

'Well you can bet he doesn't respect you Harry, and you know he's a git. Do I have to remind you of all the stuff he's done? The way he treated you in your very first potions class for example?' Ron said.

'Ron don't ask me to explain it but I just can't think of him as a git anymore. And if you asked him for dreamless sleep I bet he would help you without making fun of you.' Harry said firmly.

Ron grumbled something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like 'don't bet on it'.

Harry raised his eyebrows but didn't say anything.

'We should go back to sleep I guess.' Ron said.

Harry shook his head 'I don't want to go to sleep.'

'Me neither.' Ron got out of bed. 'Let's wake Hermione'

'Why?' Harry asked.

'Bring your invisibility cloak'. Ron said with a smirk, before fishing a small object out of his trunk.

Harry grinned. 'Ok!' He said and pulled his cloak out from underneath his pillow.

Ron gave him a funny look. 'You keep it under your pillow?'

'It's a Deathly Hallow Ron. You bet your ass I keep it under my pillow.' Harry replied as he followed Ron out of their dormitory and into the common room. 'How exactly are we going to wake Hermione?' he asked.

Ron blushed. 'Well uh we have this thing that like, if one of us wants the other one in the middle of the night we can activate it and it will wake the other person up silently. Like if we have a bad dream or something...' He trailed off.

Harry laughed. 'You mean you activate it if you want to have sex you mean.'

'Well it's not just for sex; we do use it for other things too!'

'Uh huh.' Harry said drily. 'Go on and do it then.'

Ron lifted the small silver ball he had fished from his trunk to his lips and kissed it. It glowed red for a moment. Ron closed his eyes and sighed. 'She's coming.' He said.

I bet she is, Harry thought but refrained from commenting.

When Hermione entered the common room she at first looked slightly disappointed and then suspicious. 'Ron don't tell me this is your idea of a kinky threesome? Because we really don't have to do everything together you know. No offense Harry.'

Harry looked at Ron who had gone bright red again. 'Not just for sex hey?'

'Well just because we haven't used it for something other than sex yet doesn't mean we can't!' He said huffily. 'And of course it's not for a threesome, Hermione. You should know that! Harry and I couldn't sleep is all and we just thought it might be nice to all go for a night time wander and why are you laughing at me?'

Harry and Hermione couldn't help it. Ron's face was a picture of indignation.

'Oh Ron I'm sorry it's just you're too easy to tease!' Hermione said. 'Come here.' She took his face in her hands and kissed him gently. 'Better?'

'Yes.'

'Good.' She said. 'Now I don't want to burst anyone's bubble or anything but it's gone 4am and we have classes tomorrow. Do you really think that we should be wandering around after curfew for no reason? What if we get caught?'

'Like that's never happened before.' Ron said. 'Besides we have a reason. Breakfast. I'm hungry.'

'You're always hungry.' Hermione replied. 'That's not a very good reason.'

'But sex is?' Harry asked slyly

Hermione went red. 'Don't knock it when you don't have it Harry.' She said.

'Touché.'

'Come on Hermione stop being you and come with us. We really can't go back to sleep.' Ron whined.

Hermione sighed. 'I promised myself that I was going to just concentrate on getting through my studies this year without any adventures or anything bad happening. I thought that would be a piece of cake with the war finally over.' She glared at the two of them. 'I guess I was wrong. But if we lose any points from this little outing I'm never doing anything you say again, and you can't copy off my homework anymore.'

'Fine, fine. Whatever. Let's just get going ok?' Ron said pushing her towards the door.

Harry pulled the cloak over the three of them. 'This really doesn't fit all three of us under it anymore.' Harry said.

'Well you're the fools that chose to wake me up.' Hermione grumbled. 'You could have just gone without me.'

'No we couldn't.' Ron said.

'No way.' Harry echoed. They were a three, and after the dream Ron had had and whatever had caused Harry to wake up so suddenly, they needed to be reminded of that.

They saw no one on their way to the kitchens. The castle was still and deserted, asleep.

They were greeted by the usual throng of house elves, lead by Kreacher who kept bringing them more and more food until even Ron said he had enough.

'I really don't think I can eat anymore.' He groaned. 'Guess we can skip breakfast.'

'Now what?' Harry asked. 'I don't want to go back yet.'

'Me either.' said Ron. They sat in silence for a moment.

'I feel empty.' Harry said quietly.

'After all that?' Ron exclaimed.

'That's not what I mean Ron. I just feel like I don't have a purpose anymore.' He said. 'Empty.'

Hermione nodded. 'I know what you mean. Every year of our lives since we started here we've had something happen. Something to work out, something to solve, something to defend or retaliate against. Usually something to do with Voldemort. And now that's all gone it's like school isn't the same anymore, it's not enough.'

'You'd think that would be a pleasant relief hey?' Ron asked. 'So why isn't it?'

'I don't know.' Harry said, 'But you're right Hermione. I think that's a big part of it.'

'I guess we'll just have to accept it.' Hermione said. 'There is nothing to fight against anymore. Move on, get over it and be normal for once like everyone else.'

Harry lifted his head off the table. 'I have an idea. Let's go to the third floor corridor.'

'Why?' Ron asked confused.

'Because that's where it all started, back in first year. That's where we first faced Voldemort and realised what we were up against. Maybe if we go back to the start we can let go of it all.'

Hermione looked at him thoughtfully. 'That's not a terrible idea Harry. Trauma victims are actually encouraged to revisit the sites of their trauma to help manage the stress of an attack and to minimise panic attacks.'

'Except we aren't trauma victims Hermione.' Ron said.

'Then what are we?' Harry asked softly.

Ron shook his head. 'We aren't. It's not the same.' He said shakily.

Hermione reached over the table and took Ron's hand. 'That's exactly what we are. Us and everyone else too, but it's ok. We'll be ok.'

Ron took a deep breath. 'Let's go back to the start then.'

'Harry?' Hermione said 'What are you looking at?'

Harry was looking at the huge dark shadow creeping across the table towards Ron and Hermione's entwined hands. It moved like a slow creeping fog, and Harry felt an unbelievable urge to knock their hands out of the way. He shook his head. It was gone.

'Nothing. It's nothing. Never mind.' He said quickly. 'Let's go.'

**Please review and tell me how often to update, and I'll try my best! **


	3. The face

**Sorry for the long time between updates, i'll try to not let it happen again! Please please review! **

Chapter 3- The Face

'Do we have to stay under here? We really don't fit anymore' Ron grumbled after the fourth time Harry stepped on his foot.

'No we don't have to but I have no desire to get caught and I left the marauders map in my trunk.' Harry said. 'Feel free to step out if you don't care though.'

'Everyone can see our feet anyway.' Ron said, but he didn't step out.

'If you both don't shut up right now someone will hear us and then it won't matter if we're stepping on each others toes OR if our feet are showing!' Hermione hissed.

They continued in silence until they reached the door to the third floor corridor.

Hermione pushed open the door. 'I thought it would be locked.' She said uncertainly.

Harry pulled the cloak off them. 'Well why would it be?' He said. 'There's no reason for it to be locked now.'

'I suppose.' Hermione said. 'It still seems a bit funny though.'

'Let's get on with it.' Ron said.

They opened the trapdoor and jumped down the hole.

Harry almost expected to fall into Devil's Snare just like last time; instead they landed on hard ground in an empty room.

'Bloody hell that was rough' Ron said rubbing his arse.

'It beats landing in Devil's snare' muttered Harry, rubbing his elbow.

'Now what?' Hermione asked, looking around the empty room. There was a door on the other side.

'Through the door I guess' Harry said.

On the other side of the door was simply another room, with an abandoned broom stick in one corner.

Ron sighed, 'I'm starting to wonder why we bothered coming, there's nothing here anymore.'

'It was eight years ago' Hermione pointed out. 'Clearly nothing has been stored here since then so what was the point of keeping the protection up?'

'What was in this room anyway?' Harry asked. 'I don't remember.'

'All the keys.' Hermione said. 'We had to catch the right one on a broomstick'.

'Oh that's right.' He murmured.

'Lets get to the next room.' Ron said, with a note of excitement in his voice.

He wasn't disappointed.

Professor McGonagall's life-sized chess set was still there, reset and ready to play. Ron's eyes gleamed in excitement and anticipation.

'No fucking way Ron.' Hermione said flatly. 'We're not playing again.'

'Why not?' Ron whined. 'It'll be fun!'

'Harry was last time fun?'

'Definitely not.' Harry said firmly.

'Hmph.' Ron grumbled and went to sit in the centre of the chess board. 'I don't know what you're both complaining about; it was me who got knocked out.'

'Yes Ron and how do you think that made us feel? How do you think it made Harry feel, knowing that he had to go on and leave you behind?' Hermione said as she sat down next to him.

'I've never thought of it that way before.' Ron said quietly.

Harry looked sharply at Hermione, he really wished she hadn't said that. 'Hermione it was years ago, let it go. Ron did what he had to, we wouldn't have got past it without him and it's completely ridiculous for you to make him feel bad about it now.'

'I know that. And I was and still am grateful for that; I just wanted him to understand why it wasn't exactly fun for us, and why we don't have such positive memories of it.' Hermione said. 'And he's not the only one who got us through this.'

Ron grinned. 'Don't worry Hermione we would have been killed by the Devil's Snare if you hadn't got us out of that one'

'Too true' Hermione smiled, taking Ron's hand in hers and running a finger softly down his cheek.

Harry looked away. He loved that his friends were together and so in love but they had an intimacy now that he didn't share, and sometimes he felt like an intruder. Like right now. 'I'm going on ahead.' He said, moving towards the door at the other end of the room. He half expected the chessmen to stop him but they remained dormant, and let him pass.

Harry opened the door and passed through the next room with very little thought. This had been the room that held the troll. The first time it had smelled terrible and they had been very glad it was already knocked out. He hurried through without much thought.

In the next room he paused. It was so completely different that he blinked. There were no fires, and no potion bottles. Not a hint of Snape at all. He entered the room through a normal door and could see another normal door on the other side. He felt a disappointment that he couldn't really explain wash over him. He wasn't sure why he expected some remnant of Snape's enchantment to still be here but he really had imagined it would be exactly the same. It was like he didn't appreciate Snape's enchantment the first time around and he wanted to this time.

'Its hard to believe now that we thought it was him.' Hermione said softly from behind him. She had caught up to him, but Ron was nowhere in sight. 'He stayed in the chess room.' She said as if hearing his thoughts.

'I can't believe the way we treated him.' Harry said sadly. 'All he did for seven years was try to protect me and the people I care about and we treated him like the enemy. Even once we knew he wasn't.'

'Harry, Ron's right, you really do have a hero worship thing going on here. It's true, he did so much for us, and I have so much respect for him now, but you can't completely ignore all the horrible things he said to you. The way he treated you? The way he treated me?' Hermione said.

'It just doesn't seem to matter now.' Harry said thoughtfully. His eyes strayed to the door at the end of the room.

'I don't think it will be there Harry.' Hermione said flatly, once again as if she knew what he was thinking. 'And I think its best if we go back now, it's near dawn; people will be getting up soon.'

'Hmmm' He moved towards the door.

'Dumbledore said not to go looking for it again.'

'Dumbledore's dead.' Harry opened the door.

'Let's go back to Ron.' Hermione said urgently, but Harry wasn't listening.

Hermione was wrong it was still there, in exactly the same place. He supposed this was as good a place as any to keep it.

'Harry don't do it.' Hermione whispered. 'It's not worth it. Your parents are dead, they aren't coming back.'

'You're afraid of it aren't you?' Harry asked. 'Why? It's just a mirror.'

'A dangerous mirror. I'm not afraid. I just, just that, I don't want to know what my deepest desires are Harry.' Hermione pulled on his sleeve. 'You've already seen them, don't look again, you already know what you'll see.'

But after everything that had happened Harry wasn't so sure that his deepest desires were the same. After all he was only eleven years old when he last looked in the mirror, and he now felt so much more connected to his parents than he had then. He felt like he had a family now, he didn't feel abandoned, he didn't feel like an orphan. Besides who has the same desires for their whole life anyway?

'I'm looking in Hermione.'

Harry went to stand before the mirror of Erised and took a deep breath.

What he saw took that breath away.

The Harry that was standing in the mirror looking at him was older by a few years, healthier, and by far happier. The reason for that happiness was standing next to him holding his hand, and looking at him the same way that Ron and Hermione looked at each other.

It was Professor Snape.

Harry was completely transfixed. His eyes wandered over the image of the two of them, how close they were standing as if they had to be touching as much as possible, and the way Snape's thumb rubbed over his own. More than anything he couldn't stop looking at Snape's face, the way his eyes looked, they were alive with hope and love, and looking at him as if he were the most precious thing in the world. Looking at that face now, it was amazing what a change such an expression could make. Harry had never found Snape physically attractive before but looking at him now he couldn't find anything unattractive at all. The man was beautiful.

He never wanted to stop looking in that mirror. It was almost cruel, that what he desired most in the world would never desire him back. Hell forget desire, Snape would never even like Harry, let alone desire him.

Ron and Hermione were wrong- what he felt for Snape wasn't hero worship at all. It was clearly something far stronger. And far more dangerous.

He had no intention of leaving. He didn't want to go back to the real world, the one where Snape looked at him with loathing. He wanted to stay here forever. He wanted to pretend.

Harry was now so close to the mirror that his nose was almost touching it. Just as he was about to slide down to sit on the floor, he saw something that made his blood run cold.

The shadow was back. It was looming in the top left corner of the mirror, just behind Snape's shoulder.

Harry stared at it and then started to back away as he realised it was taking on a shape. Two red eyes glowed out of the shadow, as it morphed into a face.

A face with glowing red eyes, a flat nose and two slits for nostrils.

He knew that face.

Harry backed away from the mirror and turned to run. He could feel that face and those eyes on him as he ran, he could sense the shadow on the walls as he ran through the Potion room, and he could see the glowing red eyes coming closer.

He burst through the door to the Chess room and slammed straight into Ron, who was obviously coming to look for him. 'RUN' he screamed in Ron's face and grabbed hold of his arm and Hermione's and pulled them towards the door at the other side.

The three of them tore through the remaining rooms to the trapdoor where Hermione levitated them through it in an instant. It was only once they were back outside the third floor corridor that they paused.

'What the hell Harry?' Ron said breathlessly. 'What happened?'

Harry looked behind him fearfully. There was no sign of the shadow, or the face. He refused to think about it, to acknowledge or name it. It couldn't be real; it must be just in his head. Only he was certain it wasn't. 'Nothing I guess, I just freaked out, I thought I saw something and I freaked out.' He paused. 'I'm sorry'

'It's ok Harry.' Hermione said. 'Was it in the mirror?'

Harry shook his head. 'No, I mean yes it was but it wasn't part of the image, if you know what I mean?' He shuddered at the thought of that face intruding on the image in the mirror the way that it had.

'Are you going to tell us what you saw?' Ron asked. 'Was it the same?'

'It was the same, my family, it hadn't changed.' He felt a little guilty for lying but he really couldn't face the idea of telling them what he'd seen, he could barely wrap his own mind around it.

'Uh huh' Hermione said drily. She didn't believe him for one second.

'We really should get back' Ron said 'It's practically dawn.'

'You two go on ahead, I just need a moment. Here take the cloak.' He said, pulling it out from his robes. 'I'll be fine without it, besides we really don't fit under it anymore.'

'No shit.' Ron muttered.

'I don't know Harry, are you sure you're ok?' Hermione said looking closely at him.

'I'll be fine, besides there's no one out to get me anymore right? What possible harm can come to me?' Considering what he had just seen Harry was lying through his teeth.

'Ok fine, but we'll wait for you in the common room. Not much point going to bed now anyway.' She said, before her and Ron disappeared under the cloak.

Harry let out a breath he hadn't even known he was holding and sank slowly to the floor. What the hell was that? Voldemort was dead. DEAD. Why did he see his face? Was it possible that he hadn't died after all? Or was he just going crazy?

The only thing he knew for sure was that no one else was seeing it, and that was enough to scare the shit out of him.

He slowly got to his feet and took a deep breath; he really should get back to the common room, if he could just get there and get to bed for a few hours then maybe this would disappear. Maybe it was just tiredness, hallucinations caused by lack of sleep. Yes that was probably all it was.

He moved hurriedly from the third floor corridor, his mind fixed on getting back to the common room as quickly as possible, and his eyes down at his feet in the hope that he wouldn't see the shadow or the face again.

This was probably not the wisest thing to do as he rounded a corner and smacked straight into someone.

'My my my what have we here?' A smooth voice asked.

Harry looked up and into the eyes of Professor Snape.


	4. Attitude Adjustment

**Thanks so much to everyone for those kind reviews! I'm glad you like how this is going, it's like nothing I've ever written before and I'm just letting it take me where it wants. Please keep reviewing- good or bad! Feedback keeps me motivated.**

**Chapter 4- Attitude Adjustment**

'Fuck.' Harry swore without thinking.

'Excuse me Mr Potter?' was Snape's ice cold reply.

Why did he have to smack into Snape of all people? Right now? Seriously? He couldn't face him right now, what was he supposed to say?

'Uh, um, I, sir I just, um.' Was the most he could get out, and he kept his eyes on the floor at Snape's feet.

'Follow me.' Snape said crisply and led the all too familiar path to his office. 'Inside.'

Harry stepped inside the door still with his eyes down and tried in vain to focus on the fact that Snape had once thrown a jar of cockroaches at his head. It didn't have much effect, all he could think of was the image of the two of them in the mirror.

'Sit.' Snape gestured to the chair in front of his desk. 'Explain yourself.' He waited in silence.

Harry took a deep breath. Snape deserved his respect, he could at least have to guts to meet his eyes and treat him as the superior he was, instead of acting like a love struck teenager. Besides he was very much caught doing the wrong thing here and unlike previous occasions didn't even have a good excuse for it. The war was over.

He raised his eyes, and looked straight in Snape's. 'I'm very sorry sir for swearing just now, it wasn't at you, just at the situation, but it was very disrespectful of me and I'm sorry.'

Snape's eyes narrowed. 'You've had quite the attitude adjustment haven't you Potter?'

'Yes sir.'

'Why?' Snape's tone had lost its venom, and he now sounded puzzled.

'It was the war sir.' Harry paused; he really had no wish to explain further. Luckily for him Snape seemed to accept that. He sat down behind his desk and leaned back in his chair.

'Why were you roaming around the castle Mr. Potter?'

'I couldn't sleep sir.'

'And so you decided to break a school rule? Many students can't sleep from time to time and they do not choose to wander the castle all night. You seem to have a habit of it, or are you just trying to bring back happy memories of the glory years when you and your friends could wander freely about the castle and never get into any trouble? You're not the golden boy anymore Potter.' The venom in his tone had returned.

Harry felt a surge of familiar anger at these words. It felt like Snape was deliberately trying to goad him into acting out, into behaving the way he used to, and he didn't exactly want to yell at the man he had feelings for. He took a deep breath and tried to ignore the anger, he realised that basically Snape was right- in a way they had been trying to bring back the 'glory years' as he had called them. They were trying to feel normal again, but instead all he felt was confused and scared.

'I'm very sorry sir, I won't do it again.' He didn't know what else to say.

'Unless you deal with the underlying problem Potter I feel absolutely certain that you will do it again. You can't help yourself.'

'I'll try sir.' He whispered.

'Why can't you sleep?'

'I have nightmares sir.'

'You don't have to call me sir every time you speak Potter, its irritating.' Snape snapped. 'Haven't you always had nightmares?'

'Yes.'

'Then what's changed?' Snape asked calmly.

'I have them every night sir. All night.' Harry kept eye contact with Snape, daring him to make fun of him, but instead of sneering at him Snape simply looked thoughtful. It was a strange expression on his face.

'Have you been to see Madam Pomfrey Potter? She could give you dreamless sleep to assist with the nightmares.' He asked almost kindly.

'No sir, I didn't want a fuss made over me anymore. She always makes such a fuss. Besides aren't we supposed to face our fears? Isn't that the only way to overcome them?' Harry asked.

'Is that what you were doing in the third floor corridor Potter? Facing your fears?' Snape looked closely at Harry.

'I thought if I went back to where it started, back to where I first had to face him, maybe it would help.' He could hardly believe this was happening; he had never spoken with Snape this way before. It was almost as if the man didn't loath him.

'And did it?'

'Yes, and no. I'm not sure yet.' Harry thought that perhaps if he hadn't seen what he had in the mirror, and if he hadn't then seen the face (he refused to think about whose face he'd seen), he might have actually been able to go back to his dormitory and sleep for a few hours. So it had helped, sort of.

'My experience has been that we all have different ways to cope with trauma, some things work for some people and not for others. If this works for you then you are lucky. It certainly never did for me.' Snape paused, 'However in the future you must not go wandering about the castle at night. If I catch you again there will be a severe punishment Potter. You must break this habit, and realise that while the war was obviously the hardest on you, it doesn't give you the right to special treatment. In fact if anything it is more important for you to be treated the same as anyone else. You need some normalcy Potter.' Snape said.

Harry had lowered his eyes during this speech, he was unable to look at Snape any longer, especially since Snape was being what appeared to be understanding and caring. He knew at any minute it could (and probably would) disappear.

'Yes sir.' He whispered. 'But if I may say one thing?'

'Speak' Snape said.

Harry raised his eyes again to Snape's face. 'I have never, not even for a moment thought that the war was hardest on me, and I never will.'

Snape's face hardened. 'Do not pity me Potter. Don't presume that you know me, or what my life has been like because you saw some memories of mine.'

'No sir, I don't presume that. I respect you, but I don't presume to know you.' Harry said.

'Make sure it stays that way Potter.' Snape said tightly.

Harry nodded.

Snape opened his desk drawer and pulled out a small vial. 'I can understand why you do not wish to see Madam Pomfrey.' He handed the vial to Harry. 'Dreamless Sleep. If you require more, come and see me, but do not under any circumstances break curfew again.'

'Thank you. I won't.' And for the first time in his life Harry actually meant that. Snape was right, the war was over and it was time for him to grow up and live a normal life.

'You realise I have to take points for this behaviour don't you?' Snape said after a moment.

'Yes sir.' In truth he was stunned that his punishment wasn't more like execution or disembowelment at least.

'Ten points from Gryffindor.' Snape stated flatly. 'Each.'

'Each?' Harry asked.

Snape smirked. 'I am not a fool Potter. When you wander about at night more often than not Mr Weasley and Ms Granger follow.'

Harry reddened.

'I see I was correct in that assessment.' Snape said drily.

Harry nodded. 'We won't do it again professor.'

'See that you don't.' Snape paused. 'You may go.'

Harry got up to leave and went to the door.

'Harry?'

'Yes Professor Snape?' Harry said turning back to face him.

'Is there anything else you'd like to tell me about? Anything at all?' Snape studied Harry's face. 'I realise I'm not ideally suited to the role of confidant but if you wish to speak to me about anything you might be experiencing I am willing to listen without judgment'

For a few seconds Harry seriously considered telling Snape about the shadow, if it was Voldemort then Snape would want to know surely, but then he thought about what the man had been through already and he changed his mind, he didn't need to deal with anything else. He had given enough of his life already. 'No sir there's nothing else. Thank you for the offer though, and thank you for the Dreamless Sleep.'

'You're welcome. Now go, it's nearly time for breakfast.' Snape nodded to the door. As Harry opened it he added 'It appears you aren't the only one who's had an attitude adjustment.'

Harry's eyes widened and he turned to look back at Snape but the man had his head down and appeared to be grading papers. 'Thank you.' He murmured and left the office.

Severus's eyes bored into Harry's back as he fled the room. There was definitely something more than just nightmares bothering him, Potter was skilled at sneaking around the castle and he wasn't paying any attention when he ran into him. He didn't even have that blasted invisibility cloak on. It was almost as if he was running from something.

Snape vowed to find out what it was. As for Harry himself, well the brat seemed to have finally gained some respect. Perhaps Snape could gain some in return. The corner of his mouth turned up in a tiny smile as he recalled the way Harry's eyes had blazed bright when he looked at him, without a hint of arrogance or scorn. Oh yes he respected the boy- the man, he corrected himself, for Harry was now a man, there was no doubt about that. And there was no more loathing between them. Snape found himself thinking that he could even like this Harry.

He paused mid thought and wondered when exactly he had stopped being Potter and started being Harry.

Harry could only think of one thing as he hurried back to the common room, Snape had called him Harry. Just once and he was almost sure that it was a slip of the tongue and one that he probably regretted but still, he had called him Harry!

He really liked the way his name had sounded coming from Snape's lips.

Ron and Hermione practically pounced on him when he climbed through the portrait hole.

'Where the hell have you been?' Hermione asked shrilly.

'Would you calm down? You'll wake everyone up.' Harry hissed.

'People are waking up anyway since its morning now, and seriously we were worried mate, where were you?' Ron said.

Harry gave them a dark look. 'I got caught.'

'Oh you didn't' Hermione moaned. 'What did I tell you, I knew something would happen did you lose us any points?'

'Hermione we've successfully snuck out several times without getting caught. It was just bad luck.' Ron said. 'Who caught you?'

'Who do you think caught me?' Harry said 'Snape. It's bloody always Snape.'

Ron winced.

'So you have detention then?' Hermione asked.

'No detention. He did take points though.' Harry paused. 'From all of us.'

'No detention?' Ron said flabbergasted. 'Wait what do you mean from all of us?'

'He said he knew that if I was out after curfew then you would be too. He took ten points from each of us.'

'That's it?' Ron asked.

'And no detention? Did he threaten expulsion? Is he going to speak to Professor McGonagall?' Hermione asked.

Harry shook his head. 'No none of that, I mean he gave me a bit of a lecture and he did say that there would be severe consequences if I was caught again but that was it. He was pretty nice about it actually. He asked what we were doing so I told him and he said if it works that's great but to do it in the daytime so we aren't breaking rules.'

'You've got to be kidding me.' Ron said.

Hermione smiled. 'Did he say anything else Harry?'

'Oh yeah, as I was leaving he called me Harry' he said casually.

The look on Ron's face was priceless.


	5. Losing Control

**A/N- So this chapter took me a little longer than I originally intended sorry! Please please review. I'm not sure about the pace of this story- I really don't want to rush it. But I don't want to bore you all to death either! **

Chapter 5- Losing Control

Harry kicked off hard from the ground, his cloak streaming out behind him as he soared high into the air. He had missed this feeling more than anything in the world and he was amazed by how calm he felt up here, how relaxed, as if nothing could touch him.

He started making circles around the pitch, swerving in and out of the goal posts just enjoying the freedom that flying gave him. It had been a week since his conversation with Snape, and the two hadn't spoken since. Harry was seriously considering sneaking back to the third floor corridor to look at the Mirror of Erised again, but the thought of being caught again (by anyone not just Snape) was enough to deter him. He settled instead for thinking about it in every free moment.

For the first time in his life he looked forward to his classes with Snape, even though the man barely looked at him, let alone spoke to him. The most contact they had recently was two days ago when Snape passed Harry in the corridor and nodded slightly in his direction. Harry had nodded back before his cheeks reddened, he was behaving like an idiot he knew, and Hermione had chuckled at him. Thank god Ron hadn't been witness to that.

Harry pulled his thoughts together as he went into a dive towards the ground. He couldn't let himself dwell on this ridiculous crush. It would never happen and would never go anywhere he told himself sternly. Snape may not loath him anymore (well he didn't think he loathed him but he wasn't entirely sure) but he certainly didn't like him. Mutual respect, that's what they had for each other, and Snape had certainly seemed to want it to stay that way. Harry pulled out of his dive inches from the ground and congratulated himself on a good pep talk. Then his stomach clenched in familiar dread as he spotted the dark shape blazing towards him.

The shadow followed him everywhere now, he had seen it every day for the past week. Harry remained convinced that no one else could see it but him, and discovered that if he closed his eyes and breathed deeply it would go away. It mostly appeared during his defence lessons oddly enough and was completely screwing his concentration. Not to mention his sanity.

He streaked along the pitch in the opposite direction keeping low to the ground, he just wanted it to disappear- to stop haunting him. It was more than a shadow now, it appeared again in front of him dark and menacing and with glowing red eyes and it was rushing straight towards him.

Its not real, its not real, Harry thought, and in a moment of desperation he closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands 'YOU'RE NOT REAL' he screamed and losing control he fell from his broom to the ground. Thankfully the ground was not far away.

There was definitely something wrong with Potter. Severus had been closely observing him all week and he had never seen such startling behaviour. What's worse, no one seemed to notice except him. He frequently lost concentration during class, was constantly distracted and sometimes even looked frightened. There was something eating away at him and by the looks of it, it was serious. Severus had even spoken to Professor McGonagall about him but she had blown him off, simply stating in a snooty voice that Harry was understandably having trouble to adjusting to life after the war, and that he shouldn't be put under too much pressure but still needed to be treated as normal.

Severus took that to mean that they should just ignore the problem and it would go away.

However he had no intention of ignoring Harry (Potter he internally corrected himself, he must be referred to as Potter). Just because the dark lord was dead didn't mean that his promise to Lily was any less valid. He would continue to look out for Potter as long as he was alive. Only this time he might not hate him quite as much as previously. Which was a pity, Severus thought. It was easier to look out for his welfare when all that mattered was keeping him alive; it was a whole lot harder to keep him healthy and happy. If he still loathed him then he wouldn't care about his happiness. Severus shook his head in exasperation with himself. He was going soft. Well at least he still refused to talk to him; if he didn't have a conversation then he couldn't go that soft could he?

The exasperation Severus felt didn't prevent him from following Harry after lunch. He spotted him with his Firebolt in hand and crossing the school grounds to the quidditch pitch. Too many near disasters had happened to Harry on that pitch and so Severus followed him- discreetly of course, although he soon realised that it didn't make much difference as Harry was barely paying attention to where he was much less what anyone else was doing. That was odd enough behaviour as Potter had always been overly attentive to everything, always in the middle of everything sticking his nose right where it didn't belong. And now he wasn't even noticing when he was being followed.

Severus stopped being subtle and discreet, and simply followed Harry to the pitch and went to sit in the stands so he could have a clear view of him.

Severus refused to marvel at how free and relaxed Potter looked whilst seated on a broomstick- it made him think of James, and it became increasingly difficult to remember his supposed new attitude towards Harry while thinking how much he looked like James. He looked down at the ground instead but kept Harry in the corner of his eye.

It was just as well he did because Harry was starting to look less free and relaxed and more panicked by the minute. He had pulled out of a low dive with exhilaration written all over his face, before abruptly stopping staring in horror at the other side of the pitch, and taking off at high speed in the opposite direction.

Snape stood up in alarm, it was as if Harry was being chased by something, but there was nothing there. What on earth was he doing?

Harry stopped suddenly and covered his face with his hands and screamed before toppling off his broom and falling to the ground.

Severus was now speeding down the stands towards Harry when he realised that Harry was fine- he had sat up and rubbing his face. He hadn't fallen that great a distance.

He let himself slow to a walk as his heart rate returned to normal. Then seeing Harry stand and bend to pick up his broomstick he relaxed altogether and dropped into a seat. He thought with the demise of Voldermort that he might actually be able relax a little bit, but clearly that wasn't possible. He had no idea what had spooked Harry like that, but he was determined to find out. He might just need to push him a little bit, and force the truth out of him.

Potter had picked himself up completely now and left the pitch. He hadn't noticed Snape at all.

Two weeks after the flying incident, Harry tried to ignore how drained he felt. He was taking dreamless sleep every night and had almost exhausted what Snape had given him. At least he wasn't having nightmares anymore but for some reason he still couldn't sleep through the night. He would find himself waking up for no reason at all, and would be forced to lie there for hours on end willing himself back to sleep. The shadow still followed him everywhere, right now it was lurking in a corner of the classroom, just watching him.

His concentration was non existent, and it was showing.

'Ten points from Gryffindor Mr. Potter.' Snape drawled.

Harry shook his head and tried to clear his mind. They were duelling in defence again and once again Harry had used Expeliarmis to disarm his opponent.

It was the fourth time this week that this had occurred. Harry was starting to feel as though Snape was back to his old ways and very much making up for time missed. At the risk of sounding whiny, he couldn't help feel that Snape was picking on him. Part of him wished the Snape would go back to ignoring him. While he should be used to this by now he felt much more hurt by it than he ever had been in the past, and unlike the past he found himself trying so hard to do better, to please him. To show him that he could do better.

Ron looked at Harry exasperated. He was tempted to just throw his wand in Harry's direction if it meant he didn't lose anymore house points.

'I'm sorry Ron, I'm trying.' Harry murmured.

'Mate I'm having a hard time believing that. You defeated bloody Voldemort last year for crying out loud! What the hell is the matter with you that you can't even remember to not use a simple spell?'

'I don't know I just can't concentrate. My mind goes all fuzzy and I forget what I'm saying and doing.' Harry said wearily. 'I wish he would just leave me alone.'

'He's never left you alone Harry, I don't think he's going to start now.' Ron said flatly.

'I just don't want to disappoint him anymore.'

'You're mental Harry.' Ron said. 'I think you're cracking up. Who cares about disappointing him? He's being a git! I mean really who cares if you use expeliarmis?'

Harry thought Ron was probably right about him cracking up, but he didn't say so. He also didn't bother to explain why Snape's opinion of him was suddenly so important. That wasn't a conversation he wished to have right now, especially with the man in question standing only a few feet away.

Snape had moved onto torturing Neville and Hermione who were fiercely (and noisily) duelling next to them and so didn't hear this exchange, he was however watching the two of them out of the corner of his eye and he noticed how Potters' shoulders were slumped and how huge the circles under his eyes were. He looked almost emaciated. He was going to break, and it was going to be soon. He only hoped he would be there when it happened.

He clapped his hands together to get the attention of the class. 'While most of you have improved in your duelling' Snape said smoothly. 'Some of you have not made any progress at all.' His eyes lingered over Harry. 'I suggest those individuals continue to practice outside of class. Next lesson we will begin Occlumency. Practice clearing your minds of all thoughts before you go to sleep in preparation for this, believe me it is not an easy discipline to learn and one that many of you will struggle with. In fact I feel sure that some will not manage to learn it at all.' Once again his eyes were on Harry. 'Class dismissed' He said crisply and swept out of the room.

'Fucking great.' Harry swore. 'This is ridiculous; it's like bloody 5th year all over again!'

'It'll be ok Harry, maybe you'll manage to learn it this time, since you don't have anything else on your mind that is.' Hermione tried to consol him. 'And there's no Umbridge to distract you or make you angry.'

Harry privately doubted that he would be any better this time around, in fact he felt certain he would be worse, if that were possible. And this time there were a whole new host of things that he really didn't want Snape to know about, most of all his memories of what he had seen in the Mirror of Erised. And the shadow, which had moved from the corner and was now hovering above Ron's head. He closed his eyes. A huge pit of dread had settled in his stomach at the thought of what Snape would say if he discovered that. He opened his eyes. Once again it had disappeared.

'Besides I'm sure that heaps of people will be rubbish at it as well.'

'Yeah like me.' Ron interrupted.

'So there will be loads of people to pick on.' Hermione continued, ignoring Ron. 'Besides he already knows all your worst memories and you know his. It can't possibly be as bad as last time.'

Except that Harry knew that it could be. And he couldn't help remembering how his last Occlumency lesson had ended- with a jar of cockroaches hurled at his head. 'Lets go back to the common room and study.' He muttered. 'I just want to get out of here' Oddly enough he suddenly wasn't looking forward to his defence classes anymore.

Hermione paused at the door as they were leaving. 'You two go on ahead, I just have to take care of something first. I'll join you in a bit ok?'

'You ok Hermione?' Ron asked.

'Yes I'm fine I just need to go to the library quickly.'

'Ok we'll see you back at the common room then' Ron said before following Harry out of the classroom.

Hermione looked after them for a moment before turning and heading towards the dungeon.


	6. Over The Edge

**A/N- I think this is probably my fastest update ever but this chapter just had to be written. I hope you like it! As usual please please review! **

Chapter Six- Over The Edge

He really didn't feel like studying. He didn't have the energy to do anything anymore, especially study.

It was as if the war drained him of everything and now he just didn't have anything left. He knew that was a pathetic attitude to have but he didn't care.

Harry and Ron sat in front of the fire in the Gryffindor common room in silence; they were waiting for Hermione to return from the library. Their books were open on the table in front of them, but they now lay forgotten. The common room was fairly full for just after dinner. There was still an hour till curfew, but most people seemed to have settled in for the night, it was noisy and cheerful, but none of that cheer seemed to reach Ron and Harry.

'Ron do you feel as if this is pointless now?' Harry asked after a moment.

'Pointless how?'

'Like being here, being at school. It just seems like there must be more for us than this.' Harry said tiredly. 'I'm sitting here all worried about having to try and learn Occlumency again, when I've already defeated Voldemort. What more is there?'

'Well for one thing, defeating Voldemort did nothing to help us in the real world Harry.' Ron said softly. 'We may have spent last year traipsing about all over the place, doing complicated magic but it doesn't count for anything. We still need to finish school. And there are some serious gaps in our knowledge.'

'Yeah I know, I guess it just feels like my life here has ended or something.' Harry said. 'The prophecy said neither can live while the other survives, but I feel less alive now than when he was still here.'

'You've been fighting him for so long that now it's over you don't know what to do with yourself. You really didn't think you'd survive the war did you?' Ron asked.

'I don't think I did. I really didn't think about it at the time because it felt like if I had thought about it, it would have felt like I was giving up you know?' Harry paused. 'I really didn't think much further ahead than each day.'

'Yeah I know. I don't think I did either.'

They were silent for a moment. Harry's eyes were starting to close. He was so tired.

'Harry? Why do you like Snape so much now?' Ron was looking at him closely.

'It's not so much that I like him, it's more that I respect him. He survived Ron. He survived the first war, the second war, he survived being a Death Eater, he survived losing his true love to his worst enemy, and he even survived betraying her and causing her death! He survived everything. He has earned my respect ten million times over. I just don't have it in me to loath him anymore no matter what he once did or will do to me, forget loath, I don't have it in me to even dislike him. Not one little bit.' Harry said vehemently.

'So if you don't loath him anymore and if you have all this respect for him, which I totally get by the way, when you put it like that its hard not to agree with you, but if that's how you feel then why are you so worried about us studying Occumency?' Ron said. 'Things are obviously different between you now. He doesn't treat you badly, except of course this week's ridiculous obsession he has with you not casting Expeliarmis. But despite that he obviously cares about you.'

'Ron he doesn't care about me, he cared about my mother. All he has done for me was because of her. He saved me and helped me all these years for her, not for me.' Harry couldn't help but sound a little bitter. 'His memories were pretty damn clear on that. He doesn't like me, and he never will.'

'But why does that bother you?' Ron asked. 'Do you want him to like you?'

Harry really didn't want to tell Ron that yes he very much did want Snape to like him. He settled instead for telling half a truth. 'It makes me feel like I'm worth nothing.' He said. 'That he doesn't even like me and hasn't looked out for me for my sake, only for my mothers, makes me feel as though I am worth nothing.'

Ron didn't say anything for some time. He simply looked at Harry.

'You don't have to say anything Ron.' Harry said wearily. 'I don't really expect you to understand.'

'I understand Harry.' Ron said. 'But it's important for you to realise that there are many people who would have had little part in the war at all if they hadn't cared about you and you only. And that makes you worth everything to them.'

'Ron I wouldn't trade my friendship with you and Hermione for anything in the world.' Harry said softly. 'You're my family. I know what I'm worth to you. I know that if we weren't friends you wouldn't have suffered like you did.'

'I know you do, just when you get down in the dumps like this it's a good idea to remember that.' Ron said finally. 'Now enough of this sap or we're going to have to have a manly hug and you know how much I hate those!'

Harry laughed. 'Yeah yeah I know. Ok I'll try not to let his hatred of me bother me so much.'

Ron smirked. 'Or you know you could do the mature thing and go and talk to him about it.'

Harry thought about that for a moment. 'Well yes I could do that.'

'I was only joking mate, can you imagine how that would go? I can't see it ending well personally.'

'Well the last time we had a chat it didn't go too badly, he even ended up calling me Harry.' He said thoughtfully.

Ron shrugged. 'Go ahead then, I won't stop you. It's your funeral!'

Harry stood up. 'Yeah I think I'm going to go to his office and see if he's there.'

'What exactly are you going to say?' Ron asked.

Harry grinned. 'I think I might start by asking him if he has any more tips for practicing Occlumency!'

Ron shook his head. 'Like I said mate, it's your funeral.'

Harry turned and left the common room, as he climbed out of the portrait hole he noticed that the shadow was following him. He took a deep breath and ignored it.

He then almost smacked into Hermione in the corridor.

'Harry? Where are you going? It's almost curfew!'

'I won't be long Hermione I promise ok? Ron's sitting by the fire. We'll study as soon as I get back.' He called over his shoulder as he turned the corner. If she replied he didn't hear her.

Harry thought about what Ron had said as he made his way to Snape's office. He assumed that Ron wouldn't understand his feelings for Snape at all, and that he was just holding onto an old grudge but that obviously wasn't really true. He supposed that it was different for himself, having seen Snape's memories. He just couldn't dislike him anymore. But Ron obviously still could, and Harry realised that while Snape had definitely treated him the worst during their previous school years he had treated Ron pretty badly too. Maybe forgiveness wasn't possible for everyone.

Harry hoped that would change.

He shortly found himself standing in front of Snape's office. The door was closed. He felt unbelievably nervous at the thought of knocking, and briefly wondered if this was really such a good idea.

Too late now.

'Mr Potter do you intend to stand outside my door all night or were you going to knock and come in at some point?' Came Snape's voice from inside.

Harry didn't know what to say so he just knocked.

'For goodness sake come in.' Snape replied.

Harry opened the door. He discovered once inside, that Snape was in a foul mood, in fact he looked lived. Harry immediately wished that he hadn't come, and wondered how on earth he was going to get out of this unscathed.

'What do you want Potter?'

'I'm sorry to interrupt sir but I thought I would practice Occlumency before our next lesson and I wanted to ask your advice.'

'My advice?' Snape hissed. 'Why do you want my advice? You have already showed yourself to be completely incompetent at the subject and I can't possibly imagine that you will improve this time round.'

'I thought maybe you might have some suggestions…' Harry trailed off, his eyes lowering to the ground. He felt unbelievably foolish.

'Apparently my suggestions have been upsetting you so why would you request more?' Snape said bitingly.

'Upsetting me? What do you mean sir?' Harry looked up at him confused and winced when he saw the contempt in Snape's eyes.

'I just received a visit from Ms Granger. Apparently I've been harassing you in class and your delicate disposition has been unable to handle it.'

Harry doubted that Hermione had put it that way but despite that he felt angry and somewhat betrayed at the thought that she had spoken to Snape about him at all. 'I didn't tell her that.' He said firmly.

'Are you really unable to handle any criticism? Do you honestly believe that since you have defeated the dark lord you need not learn anything else? That no one has the right to try to teach you anything? I thought your arrogance had dissipated with the end of the war but clearly that isn't the case.'

Harry felt bewildered. 'She shouldn't have said anything!' He said almost desperately.

'You shouldn't be complaining!' Snape shot back. 'Perhaps you shouldn't attend my class anymore if you feel that you're above learning from me.'

'Professor…' Harry said faintly. 'Please.' He hated to hear the hurt in his voice.

This seemed to make Snape even angrier. 'What is wrong with you Potter?' He snapped. 'Where is your backbone? Your anger? You've turned into a coward! Stop being so weak!' He hated this version of Potter more than anything, he was a shadow of the person who had beaten Voldemort. It made him sick.

'I'm sorry.' Harry whispered. He couldn't seem to muster the strength to say anything else, and he felt a horrible dizziness creeping over him.

'Don't apologise you imbecile. Speak to me. Tell me what is wrong.' Snape said urgently. 'And don't pass blame. For once in your life be honest.' He paused. Still Harry said nothing, his eyes on the floor like a frightened first year.

'Look at me Potter.'

Harry struggled to look up. 'I'm fine Sir.' He whispered, as he raised his eyes. 'I'm…' he broke off as he looked at Snape, his dizziness overcoming him, and found himself face to face with Voldemort.

It was worse than the shadow had ever been. Where Snape's face should have been there was Voldemort's. Red eyes and his nose, the two slits… he couldn't be… it couldn't be Snape. He couldn't be Snape.

Harry screamed- a terrifying bloodcurdling scream.

Before Severus knew what had happened Harry had bolted from his office at top speed.

Not him, he's not him. Harry thought desperately as he ran. His head was swimming with dizziness and he thought he might collapse at any moment. He knew with a ferocious certainty though that what he had seen was true. Severus Snape should have died in the shrieking shack. No one knew how he had survived. Maybe he hadn't and it was Voldemort who had, in Snape's body somehow. He was so confused.

His legs threatened to give out under him but he kept running, not even knowing where he was going or what he was seeing. People called out to him as his pushed past them but he didn't stop. He couldn't stop, he just kept running.

His stomach heaved and his head swam and he knew he wasn't going to last much longer. He bolted into the nearest bathroom and doubled over the sink as he was violently ill. He kept his head down as a second wave of nausea rolled over him. He heaved again, and prayed that his legs wouldn't give way. Once his stomach stopped writhing and heaving he took a deep breath to try and shake the dizziness but still it washed over him, He felt unreal, disembodied, and very very frightened. He was more frightened then he had ever been in his life.

He raised his eyes to the mirror in front of him.

Red eyes were staring back at him. They were Voldemort's eyes, only they were his eyes now and he realised that the shadow was his face, not Snape's, it was in him all along, and it was part of him. Something snapped inside of him and he silently smashed his fists into the mirror shattering it into pieces.

He supposed he was going mad, but he didn't care, all he cared about now was that Voldemort was somehow inside him, inside his skin, his face. He didn't have his mother's eyes anymore, they were his eyes instead. He couldn't stand it.

Without thinking he raised a broken jagged piece of mirror to his face and started to cut.


	7. Am I Still Me?

**A/N – So I would have had this up yesterday but I only saved it on my USB and then it got corrupted and I lost the whole bloody thing! So I had to rewrite it... and I've learned my lesson... I hope you all like this chapter, with it we reach a bit of a turning point in the story. Please review it and let me know what you think, and thank you all so much for your previous reviews, they really motivate me to write more! **

Chapter 7- Am I Still Me?

Severus stared after Harry in shock. What on earth had just happened? His anger had dissipated completely, leaving him feeling confused and anxious. The way Harry had screamed at him disturbed him greatly. It was an insane scream, the scream of someone who was seeing things he shouldn't be. When put together with the recent incident on the Quiddich pitch, Severus strongly suspected that Harry was hallucinating, and what's more that he had been for some time.

He had to find him.

He cursed the few moments he had wasted standing still in shock as he swept out of his office in search of Harry. He thought it was most likely that he had run back to the Gryffindor common room and so he headed in that direction. There were still a few students around and as he rushed past them they stared at him curiously. He grabbed one as he ran past.

'Has Harry Potter run past here in the last few minutes?' He snapped.

The student (a first year Ravenclaw) nodded quickly, her eyes wide with fear.

'Which way did he go?'

She shook her head.

'Which way?' Severus gave her a shake.

'I, I, I don't know' she stammered.

'Sir I think he went that way.' A fourth year Hufflepuff boy was pointing down a corridor to his right. 'He was in an awful hurry sir.'

Severus didn't pause, he simply let go of the girl and ran down the corridor the boy was pointing to. He began to realise how futile an exercise this was as the corridors were practically empty now and there was no sign of Harry. He could be anywhere.

He paused for a moment.

It was five minutes until curfew. Perhaps Harry had calmed down and headed back to the Gryffindor common room. It was possible even probable that he was now quite alright. Severus then promptly decided that he didn't care if he was alright now, he needed help, and he was going to make sure he got it.

He didn't have access to the Gryffindor common room and so he turned and ran towards the staff room praying that Minerva would still be there.

Thankfully she was.

'Goodness me Severus what on earth is the matter?' She asked.

'It's Potter. He just came to see me in my office and then in the middle of the conversation he screamed at me and bolted from the room.' He said quickly 'I can not find him.'

'How do you mean he screamed at you?' Minerva asked narrowing her eyes at him. 'Were you berating the poor boy?'

'I mean he screamed blue murder at me and then took off. Surely you can see how out of character that is? Potter doesn't scream. Yell, shout, whine, complain, and badger yes. But he doesn't scream in horror at someone and then turn tail and run.' Severus paused. 'There has been something wrong for some time. I believe he is experiencing hallucinations.'

'Hallucinations?' Minerva said sceptically.

'Yes hallucinations, he's been showing signs for weeks now. You need to help me find him. Its possible that he has calmed down now and simply returned to the Gryffindor common room, but if he hasn't then who knows where he is or what he's done. By the time we find him it may be too late.'

'You're really concerned aren't you?' Minerva asked, and a touch of worry crept into her voice.

'Yes I am so can we please stop wasting time and get a move on?' Snape snapped.

'We'll look in the Gryffindor common room first. Let's not overreact.'

Severus refused to answer that comment in case a truly scathing remark came out. Instead he swept out of the classroom at an alarming rate expecting Minerva to catch up and lead the way.

When they reached the common room she held out her arm and stopped Snape from going further. 'Wait here. I will see if he's there.'

'If he is bring him out immediately, I wish to speak to him. If he isn't bring out Mr Weasley and Ms Granger. Surely they must have some idea of where he could be.'

Minerva gave a terse nod and climbed through the portrait hole leaving it open behind her.

Severus waited all of thirty seconds before he climbed in after her.

The Gryffindor common room was still fairly full of students. All of whom stopped and stared at him as he crossed the room to join Minerva who was in a furious discussion with Granger and Weasley.

'Is he here?' Severus asked tersely.

'No he isn't.' Minerva replied.

'Weasley, Granger, outside please.' He snapped, and left the room climbing gracefully out of the portrait hole. He could almost hear the collective sigh of relief behind him.

Once the four of them were standing in the corridor Minerva closed the portrait door behind her.

'What happened Professor Snape?' Granger asked. 'Is Harry okay?'

'I have no idea where he is, and so I suspect that he is not okay at all.' He said tightly. 'Do you have any idea where he would have gone?'

'No I don't.' Hermione said, and Ron shook his head.

'Professor McGonagall said Harry screamed at you? Was this my fault? Did you get angry with him because of what I said?' Hermione asked.

'Well the foolish little chat you decided to have with me certainly didn't help matters at all, and then I suppose you thought you'd tell him to come and discuss things with me, make matters even worse?'

'Actually that was me.' Ron said. 'We didn't know where Hermione had gone, she said she was going to the library, and Harry was worried about the Occlumency lessons and wanted some pointers so I suggested he talk to you.'

'So you did berate him?' Minerva said, once again narrowing her eyes at Severus.

'That is not relevant. It had nothing to do with the breakdown he had. This has been coming on for some time. I can't believe you two were so irresponsible to not bring this to anyone's attention!'

'What's been coming on for some time? Bring what to your attention? Professor McGonagall said you think Harry's been hallucinating? I mean we knew he had been having nightmares but aren't we all?' Ron said, confused. 'Why would he be hallucinating?'

Snape was abruptly furious. 'Maybe because he hasn't slept? Or isn't eating? Or both? How can you three be unaware of this?' He hissed. 'He's been getting steadily worse for weeks now, he's so traumatised by whatever it is he sees that he is barely alive, simply trying to get from one moment to the next, whatever it is he is dealing with is slowly eating away at him and soon there will be nothing left at all. How could you not even notice? Or do you not care about him anymore now that the dark lord is dead? Is he worth so little to you?' Now that he's saved all our pathetic lives? Now that he died for you just abandon him?' Severus had moved well past furious by this stage.

'That's enough Professor Snape.' Minerva said sharply. There were tears running down Hermione's face and Ron looked grey. 'No one has abandoned Harry. We've all been dealing with our own trauma, and it can often make us blind to others.' She continued. 'What is important now is that we find Harry. We must search for him, I don't want anyone else made aware of this. If Harry is as unbalanced as you suggest, it would be better if as few people know as possible.'

'I'll let all us paintings know to look out for him?' The Fat Lady piped up (she had been eavesdropping furiously on the conversation)

'You do that.' Severus said. 'But if you tell anyone what you've heard here, I'll set your canvas on fire.'

'No need to be so tetchy.' She huffed, as she left her frame.

'I suggest that we head back down to Professor Snape's office and start from there, with some luck I'm sure we'll find him soon.' Minerva said.

And so they searched. They started at Severus' office and went in different directions. Severus went down the same corridor as his first search. He looked through every classroom, opened every door, looked under desks and in corners. There was no sign of Harry.

Ron and Hermione went in the other direction. They too searched through every classroom, and looked in every corner, any place they thought he could or would have hidden. Hermione kept calling Harry's name over and over, tears pouring down her face as if she thought he was lost and simply hearing his name would bring him out of hiding. Ron knew better. He privately thought that Harry would shrink further if he knew they were looking for him, but he didn't have the heart to tell Hermione to stop.

Instead he tried to think how Harry would. If he was trying to hide, if were afraid he would have the invisibility cloak, and he would go somewhere unexpected. And he would have the marauders' map with him so he could see when people came looking for him. Wait a second...

'Hermione!' Ron called, stopping dead in his tracks. 'Hermione we have to go back to the common room right now!'

'What? Why?' Hermione asked, but Ron had already run straight past her towards Gryffindor tower at full speed. She struggled to catch up. 'Ron what is it?'

'How could we be so stupid? We're idiots, stupid featherbrained, foolish idiots!' Ron exclaimed.

'WHAT?'

'The map Hermione. The fucking marauders' map. We can find him on the map! Why didn't we think of it? We could have found him ages ago!'

'Oh my god, you're right Ron. We are idiots. What if it's too late? Do you know where it is?'

'I think it's in his trunk.' Ron said, breathless. Hermione picked up her pace and the two of them ran as fast as they could to the common room.

The Fat Lady had thankfully returned to her canvas. 'No one has seen him,' she reported as she let them in.

They barely heard her, as they rushed up the stairs to the boys' dormitory almost knocking Neville down in the process.

'What the hell is wrong with you two?' he asked. 'And where's Harry? And what the hell was Snape doing in our common room?'

'Harry's missing Neville. We don't know where he is, but there's something wrong.' Hermione said, as Ron tore into Harry's trunk throwing things everywhere in his desperation to find the map. 'Have you found it Ron? Is it there?'

'I've got it.' Ron said, fishing it out from the very bottom. 'I solemnly swear I'm up to no good.' He said, tapping it with his wand.

The three of them crowded round the map watching its lines unfold and the myriad of dots appear.

'Blimey.' Neville said, looking at the map.

'Can you see him Ron? Where is he?' Hermione asked desperately.

'I don't know I can't see him anywhere. Oh wait. He's there; in the fourth floor girls bathroom in the east tower.' Ron said pointing to the tiny dot labelled Harry Potter. It wasn't moving.

'I can't see who's closest?' Hermione asked. 'It will take us ages to get there.'

'Snape is he's only a few corridors away.' Ron said. 'You cast it Hermione, yours is much better than mine.'

Hermione raised her wand. 'Expecto Patronum!' She cried and a shining otter sprang forth. 'Professor Snape Harry is in the fourth floor girls bathroom in the east tower, hurry!' Hermione said and the patronus left the room swiftly. Ron and Hermione followed.

'Wait here Neville. And don't tell anyone anything!' Ron called behind him.

'Ok.' Neville said, sounding very confused.

Severus was almost at the panicking stage when the patronus reached him. What was Harry doing in a girl's bathroom? He felt cold with dread. The door to the bathroom was closed. Severus reached out and slowly opened the door.

Harry was lying on the floor underneath the sinks. There were shards of broken mirror all over the floor; it looked like he'd smashed it.

'Harry?' Severus called. 'Harry can you hear me?'

There was no response. And then Severus saw the blood.

Within a heartbeat Severus was at Harry's side and had turned him carefully over to look at him. There was a long gash along the left side of his face from the top of his forehead down along his eye to his chin. Severus pulled out his wand and ran the tip over the gash murmuring an incantation. Once the gash was closed he pulled Harry into his arms and using a corner of his cloak wiped his face clean of blood.

'Harry? Harry talk to me. You need to wake up. Just for a minute.' Severus smoothed the hair back from his forehead, his eyes lingered on the scar that was still so prominent. He was breathing thank god, and his heartbeat was strong. He wasn't too late.

'Professor Snape?' Granger's voice came from the doorway. 'Is he ok?'

'No he's not.' He said tightly. 'He's been hurt and he's unconscious. You need to call Professor McGonagall. He needs help, there's not much we'll be able to do for him here.'

Severus raised his wand again, about to conjure a stretcher, when he felt movement in his arms and looked down. Harry opened his eyes, or at least he tried as his left eye was swollen almost shut.

'Sir?' He murmured. 'I'm so tired.'

'It's ok Harry. I know you're tired. You can sleep soon; just can you tell me what happened?' Severus asked gently. 'I need to know how badly you're hurt.'

'Am I still me?' Harry asked. 'I'm not him am I? I'm still me? You're not him; you never were him were you? I was wrong.' Harry raised his hand to Snape's face, touching his cheek softly. 'I screamed at you didn't I? I thought you were him but you're you, you've always been you. But am I me?'

Snape thought about moving Harry's hand away but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He didn't know who 'He' was but he had a pretty good guess. 'You're still you Harry.' He said. 'You've always been you, and I've always been me. It's going to be ok now.'

'Do I still have my eyes? Not his? Did I ruin my eyes?'

'You still have your eyes, Harry, you didn't ruin them. Shhhh, you can sleep now, you'll be safe. I won't let you hurt anymore.' Snape said softly, and once again started to conjure a stretcher.

'No, don't. Don't do that.' Harry said faintly. 'Just please, look at me. Do you still want to look at me?'

And Severus looked. He looked into those green eyes and watched them slowly lose focus and close. The irony of the moment was not lost on him.


	8. St Mungo's

**A/N- Sorry for the longer break between updates, this chapter was hard to start but once it got going it had a mind of its own! I hope you all enjoy this. Thanks for the lovely reviews, keep them coming!**

Chapter 8- St Mungo's

He blurred in and out of consciousness. Sometimes it seemed as though he were dreaming, although it was never of much importance. There were bright colours, reds, and blues, and yellows swirling around behind his eyes. Then everything was black for awhile. Once he thought he dreamed of Severus, and they were flying together, arms outstretched, and holding hands, like two leaves on the wind. It was strange, he knew who Severus was, but he couldn't remember his own name. What had happened to him? Once more there was darkness.

This time when he woke he felt pain, it was not wholly unpleasant, and more like a tickling itching sensation along the side of his face, had he been hurt? What had happened? He didn't feel sick, or hurt, even though he still couldn't remember his name. He felt safe, and calm. He would remember later, he still couldn't open his eyes, and he didn't want to, so he drifted back into darkness.

He could hear someone speaking, and he could feel someone smoothing the hair back from his forehead. The voice was smooth and detached, but warm and kind. Severus?

The next time he woke up he knew who he was. He knew his name was Harry Potter and his memories seemed to be intact, mostly. He still couldn't remember what had happened, but he wasn't bothered by this fact. He knew he would learn in time. There was no one here now, or he couldn't hear anyone. He still couldn't open his eyes and before he drifted off he wondered briefly why Snape had been there.

He was properly awake now and he knew he could open his eyes but he chose not to, instead he listened to the voices around him. He knew everything, and he remembered clearly the events that had led him to be in this state. He felt like vomiting he was so sick with himself. Oddly enough he still felt that sense of complete calm, he still felt safe. He wondered why.

'I don't understand how this could happen?' Molly Weasley's voice could be heard high about the others. In fact it was almost shrill.

'We don't always know why this happens, only that often after a severe trauma it sometimes is the individuals' only way of coping with it.' A quiet voice answered.

Harry assumed this voice must belong to a healer because he didn't recognise it. He must be at St Mungo's then. Perhaps he was on the same floor as the Longbottoms, after all that seemed to be where the mentally unbalanced people ended up.

'But how could we not notice?' Molly's voice continued. 'Not one of us?'

'In most cases the individual is very careful to keep it hidden. In Harry's case it seems that he is adept at keeping secrets, in particular pretending everything is normal. He's been doing that for most of his life. It's become second nature to him.'

'So what do we do?'

This voice was new, it was Ron's voice. So Ron and Hermione were obviously here as well then. Harry didn't know how to feel about that. Part of him felt warmed that they were still by his side, even after this, even now that the war was over and they were dealing with their own trauma, but part of him felt uncomfortable. He didn't want them to see him like this.

'He needs rest. He needs to be somewhere he feels safe and he needs support. Someone will need to care for him for a time, and make sure that he recovers properly before he returns to his usual lifestyle.' The healer said. 'He needs watching, to ensure this doesn't happen again.' She added.

There was a pause.

'I'll give you a moment.' The healer said, and there were footsteps and a door closed.

'He can stay with me.' Molly said immediately. 'I'll look after him. He needs a mother.'

'But you aren't his mother Molly.' Professor McGonagall said. 'And you have just lost a son, you're in mourning, and you need looking after yourself.' She said firmly. 'You cannot be responsible for this.' Her voice softened. 'As much as you may want to.'

'I am well aware I've just lost a son Minerva.' Molly said shakily. 'And I almost lost another a week ago though negligence.'

A week? It happened a week ago? Harry could barely believe it. He could also barely believe that even after losing Fred, Mrs. Weasley was still referring to Harry as her son. It made him feel even worse for putting her through this.

'It wasn't anyone's fault mum.' Ron said quietly. 'Harry needs to come back to Hogwarts anyway. The healer said that he needs to feel safe. Hogwarts has always been his home. He needs to stay there.'

'It's interesting that you say that Mr Weasley, as Professor Snape has said the same thing. He also suggested that Harry stay with him in the dungeons, as he obviously cannot return to his classes and shouldn't be in his dorm either. It's not a terrible idea.' She said thoughtfully.

'It is a terrible idea!' Molly exclaimed. 'Harry hates Professor Snape!'

'No he doesn't.' Hermione and Ron said together.

'Not anymore.' Hermione added.

There was silence.

Harry hoped his cheeks weren't burning. They were right of course, but personally he couldn't think of any place worse to stay than in the dungeons with Snape. He didn't remember much of that last night, images and feelings mostly, but he remembered that Snape had been there at the end and that he had abandoned all pretences towards him. He was certain he had touched his face, and he remembered Snape looking down at him with an expression of overwhelming pity. He never wanted to see that face again.

'I don't feel comfortable leaving him with Severus Snape.' Molly said firmly. 'He needs kindness. I know Severus is a war hero but he's not kind, and they didn't get along well in the past.'

'They don't get along well now either.' Ron said darkly.

'I understand your concerns Molly, but do you have a better suggestion?' Professor McGonagall asked.

'Might I suggest that we discuss this at a later time?' A voice interrupted them smoothly. 'And not in front of Potter perhaps?'

'Professor Snape! Do try not to sneak up on me; you nearly gave me a heart attack.' Professor McGonagall exclaimed.

'I'll try to refrain from that in the future.' Snape said drily. 'If you wish to continue this conversation may I suggest we take it outside?'

'But Harry is still asleep?' Hermione said sounding confused. 'He's not due to wake up for another hour.'

'Mr Potter is already awake.' Snape said. 'I suspect he has been for some time now.'

Harry dropped the pretence and opened his eyes, staring at the ceiling. He didn't really want to look at or talk to anyone, though he supposed he would have to eventually. He wished he could just go back to sleep, back to the world of colours and dreams and calmness. Although he still felt calm, they must have given him a calming draught.

'Harry?' Hermione said tentatively. 'Are you ok?'

He didn't answer her. What was he supposed to say? I just tried to cut my face off but sure I'm fine now?

'I'll fetch the healer.' Snape said and swiftly left the room.

Harry hoped he wouldn't come back, he couldn't figure out what he was even doing here, much less why he would offer to care for him. He was relieved when the healer returned without him.

'Mr Potter?' The healer said, peering down at him. She was middle aged, with hair that was greying at the temples, and a kind face. 'How are you feeling?'

'Tired.' He answered truthfully. 'I've been here for a week?'

'Yes dear.' She said. 'You are at St Mungo's. My name is Healer Jones.'

Harry nodded. 'If I've been asleep for a week then why am I still tired?'

'You're body needed time to heal. After you collapsed you were brought here and given a potion to induce a healing sleep. You are still tired now because you are not fully healed yet, but the longer you remain in a sleep like that the less likely you are to wake up from it.'

'What's wrong with me?' He asked. 'I assume none of it was real?' He added.

'You were suffering from hallucinations, most likely a result of a post traumatic disorder.' The healer said gently.

'So I'm crazy now then?' he asked casually.

'No Harry, not crazy!" Hermione blurted out.

Ron said 'Barking.'

Harry smirked, he wasn't sure why but Ron's comment had made him feel a whole lot better. 'Thanks Ron.'

'You're not crazy Mr Potter.' Healer Jones said with a smile. 'You have just been through a terrible ordeal and your body has reacted to that. Your hallucinations were triggered by the trauma, by lack of sleep, and pure mental exhaustion. In time you will be just fine, but you need monitoring for awhile, some counselling, and you need rest above all else.'

'Is my face healed?' Harry asked, his voice dead. He knew and understood what the healer had told him but he couldn't help feeling that this was just another thing he suffered from that no one else did. Like in their third year when he had a stronger reaction to the Dementors than anyone else. He obviously wasn't a very strong willed person, and he was sick of trying to be.

'Yes your face has healed. You have a very slight scar that runs down the left side, but thanks to Professor Snape it's barely noticeable and will fade in time.'

Just what he needed, to be further indebted to Severus Snape, Harry thought. He felt sick again. He just nodded slightly, unable to form any other response.

'We have obviously given you some potions' Healer Jones continued, 'A calming draught, as well as the sleep inducing potion. We also gave you a potion to curb the hallucinations.'

Anti psychotics, Harry thought. What happened to him not being crazy?

'This we ceased to administer after two days. It is our hope that rest and a calming environment will be all that is required for you to make a full recovery. We believe that the hallucinations were mostly caused by lack of sleep. That's what the diagnostic spells seemed to indicate. However if you do experience any more hallucinations you must return for further treatment.' She paused for a moment. 'I know this is a lot to take in, the good news is we can release you in the morning, just make sure that you rest.'

Again he simply nodded.

'I'll leave you to talk to your friends now Mr Potter. If you have any questions or worries, please just ask. I'm here to help.' She smiled kindly down at him and then left the room.

Professor McGonagall followed her. 'I hope you feel better soon Mr Potter.' She said with a small smile.

Harry managed a faint smile back in her direction, and then looked at the ceiling.

'Harry, you can come home to the burrow and stay with me for awhile. Wouldn't you like that?' Molly asked, fluffing the pillows under his head.

Harry saw Ron shake his head out of the corner of his eye.

'Mrs Weasley, I really appreciate the offer but I just can't intrude on you like that. I'd be constantly worried that I was a burden.' He said softly. It was true, he would feel like a burden, but no matter who ended up with the unfortunate task of caring for him, (or babysitting him as he thought of it) he would still feel like a burden on them.

'Is there someone else you'd like to stay with then?' She asked kindly.

Harry sighed. He really didn't want to stay with anyone, but he certainly didn't want to remain at St Mungo's either. 'Not really.' He admitted. 'But I don't want to stay here.'

'What about Hogwarts Harry?' Hermione asked tentatively. 'That way we could visit you as much as we like? You can't go back to the dorms yet and obviously you would hate the infirmary, but I'm sure that there will be a place for you somewhere.'

Harry just shrugged. He did want to go back to Hogwarts as Ron had been correct when he said it was like a home to him, but he was afraid to say so because that would most likely land him with Snape, and he would rather die than have to see that man again. He just couldn't bear the thought of facing him. 'I don't suppose it matters much.' He said slowly.

'What matters Harry, is that you're taken care of for once.' Molly said firmly. 'I'll speak to Professor McGonagall. We'll sort something out.' She ran her hand through his messy hair affectionately, before she too left the room.

He was alone with Ron and Hermione.

'What the hell happened Harry?' Ron asked bluntly.

Hermione swatted him 'Ron! We aren't supposed to upset him!'

'It's ok. I'm not upset.' Harry said, and he meant it, he didn't really feel anything except numb.

'So then tell us what happened?' Ron persisted.

'You mean why did I try to cut off my own face?' Harry asked.

Ron winced. 'Yeah.'

And so Harry told them. He told them everything from when he first saw the shadow to when he looked in the mirror and saw Voldemort's face instead of his own. He told them everything he could remember, although some parts were still blurry.

'The thing is I was so certain it was real, and I just didn't want to turn into him.' He finished.

'Bloody hell Harry! Why didn't you tell us what you were seeing? You normally tell us everything!' Ron said after a moment.

Hermione didn't say anything, but she discreetly wiped her face.

'I don't know.' Harry said. 'I think I just wanted it to all be over you know? In the beginning I worked out that no one could see it except me, so I thought if I ignored it it would go away, but then it just got worse and worse and I couldn't tell anymore what was real and what was not.'

'But you're ok now Harry?' Hermione said uncertainly.

Harry shrugged. 'At least I didn't hurt anyone except myself.'

There was silence.

'Don't let them send me to Snape.' Harry said flatly.

'Why?' Hermione said. 'I thought that would be what you wanted? It's still at Hogwarts, and he won't coddle you. He'll probably just leave you alone mostly. And you never know Harry, he might actually be the best person to talk to. He is the only one who went through as much as you did.'

'And he didn't go crazy.' Harry muttered. 'Only I do that.'

'He might be the best person to help you mate.' Ron said, ignoring Harry's comment. . 'As much as I hate to say it.' He added.

'He's done enough already. I don't want him to help anymore. He deserves to have his own life.' Harry stated fiercely. 'Just please make sure that doesn't happen. I don't ever want to see him again.'

'Ok Harry, if you're sure.' Hermione said.

'I'm sure.'

'We'd better go and tell them then, I'm sure that's what they're all discussing now.' She said standing up slowly.

'Just don't tell them I said that. I don't want to seem rude or ungrateful. He doesn't deserve that. Just say that the dungeons aren't a calming environment or something. I dunno, make something up if you have to, just make sure I don't end up with him.'

'We'll try Harry.' Ron said.

'Are you going to be ok for a bit?' Hermione asked.

'Yeah, I'm tired. I'm going to go back to sleep I think.' He rolled over and faced the wall, his eyes closed. But he didn't go to sleep. He could hear raised voices in the corridor from time to time, he had no doubts they were arguing about what to do with him. He squeezed his eyes shut and eventually he fell asleep.

When he woke up a short time later there was someone sitting next to his bed. It was Professor McGonagall.

'What's going to happen to me?' He asked her.

'There was quite the argument over what would be best for you Harry, but it has been decided that you will return to Hogwarts with Professor Snape as your guardian.' She said crisply.

Harry tried not to let his face show how unhappy this news made him.

'I have my concerns with this arrangement.' She continued. 'It's a known fact that in the past the two of you did not get along at all well, however Professor Snape is adamant that this is the best solution for everyone, including you. He has assured me that he will treat you well and will see that you get the rest you need.'

He didn't say anything, just waited for her to continue.

'Mr Weasley and Ms Granger seemed to think this was a good idea at first as they assured me that you would approve of this arrangement, but then they decided that the dungeons might make you uncomfortable. However other than simply sending you back to the Gryffindor dormitory they didn't have a more practical solution.' She paused for a moment. 'Professor Snape's quarters are not what you might think. They are comfortable and quiet. A good environment for recovering, I'm sure you will be happy there.'

Harry just nodded numbly, as a cold sense of dread settled over him.

'Are you happy with this arrangement Harry?' Professor McGonagall asked.

'I don't think it matters much if I'm happy or not.' He said carefully. 'If it's what has been decided is best then I don't suppose there is much to say really.'

'You must tell me if you aren't happy staying there. If you and Professor Snape do not get along and you are unhappy tell me immediately and I'll make other arrangements.' She said firmly.

Harry just nodded again. There didn't seem much he could do about it. He certainly couldn't explain the real reason why he didn't want to be anywhere near Snape. He would simply have to do his best to get better quickly and to talk to the man as little as possible. He certainly wasn't going to complain.

'It's settled then.' Professor McGonagall said. 'You should try and sleep some more Harry. You need as much rest as you can get.' She touched his shoulder lightly and got up to leave. 'Professor Snape will be here to collect you in the morning.' She added before walking out the door.

There wasn't anything left to do except sleep.

He woke up again, and the room was in darkness. He had no idea what time it was but assumed it was late at night or early in the morning. Once again there was someone sitting in the chair by his bed. He was obviously not supposed to be left alone. He rolled over, still half asleep and saw Snape's outline next to him. He was awake, eyes focused on the wall opposite him.

Once again Harry wondered what he was doing there. Surely a nurse or a healer could have sat with him? He was puzzled.

Snape turned his head and looked at him and for a moment Harry looked back. His eyesight had adjusted and he simply looked into Snape's dark eyes that held a hint of a question in them.

Harry looked away and rolled over again, turning his back to Snape, he didn't want to answer that question. He closed his eyes and prayed that morning would never come.


	9. Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

**A/N****- This was a very difficult chapter to write and I'm not so sure I was successful in portraying what I wanted. I hope you all enjoy it though, and please review to let me know what you think (either good or bad). Also this story is obviously slightly AU as Snape is still alive, but there are other little differences as well. All will be explained so be patient!**

**Chapter N****ine- Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying**

Harry was relieved to find himself alone when he woke in the morning. It was hard enough to face the idea of unlimited alone time with Snape without having to wake up to him as well.

As he gingerly sat up in bed he realized just how weak he was, he felt shaky all over. He stood slowly and moved to the bathroom, hesitantly standing in front of the mirror. He looked at himself carefully, mentally sidestepping the memory of the last time he looked at his reflection.

He was pale as usual, and he could tell he'd lost weight. He had a long white scar that ran down the left side of his face, about the width of a thin needle. Considering what he'd intended to do with that piece of mirror, he knew he'd got of lightly. Thanks to Snape the scar would probably fade even more in time and would hardly be noticeable. He wasn't sure that he deserved that, but then again surely one scar was enough?

He showered and dressed slowly, and even that seemed to exhaust him. Not sure what to do with himself after that he just sat on the hospital bed and fought against the compulsion to just get back in it and go to sleep.

'Are you ready to go?' Snape said from the doorway.

Harry looked up at him. 'You know you really should learn to make more noise when you move.' He said softly. 'Then you wouldn't startle people so much.'

'You assume of course that it's not my intention to startle people.' Snape replied.

Harry just looked at him for a moment, and then said. 'Yes I'm ready.' He didn't know what else to say.

Snape nodded once and then Harry followed him out of the room. They had to sign a lot of paperwork before they were allowed to leave and he was given a lengthy lecture about what potions to take and how regularly and how he must rest or he wouldn't recover. He barely paid attention, and was finding it increasingly difficult to talk. He knew he needed to say thank you to Snape for saving his life (again) and for taking him in now, but he just couldn't find the words. He couldn't find any words.

Finally they were allowed to leave the hospital, and the two of them walked outside. Just as Harry was wondering how they were going to get to Hogwarts, Snape held out his arm.

'Hold on.' He said. 'We are going to apparate straight to my quarters.'

'But I thought you couldn't apparate into Hogwarts?' Harry said in surprise, remembering all too well how many times Hermione had reminded Ron of that fact.

'A small section of my quarters have always been exempt from that rule.' Snape said. 'Hold on please.'

Harry lightly rested his hand on Snape's arm.

'You'll have to hold on a bit tighter than that Potter.'

He gritted his teeth and held on tighter trying very hard not to think about whose arm he was holding and how very warm it felt under his skin. He briefly wondered if the dark mark was still there or if it had faded when Voldemort died.

They turned on the spot.

Harry let go of Snape's arm as soon as they had reached their destination. They were standing on a sort of balcony, that was hollowed out from the castle wall, they were on the outer side of the castle, and the view was quite spectacular. Harry barely noticed it though, he kept his eyes down unsure of himself. It felt very very strange to be in Snape's quarters, like he was an intruder, which of course he was.

'Come inside.' Snape commanded, waving at the double doors in front of him. 'The wards will let you in if you enter either through this entrance or through the internal entrance. This balcony is the only place that anyone can apparate to or from. Do not leave from here without my permission. If you do I will ensure that the wards on these doors will not let you out again. Otherwise feel free to come out here whenever you like. The fresh air will be good for you.'

Harry nodded numbly and wandered through the double doors after Snape, who led him through a small sized sitting room, talking as he went.

'This is the sitting room. You may read and study out here as you wish, and visit with your friends, although if I am in here I ask for silence.'

They walked through the door on the other side and entered a small corridor coming to a stop in front of two doors. Snape opened the door on the left, and gestured inside. 'This is your bedroom. I will respect your privacy as much as possible but I ask that you keep it fairly neat. The room next door is my bedroom, please do not enter it unless it is an emergency. The bathroom is at the end of the hall.' He paused.

Harry looked at the room, the bed was a double and covered in a rich red bedspread. Harry vaguely wondered if Snape had done that to try to make him feel more at home. It was the biggest bed he had ever had. 'I think I'm going to rest now.' He said softly.

Snape nodded tersely and left Harry alone.

Harry wandered to the bed and toed off his shoes, he didn't bother to undress before he pulled back the covers and climbed in. He curled up into a ball on his side and pulled the covers up over his face.

And there he stayed.

He lost track of time after awhile, and eventually lost track of days. He got out of bed only to visit the bathroom when necessary, and otherwise kept curled up in a ball with his head covered. Thankfully there were no windows in the bedroom so it was always dark. He liked the dark, it made it easier not to think.

Sometimes Snape was there, sitting quietly in the dark next to him, and sometimes he wasn't. The first time this happened (on the very first night he was there), Harry waited expectantly in silence (with his back to him) for Snape to reprimand him or tell him to get out of bed and stop sulking, but he never did. Instead he conjured a chair to sit in and settled himself next to the bed, not saying a word. Harry gave up waiting after a while and went back to sleep. When he woke up Snape was gone. But there was a plate of food and several potion vials next to the bed, on a table where the chair had been, and there was a note that said, 'You must eat, and drink these potions. They are not the crap that St Mungo's gave you – I brewed them myself, hence they are safe to take.'

He didn't really know what to make of that, but he ate a few of the sandwiches and drank the potions obediently. For some reason that he couldn't explain he folded the note and stuffed it under his pillow. Then he rolled over and closed his eyes.

He supposed that Snape must still be teaching classes because he was often gone for long periods in the middle of the day, when he was in his quarters he was sometimes working (he assumed) in the sitting room, and sometimes sitting with Harry. He never ate meals with him, but would often bring him food and would sit with him while he ate it, never commenting on how much or how little he ate. He brought him his potions each day and vanished empty potion vials and leftover food as needed. Harry sometimes wondered what potions he was on, but he never asked what they were. He knew he was on a calming draught, and he thought he must be on dreamless sleep because he was sleeping all the time but not having nightmares anymore, not having any dreams at all actually.

He sometimes heard other people talking with Snape in the sitting room, once he could have sworn he heard Ron and Hermione speaking with Snape in low tones. But he was so tired, so so tired and he didn't have the energy to get out of bed and visit with them, instead he closed his eyes and went back to sleep. He just wanted to be left alone.

In fact Ron and Hermione had tried to visit Harry for the past three days and it was only on the third day that Severus finally allowed them in. He assured them quietly that Harry was fine, but currently asleep. And then shoed them out the door with a promise that he would tell Harry they had visited.

Professor McGonagall came on the fourth day. She was not so easy to placate.

'What on earth do you mean he's in bed? It's the middle of the day!' She exclaimed.

'He is resting, as the healer ordered him to do.' Severus said curtly. 'When he is ready he will get up, but that time is not now.'

'Are you sure it's wise to allow him to behave like this? Is it really in his best interests to indulge him?'

Severus leaned back against the doorframe of the sitting room and folded his arms, waiting for her to finish.

'He needs to be out of bed and concentrating on getting well again, not wallowing in his misfortunes! You assured me that he would be safe and looked after here, I only allowed you to continue teaching your classes because you assured me he was doing well. Then Mr Weasley and Ms Granger informed me that Harry was refusing to see them and that he was locked up in your quarters and confined to his room!' She ranted. 'I thought you of all people wouldn't let him behave this way, you have never indulged him in anything. Is it simply that you can't be bothered to actually care for him? Is he taking his potions? Is he eating correctly?'

'Are you quite finished?' Severus said.

'Answer me please. Are you treating him properly?' Minerva asked, calmer now.

'Of course I'm treating him properly.' He snapped. 'He is eating and taking his potions on a daily basis. He does not feel like getting out of bed at the moment, probably because recently he has not been able to sleep without fear from nightmares or hallucinations! I assure you he will snap out of this sooner or later but right now it's best for him to be left to his own devices. I am not about to argue with him. When he is ready he will get up. Until then he is best left alone.' He paused for a moment. 'I expected more from those two, I explained all this to them last night. It wasn't as if Harry didn't know they were here, he is certainly not confined to his room and could easily have got up if wanted to.'

Minerva sighed. 'It is difficult for them Severus, they are worried about him that's all, as am I, and in his absence they are expected to answer all the questions surrounding his breakdown. It's hard on them. They miss their friend.'

'Right now he isn't their friend. He isn't anybody, he is simply existing separate from everything else. Like I said, he will get over this. I believe he doesn't want to to be strong anymore.'

'He is strong though, no one else in this world could have had the strength to manage what he did at such a young age. He is still a boy!' Minerva said softly.

Severus raised his eyebrows in question, 'Do you really see him as a child still? He hasn't been a child since Albus died Minerva. He has been forced to be an adult, to make adult choices, and have an adult's strength. I agree that he managed superbly when it counted, but even the best of us have moments where we must let it all go. He is learning that lesson now.'

'And you Severus? Did you ever learn that lesson?' She asked meaningfully.

'My lessons are mine alone Minerva, don't presume to know me. I am not yours to fix and I resent any attempt you make at it.' Severus said icily. He had in fact learned that lesson, and many others besides that, but that was his business and no one else's.

'Oh for heavens sake Severus stop being ridiculous. There are people here who care about you too you know.' She huffed.

'Just keep your opinions to yourself please.' He snapped. 'Let's stay focused on Potter shall we? I'll inform you once he has come through this, and I will let you know once he is ready to return to his dormitory and classes. In the mean time I will continue teaching and will assist Potter in recovering, as promised.'

'Alright then, but I do worry about the boy being alone so much.'

'I do wish you would stop referring to Potter as a boy. It's a ridiculous notion. And I am here for much of the time, so he is not alone.'

'Do you speak with him Severus?' Minerva asked. 'He needs someone to talk to.'

'I sit with him, and I make sure that he takes his potions and that he eats. When he is ready to speak, I will answer him.'

Minerva looked at him for a long moment. 'Albus would be so proud of you.' She said softly.

Severus gave her a hard look, but refrained from replying. Instead he ushered her to the door. 'Thank you for your concern.' He said shortly, holding the door open for her.

Once she had left he returned to Potter's room to check on him. Unsurprisingly he was asleep. Severus once again conjured a chair and sat down next to the bed. He wasn't sure exactly why he felt the need to keep him company like this, only that he didn't want Harry to be alone, for the first time in his life he actually cared about more than whether he lived or died. He wanted him to be happy.

Severus wrinkled his nose, He also wanted him to be clean and smell free. Harry was fast asleep so he cast a quick scourgify on him hoping he wouldn't wake up, thank fully he didn't even stir. He then noticed the potion vial on the bed next to him. It was still full, he hadn't taken it. Severus picked it up and looked at it, it was dreamless sleep. He unconsciously leaned over and smoothed Harry's hair back from his forehead. 'I hope you have happy dreams Harry.' He whispered.

Harry dreamed of many things that night, some were wonderful- beautiful shapes and colors, soft hands and dark eyes. Some were not so wonderful.

His subconscious washed right over most of the images, choosing to concentrate on only a select few.

He saw Dobby, as he was when he worked at Hogwarts in the kitchens, mismatched socks, and a tea cosy hat, offering cakes and buns. 'How can I help Harry Potter?' He asked in his squeaky voice. The image changed and he was holding him in his arms as he died. The image changed again to a hook nosed, dark haired man towering over him, and then again to a pair of eyes locked onto his own.

Harry woke the next morning feeling more alive than he had for months. The unbearable numbness that had settled over him had disappeared. It had been replaced with anger, mostly directed at himself.

People had died, Dobby had died in his place no less, and here he was barely existing! It was time to make a choice, to get busy living or to get busy dying. He knew which one he wanted to do. He felt angry over the mockery that his life had been to this date, but the only person who was holding him back now was himself. He was better than this. Voldemort had stolen enough of his life and enough of Snape's too, he wasn't going to let him take anymore.

And so he got out of bed putting his feet firmly on the floor. He wandered slowly out of the room and down the short corridor to the sitting room.

Snape was seated in a chair by the fireplace, reading. Harry took a moment before he spoke to simply look at him. He knew that Snape was aware of him standing there, but the silence did not seem to bother him.

'Professor Snape?' Harry asked.

Snape put down his book and raised his eyes to Harry's face. 'Yes Potter?'

'Thank you Sir, for saving my life yet again, and for allowing me to stay here while I recover.' Harry paused. 'I realize my behavior since I arrived here has been disgraceful, and I apologise for that. It won't happen again. Also, thank you for sitting with me.' He finished, refusing to lower his eyes from Snape's face. He could feel his cheeks reddening.

Snape regarded him for a moment. 'Potter you will find that I don't accept thanks very often or very graciously, so I advise you refrain from now on. I accept your apology, though in this instance it was not necessary.'

Harry nodded.

Snape raised his eyebrows. 'I suggest you have a shower and get dressed, and then we will have a discussion. I have some questions for you and I am sure you have some for me.'

'Yes Sir.' Harry replied and turned to head to the bathroom.

'Harry?' Snape said casually.

He turned back to find Snape smirking at him.

'Welcome back to the land of the living.'

**A/N- The phrase 'get busy living or get busy dying' is from the movie 'The Shawshank Redemption'. Brilliant movie! **


	10. Change

**AN- Sorry for the longer wait with this one, although I am happy with how it turned out! Thanks again for the reviews and do keep them coming! Remember I appreciate any feedback good or bad, so if you hate something or disagree with something I've done please let me know!**

Chapter 10- Change

It was the best shower he'd had in a long long time, beaten only perhaps by the shower he'd had after the final battle. He stood for ages under the hot spray, just letting it run over his body. His muscles were finally beginning to relax as he stood still, with the water streaming over his face. His eyes wandered over his body and he grimaced, he looked dreadfully skinny- worse even than in his childhood when he had been locked in his cupboard for weeks at a time. He was emaciated. No wonder Snape had forced him to eat something every day since he arrived- he was sorely in need of sustenance.

He wondered again why Snape was going to all this effort to look after him. Why did he sit next to him night after night? Surely he had something better to do?

He felt his body stir. Simply picturing Snape sitting by his bed, his penetrating dark eyes on him was enough to make Harry instantly hard. 'Oh you have got to get over this.' He muttered to himself. 'It's never gonna happen, let it go.' He sighed. Jacking off in Snape's shower was really not something he'd ever planned on doing, unless of course Snape was in here with him. That thought completely undid him and he gave into himself and leant against the shower wall as he stroked himself to completion.

By the time he was finished he estimated that he had spent a good half hour in the shower, and so hurriedly dressed in the set of his school robes that he found in the closet in his bedroom.

By the time he re entered the sitting room Snape had a rather irritated look on his face.

'I seriously hope that all your showers will not take that long.' He said in a withering tone.

'No Sir.' Harry said, feeling more than a little flushed.

'Please sit.' Snape gestured to a chair in front of the small fireplace, opposite to the one he was currently occupying.

Harry sat down, keeping his eyes on Snape. 'You said you had questions for me Sir?'

'I do, although you may find answering them difficult. You have questions as well yes?'

'I do, and I'll do my best to answer yours Sir.'

Severus was becoming irritated. Every time Harry called him Sir it reminded him of the time he had cheeked him in class. He preferred not to be reminded of that, especially now that his feelings towards him were so mixed.

'Firstly Potter it is appropriate that while you reside here in my quarters you call me by my first name. It is not necessary for you to call me Sir or Professor while staying here.' He said, a twinge of annoyance creeping into his tone.

Harry frowned. 'Alright. But in that case you must call me by my first name too.'

'If that's what you want.'

'I agree it would be less formal, but I am confused Sir- Severus. I thought you would want me to call you Sir. It shows respect.' Harry didn't really know why he asked that, privately he was thrilled to be able to call him Severus. It was one step closer to the man, which really was all he wanted.

Severus raised his eyebrows. 'Since when have you ever shown me respect Harry?'

'Since the end of the war, when I discovered all you had done for me.' Harry said softly.

There was silence.

'Ask your questions.' Severus said.

Harry just looked at him. He didn't understand why he got so irritated at the mention of his involvement in the outcome of the war. He narrowed his eyes slightly.

'What potions am I on?'

'I have been giving you two different types of calming draught, one designed to aid you to sleep and one for calming your sub conscious mind only, Dreamless Sleep, although you yourself deemed that unnecessary last night so I suppose you could stop taking it regularly now, and two different types of nutrition potion.' Severus listed off.

'Was that what St Mungo's prescribed for me?' Harry asked carefully. 'Or did you add to it?'

'Well if you remember correctly those potions are from my own personal stock-'

'I remember the note Severus.' Harry interrupted.

'If you'll let me finish I was saying that they are my own potions, not the ones St Mungo's gave you as mine are of a much higher quality. I added the nutrition ones as it seemed as though you were not in a position to eat enough to regain your strength. You obviously have barely eaten anything in the last few months. Rather than bully you into eating I thought it would be preferable to simply give you more potions.' Severus said glaring at Harry.

'I appreciate that. Thank you.' Harry murmured

'You're welcome.' Severus snapped.

'What will happen to me now?' He asked after a moment.

'It appears to me that what happens to you now is entirely of your own choosing. You are to remain here until you are deemed well enough to return to your normal life, after that, what you make of yourself is up to you.'

'That's not quite what I meant. What do I have to do in order to be considered fit to return to my normal life? And since when has my life ever been normal?' Harry asked.

Severus sighed. 'Self pity won't get you anywhere Harry. You must attend counselling sessions at St Mungo's with a mental healer; they will decide when you are ready. I don't believe it will be that long; your breakdown seems to have been caused by exhaustion and stress more than anything else. A few weeks of complete rest will most likely make all the difference.'

Harry nodded. 'When do I get to stop taking the potions?'

'The dreamless sleep you can take as you like, although prolonged use is not wise if you ever want to dream again. The calming draughts we can now lessen the dose and in about a week cease them altogether. The nutrition potions you will continue to take until I deem your weight and appearance healthy. If you eat properly it will speed that up considerably.' Severus said.

'Okay.' Harry said warily. He found the whole idea of his eating habits being monitored somewhat off putting. No one had ever cared in the past about what he ate; in fact the Dursleys had always given him as little as possible. He was now determined to eat everything put in front of him, if only to keep Snape happy and off his back.

'Do you have any other questions for me?' Severus asked.

'Am I allowed to go outside these quarters? Can I still attend classes?' Harry asked. 'I really don't want to fall behind. The whole point of doing this year after everything that happened was to graduate. I don't want to have to redo the year because I had a mental breakdown!' He added feeling slightly panicky.

'You are not a prisoner Harry.' Severus said evenly. 'You may leave these quarters at any time you wish; however I think it would be wise to use discretion. Your class mates have not been told what happened exactly only that you have been removed from classes for personal reasons and will return as soon as you are able. Only a select few know that you are staying here. You may have people visit, although as I said previously I would prefer if these visits were quiet. As for classes, it's not recommended that you return just yet. I wouldn't worry overly though; you will pass your NEWT's with ease.'

'I don't want to just pass them.' Harry said tightly. 'I actually want to do well in them, and for the first time I shouldn't have anything else distracting me.'

'In that case I can tutor you for a short time every evening.'

'Uh, are you sure that's really a good idea?' Harry asked, having visions of Snape towering over him and making snide comments. 'I know I frustrate you, and you are doing so much for me already…'

'I promise I won't throw cockroaches at you.' Severus said with a smirk.

Harry sighed. 'I am very sorry about what happened with the occlumency classes. I don't know what else I can say.'

'Lets leave the past where it is shall we? We both made mistakes there, lets not repeat them.'

Harry nodded. 'Alright.' He paused for a moment.

'Anything else?' Severus asked

Harry desperately wanted to ask why he was bothering to go through all this inconvenience for him, and why he was being so nice, but he didn't think it would go over so well. 'No I don't think so.'

Severus nodded and stood up, smoothing his robes with his hands.

'What did you want to ask me?' Harry said, uncomfortable.

'There is time for that later.' Severus said quickly. 'I must go now, as its well past breakfast and my first class is waiting for me, probably hoping I don't show up.' He smirked.

'What am I supposed to do all day?' Harry asked, confused.

'Rest, relax, read, study if you must.' Severus said. 'All your things are in your room. Mr Weasley brought them down for you. Make yourself at home but please keep out of my room and don't leave the balcony if you go outside.'

'Oh. Ok, thank you.' He didn't know what else to say.

'Don't forget to rest Harry.' Severus said and then swept quickly out of the room.

Harry just sat still for a moment. He really didn't know what to do next, although he was a pro at doing nothing (having been forced to for many sessions at the Dursley's when they locked him in his room) but for some reason here it was different.

He looked around him and for the first time actually took in his surroundings. The sitting room was fairly small but quite comfortable. There was a black leather couch and two arm chairs situated around the fire place where a small fire was burning merrily. The opposite wall was one long, large, book case, and the walls on either end of the fireplace were also shelved and filled with books. Harry stood and wandered over to the external double doors. He pushed them open and stepped through onto the balcony (he half expected that the wards wouldn't allow him out.)

Harry felt confused. He knew that these quarters were in the dungeons, but yet here he was standing on a balcony? It didn't make sense. But then again a lot of things at Hogwarts didn't make sense, and he made a mental note to ask Severus about it. The view was quite spectacular, rolling hills and valleys were spread out before him to admire, and there was a cool breeze on his face. It made him feel alive.

When Severus returned later that evening he found Harry asleep in his room, his bed covered with his text books. He smiled to himself and gently moved the books off the bed, and pulled a blanket over him. As he left the room he wondered just when had he become so pathetic, and why he was letting it continue.

The next day when Harry woke up Snape had already gone, leaving him note reminding him to eat properly and saying they would talk when he got home. Harry sighed. It seemed to him that at most Severus would see him as a child, and at least a nuisance. He was determined to be awake that evening and to have an organised productive day, as productive as he could have anyway.

By the time the evening had come he felt fairly good. He had eaten everything the house elves had sent to him, he had rested like a good boy, and he had studied everything except Defence, which to be honest he felt no interest in currently (he was also fairly sure he would pass that NEWT with flying colours in his sleep). All in all a very successful day for someone who was possibly insane.

When Severus came home, Harry was sitting in one of the arm chairs by the fire and was reading his potions text.

'Well I never thought I'd see the day where you were engrossed in a potions text.' Severus said.

Harry thought to himself that it wasn't the first time he'd been engrossed in a potions text; having spent all of his sixth year with his nose in Snape's copy of Advanced Potion-Making. Wisely he kept his mouth shut and didn't comment, instead putting the book down and turning in his chair to look at Severus. 'You wanted to talk to me?' He asked.

'Yes. I have a few questions for you, although they may not be to your liking. I hope you can answer them honestly.'

'If I can't answer them honestly I won't answer them at all.' Harry said bluntly.

'I expect you to answer them' Severus said flatly.

Harry sighed. 'Go ahead.'

'Why didn't you seek help when you realised that you were seeing things no one else was?' Severus asked.

'I'm not sure to be honest. I guess I felt as though it should have all been over. The war was over, Voldemort was gone, there wasn't supposed to be anything left to be afraid of. I was supposed to get to start living my life. I guess I hoped that if I ignored it, it would just go away.'

'A typical Gryffindor response to a problem.' Severus said.

'Please don't bring my choice of house into this.' Harry said impatiently.

'We don't get a choice in our house Harry, it is chosen for us based on personality traits.'

Harry paused. 'When I put the sorting hat on my head, it wondered where to put me. It was going to put me in Slytherin. I asked it not to, and it put me in Gryffindor.'

Severus went very still for a moment. 'Why exactly did you ask it not to?' He said in an ice cold voice.

'All I knew of Slytherin was that it was the house that Voldemort had been in. Also on the train Malfoy insulted Ron's family for their lack of money, and I didn't want to be in the same house as someone who would insult people like that, especially for those reasons.' Harry shrugged. 'They were superficial reasons but that's how I felt at the time. I was only eleven after all, and I knew nothing of the wizarding world. I'm sorry if that upsets you or makes you angry. Perhaps things would have been very different if I'd been put in Slytherin. Perhaps you wouldn't have hated me as much.'

Severus looked at Harry, 'I think I would have hated you more. You would have been far harder to keep alive had you been placed in Slytherin, and being in my house would have meant even more exposure to you, and what little I already had I could barely cope with.'

'But you don't hate me now?'

'I think you know the answer to that.'

Harry nodded. 'I do. But I don't really understand why. Or how.'

'That is a conversation for another time.' Severus said firmly.

'Alright. Do you have anything else you wanted to ask me?' Harry asked.

Severus paused for a moment. 'You may find this difficult to answer, but I'd like to know what your hallucinations were of?'

Harry closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands. 'Why do you want to know?' He murmured.

'Call it curiosity.' Severus said.

'At first it was just a shadow, it kept appearing in the back ground of things, then it grew worse and would hover over people as they spoke to me. Then I started seeing glowing red eyes in the shadow, not always but sometimes, and by the time I lost it and actually started to believe what I saw, the shadow had grown into Voldemort's face. That night when I screamed at you- I thought you were him, you had his face, and then when I ran and ended up in the bathroom, when I looked in the mirror I saw his face instead of my own. That's why I smashed it, I thought I was turning into him, and so I tried to cut his face out of me.' Harry said in a rush.

There was silence for a moment.

'Are you afraid it will come back?' Severus asked.

'Yes.' Harry said, looking at him. During their conversation he had moved to sit in the armchair next to Harry, he was leaning forwards now, very close to him. 'Are you afraid?' Harry asked.

'I've been afraid for most of my life, but I'm not any longer.' Severus said slowly. 'Eventually you won't be either. Things change.'

'Nothing changes.' Harry said shaking his head. 'I think in some way I'll always be afraid. Things may change around me but I'll still be the same inside.'

'That's not true. Harry listen to me, change can be so constant that you don't even feel the difference from one day to the next. You don't notice your life getting better or worse until one day it just is. Or it can happen in an instant, just blow you away and turn you to something different. That's what happened to me. It happened twice in my life, and I know it's happened to you at least once. Change is what is, but it happens to us all.' Severus paused. 'Don't resist or resent it Harry. You don't want to end up a sad bitter old man like the one you see when you look at me.' He said leaning back in his chair.

Harry leaned forward and gently placed his hand over Severus's. 'That's not what I see when I look at you. All I see is you. I don't need or want to see anything else.' He said squeezing his hand gently. As he lifted it away Severus's fingers rose slightly in response. Harry felt a warm fluttering inside him. He mentally shook himself.

'I have one more question.' Severus said.

'Yes?'

'Why did you resist staying with me?'

'How did you know I resisted it?' Harry asked.

'Well for one thing it was written all over you when I collected you from St Mungo's. Also Mr Weasley and Ms Granger seemed to think you would be happy with this arrangement until you had woken up and they had spoken to you, then they rapidly changed their minds, and started campaigning for you to go anywhere else. I assumed you had asked them to ensure that you were not placed in my care.' Severus said.

Harry sighed. 'That's true. But not for the reasons you might think.'

'Do enlighten me.'

'It's a combination of reasons really. I felt embarrassed mostly. I didn't remember much of the night I broke down but I remembered screaming at you and I remembered that you were the one who found me. I suppose I didn't particularly want to face you.' Harry said.

'How very cowardly of you.' Severus said.

'Yes it was.' Harry agreed. 'But that was only part of it. I thought you had dealt with me enough. You deserved to get to live your life without my safety being a constant burden on you.'

'Don't you think that should be my choice to make?'

'Perhaps. It's confusing though.'

'What's confusing?' Severus asked

'Its confusing to go from hating someone with every fibre of your being to realising that they are the complete opposite of what you thought and that you owe them your life several times over.' Harry said, leaving out the fact that he also had strong feelings for him. 'I respect you immensely, but you intimidated me and made me feel uncomfortable.' He added.

Severus nodded. 'Yes I do understand the confusion one feels when someone you hated previously changes before your very eyes. Do not forget though that I was also the reason that your life needed saving so many times.' He paused. 'Do I still intimidate you?'

Harry thought about it for a moment then realised something. 'No you don't. Not at all.' It was almost as if they were equals now, as if this talk had cleared everything bad between them. He doubted that was actually true but in this moment it felt like it. 'Sorry to disappoint you.' He added.

'I'm not disappointed Harry' Severus said shaking his head and smiling slightly. 'Not really.'

'Anymore questions?' Harry asked lightly.

'Just one.'

Harry raised his eyebrows in question.

'I have homework for you from your Professors in every subject. Which would you like to start with?'

Harry laughed. 'Let's start with Potions shall we? We'll soon discover then if you can still intimidate me!'

'I'm sure I can.' Severus said with a faint smile before conjuring a small desk and chair for Harry to work at.

**AN- Hope you all enjoyed it!**


	11. Out of the Darkness

**A/N- Once again thank you to the few people who reviewed this chapter- please continue to do so as each review brightens my day. Special thanks to Cuz-snarry's-awesome for the most wonderful review. I read it when I was very down and it really lifted my spirits and made me feel better again. So thank you. **

**Chapter 11- Out of the Darkness**

The rest of the week passed quickly. It seemed to Harry as if he and Severus were done having serious in depth conversations for the present (much to Harry's disappointment). They had settled into a strange sort of routine. They would eat breakfast together, then Severus would leave for classes and Harry would study until mid morning. Then he was supposed to 'rest' which he very rarely did, but as far as Severus was concerned Harry was sleeping every day for at least two hours like a good little infant should. Then he ate whatever the house elves delivered for lunch and studied until Severus returned. They then went through his homework together which sometimes led to strained silences and sometimes led to intelligent conversation.

He found it amusing that he was stuck here in order to supposedly recover his sanity when this kind of forced relaxation and boredom (not to mention one on one tutoring with Severus) was more likely to actually cause him to go insane than to cure him.

Harry really didn't think he was insane, especially after that long talk with Severus, but he was determined to try and make the best out of this situation he was in. And the best thing by far was that the only person he wanted to see, talk to and be with was there with him. He spent most of each day simply waiting for Severus to get home, sometimes he would sit on the balcony while doing his studies, leaning back and letting the wind rush over his face. It was becoming increasingly cold each day but he liked to be in the fresh air. It helped him to relax and he felt freer when he was out of doors.

The mystery of how Severus's dungeon quarters had a balcony was answered when Harry finally remembered to ask him one day.

'It's a particularly complex spell Harry.' Severus said raising one eyebrow at him.

'I'm sure I can keep up.' Harry said drily.

'Dumbledore created the balcony for me when I first came to teach at Hogwarts. I am sure you can understand why?'

Harry gave Severus a blank look.

'I thought you said you could keep up.' Severus smirked.

Harry just rolled his eyes at him. 'Do continue.'

'As I had agreed to become a spy for Dumbledore, I needed an easy and quick way to leave the castle unnoticed. The balcony is the only section of the castle and its surrounds where there are no anti apparition wards, thus I have always been able to apparate and disapparate from this spot. However as you have so astutely noticed, my quarters are in the dungeons of the castle and thus a balcony should not be possible. There is a barrier between the balcony and my quarters, think of it as a kind of permanent portkey. The balcony itself is situated just under the head mistresses quarters; to the casual observer it seems to be just an odd piece of rock and stone jutting out from the castle wall. There is a disillusionment charm placed on it so nothing and no one can be seen appearing on it, and there are strong wards and enchantments on the barrier so that only myself – and now you, may pass through the doors into my quarters.'

Harry nodded. 'Makes sense.'

'I'm glad you think so.'

'So why do you still need it then?' Harry asked. 'Since you're not spying anymore I mean.'

'I like to have an escape route, a way to leave for a short while if I find the need. And only Dumbledore and I know of this balcony, so there is no one else left to encourage me to give it up.' Severus said with a small smile.

'I know about it.' Harry said, smiling in return.

'Are you going to suggest I give it up Harry?'

Harry smiled. 'Never, it's very convenient.' He paused for a moment. 'I often sit out here you know, during the day while you're teaching. I like the feel of the wind on my face, it makes me feel like flying away from here.'

'Lucky for you that you haven't.' Severus said darkly. 'You remember what I said?'

'I remember. I wouldn't disobey you; I guess I hoped that you would give me permission. I haven't flown for so long.'

'I am willing to give you my permission Harry, but I would like to accompany you. You may be of age but you're still in my care.' Severus said.

'Really? That would be great if you're happy to.' Harry said joyfully. 'I mean if you don't mind? Wait do you even own a broomstick? I've never seen you on one.'

Severus glared at Harry. 'Are you being intentionally stupid this evening Potter? Of course I don't own a broomstick. I have no need for one you idiot.' And with that he launched himself off the balcony and into the night.

Harry ran to edge and peered into the darkness. 'Severus?' he called. Until that moment he had completely forgotten that Severus could fly.

'Are you coming?' his voice came out of the darkness.

Harry rushed to his room, his heart pounding. He yanked open his closet door and pulled out his Firebolt and rushed back to the balcony, following Severus into the night.

He was fast but Severus was faster, and Harry had troubles keeping up. He didn't think it was possible to be more attracted to him than he already was but seeing Severus fly was enough to make him tremble. He was the most amazing thing he had ever seen, streaking through the night, so graceful, like a raven.

Severus swerved around to hover in the air a few feet in front of him. 'So slow Potter?' he asked in a teasing voice. 'I thought you were the world's best Quidditch player?'

'Clearly I'm nothing to you.' Harry said.

Severus laughed before streaking away again, Harry hot on his heels.

By the time they returned to the balcony they were both flushed and out of breath with excitement.

'That was incredible!' Harry gasped. 'Can you teach me?'

Severus ran his hands over his robes, smoothing them down. 'I can't teach you to fly Harry.' He said quietly. 'It's dark magic.' He paused. 'And I won't teach you anything I learned from him.' He held the double door to his quarters open for Harry.

Once they were inside Harry turned to Severus. 'Why is it dark magic? It seems harmless.'

'Because it goes against nature.' Severus said. 'Even things that seem harmless quite often aren't. No wizard should be able to fly in human form.'

His tone was enough to make Harry silent.

'Mr Weasley and Miss Granger approached me after class today.' Severus said casually after a moment.

'Oh yeah?' Harry asked just as casually. He could guess where this was going.

'They would like to visit you, or for you to visit them. It would appear that they miss you.' Severus said. He managed to incorporate as much sarcasm into this sentence as possible.

'Well I'm sure they can survive without me for a few weeks. I appreciate their concern, but I don't particularly wish to see them right now.' Harry said firmly, ignoring Severus's sarcasm.

'Harry I can understand you not wishing to speak to or be around people at the moment, but that's going to have to change, and soon.' Severus said seriously.

'Why?' Harry asked, trying very hard not to sound petulant.

'Your first counselling session at St Mungo's is tomorrow.' Severus said. 'So get ready to talk.'

'Great.' Harry said sarcastically.

'Take this seriously Harry. Do not be foolish. These sessions are your ticket back to your normal life.' Severus said quietly.

And away from you, Harry thought. But he didn't say it. 'Believe me Severus, I'm taking this seriously. I'm just afraid of what they might say, and of what I might.'

'Everything you say is confidential Harry, however I advise you to be careful when speaking about the war.'

'What do you mean?' Harry asked puzzled.

'Confidentiality will only take you so far. There are some things they have to report to the authorities.' Severus said carefully.

'Such as?'

'You used unforgiveable curses during the war didn't you? And not in defence of your life?'

'Yes. But I had to, I didn't have much choice.' Harry said, feeling cold.

'I know that, but I would advise you to keep details like that to yourself. The ministry has turned against you in the past; I would hate to see that happen again.' Severus said.

Harry nodded. He hadn't even considered the possibility that he might face charges because of his actions during the war; he was certainly considering it now.

…

The next morning Severus accompanied Harry to St Mungo's. He was obviously missing his morning classes but Harry didn't ask who would be taking them instead. He actually felt somewhat foolish having Severus with him; he was perfectly capable of going by himself. Thankfully he didn't come inside, but simply left him by the entrance saying that he would be back for him in an hour.

When the hour was up Severus was there just outside the front door ready to accompany him home. He raised his eyes at Harry in question, but he didn't ask him how it went. Instead he just led the way home, back to their quarters. He wondered when exactly they had become their quarters instead of just his.

Once they were back on the balcony and seated comfortably in the chairs by the fire he finally broke the silence.

'Well?' he questioned. 'Are you going to tell me how it went?'

Harry just shrugged his shoulders. 'She said I looked tired. How the hell I can still look tired after all this bloody sleep is beyond me.'

'Do I look tired?' Severus asked.

Harry looked at him. 'Yes.' He said bluntly.

'As do you, we always will I think.' Severus said, but he chose not to expand further on that comment. Instead he just looked closely at Harry. He did look tired, there were lines on his face that no eighteen year old should have, and his hair was still annoyingly, perpetually messy. But he was beautiful, and damaged. Severus internally chided himself for once again thinking of Harry that way. It was ridiculous to feel that way.

'I think it was fine though,' Harry continued, 'She told me my weight was improving and that I could stop taking potions' at this point he stopped and glared meaningfully at Severus (who simply shook his head in return). 'And she said she was almost certain that my breakdown was an isolated incident, but she wants to see me again in three weeks time, before she'll allow me back to classes.' He sighed. 'I guess you're stuck with me for a while longer.'

'I don't consider it as being stuck with you Harry.' Severus said. In fact he felt very much the opposite, he was enjoying the time spent with Harry far too much, three weeks was too short. 'Surely you didn't think they would pronounce you cured after only one session?' he added with a smirk.

'No of course not, but I don't see how I'm going to improve drastically in three weeks either. She barely scratched the surface, and as I'm sure you can appreciate, it's not exactly easy to talk about Voldemort. Especially to someone who has no concept of what it's like to face him.' Harry said. It was clear he was becoming frustrated.

'No. It's not.' Severus agreed.

Harry didn't seem to want to discuss it further, and so Severus left to teach his afternoon classes. He was not at all inclined to push Harry into talking about his experiences, especially when he knew he would never talk about his own in return.

…

Harry felt irritated for most of the afternoon and couldn't settle properly to anything. Even sitting out on the balcony didn't clear his mind properly and eventually he gave up and went to bed. When he woke, it was past dinner and he could hear Severus in the sitting room. He groaned and ran his hand over his face as he sat up, and padded down the hall to the bathroom. Washing his face didn't help much and so he gave up and decided to shower instead. When he had finished he seriously considered just going straight back to bed but for some reason he found himself wandering into the sitting room and plonking himself huffily into an arm chair.

'If you're going to revert to being an insufferable brat, I suggest you just go back to bed and don't waste my time.' Severus said without looking up from the text he was reading.

'Believe me I considered it.' Harry said.

'Then take your own advice.' Severus snapped.

Harry remained where he was. 'I wanted to ask you something.'

Severus sighed and closed his book, turning slightly to face Harry. 'I'm warning you my patience is wearing thin today.'

'I'll risk it.' Harry said. 'I really can't see myself getting any benefit out of counselling sessions with a complete stranger who has no concept of what I and so many others went through. Especially if I can't be completely honest and have to watch what I say.' He paused.

'That is not a question Harry.'

'My question is how can I get better? Because the counselling was supposed to help get me better wasn't it? Only I can't see it working. I want to get better, I want to be able to deal with my nightmares and to deal with the feelings I experience and thoughts I have. I want to be able to move on and lead a normal life.' Harry said softly. He felt much calmer now, as if simply sitting next to Severus soothed him (which was ironic really considering the effect it used to have on him).

Severus considered the question for a few moments. 'Harry I have found that it is only ourselves who can help us to heal. If you have decided that counselling will not work for you then it will not work. I happen to agree with you, as you are correct in your assessment that not being honest will be counter productive, and I still do believe it is in your best interest to not be completely honest. However you still do need to find a way to deal with your experiences rather than ignoring it as you have done in the past. At the risk of bringing the past into the present, you still do need to learn to control your emotions.'

'Well yes, but how do I do that?' Harry asked.

'Let me ask you a question, what exactly were you doing that night in the third floor corridor?' Severus asked. 'Do you remember what I'm referring to?'

'Of course I do.' Harry said. He really didn't want to go into the details of that night as it came too close to the mirror and what he had seen in it.

'So what were you doing exactly? You weren't alone were you? I was correct in that that assessment?' Severus prodded.

'Yes you were correct. The three of us went together.'

'Tell me why. You said you were facing your fears, what exactly did you mean by that?'

'That night none of us could sleep, we had all had nightmares. We decided to give up trying and to just keep each other company. We started talking about how we felt empty, how nothing was the same as it used to be now the fight was over. I thought that maybe if we could somehow let go of everything that had happened then we would be able to move on and to feel something again, instead of just emptiness. So I suggested that we go back to where it started, in the third floor corridor, because that's where we faced him the first time. I thought it might help, and Hermione agreed so we went.' Harry said carefully.

'If you started out together then why you were alone when I found you?' Severus asked.

'Well we stayed together until we got the room that had the chess set in it. It was basically the only thing that was still the same. None of the other enchantments were still in place, and the chess set was still there but wasn't active.' Harry said.

'The mirror of Erised is still there.' Severus said. 'Professor Dumbledore informed me of the encounter you had with it in your first year. I believe in telling me, he wanted to show me how you were different from your father, I'm afraid he wasn't successful.'

Harry kept quiet.

'Did you get that far Harry?' Severus asked.

Harry sighed. 'I left Ron and Hermione in the chess room and continued on my own. It seemed fitting somehow, probably because that's what happened the first time. So yes, to answer your question I did get that far.'

'And you looked in it.' It wasn't a question.

'Yes.' Harry said tightly.

'It wasn't the same image was it?' Severus asked softly.

'No it wasn't.'

'Was that what disturbed you? The image? When I found you outside the corridor you were heavily distracted, considering how much practice you had a sneaking around the castle after hours I was amazed that had let yourself be caught. And where were the other two?' Severus asked.

'It wasn't the image that disturbed me. I could have looked at it all day every day if I thought for a second it could have come true, but then I saw the shadow. It was the first time it had actually taken form and become his face and it came out of the image in the mirror.' Harry said, feeling sick from the memory. 'I ran. Ron and Hermione followed. Once we were out of the trap door I gave them the cloak and told them to meet me back in the Gryffindor common room.'

'I see.' Severus said. There was silence.

'What does this have to do with me getting better?' Harry asked tiredly.

'Do you remember what I said to you that night?'

Harry shook his head.

'I said that if you were lucky enough to find a way of coping with your trauma that you should stick to it. Perhaps if your hallucinations hadn't taken over, the exercise would have been of benefit to you.' Severus said.

'Perhaps. At the time, up until that point it felt good to talk about it, to remember.' Harry said.

'If you were going to continue on this course where would you go next?' Severus asked.

'I suppose I would go with Ron down to the Chamber of Secrets.' Harry said.

'What about Miss Weasley?' Severus asked. 'Wouldn't she wish to accompany you?'

Harry shook his head. 'Ginny's journey was different to ours. It's not the same.'

'But you care for her.' Severus said tightly.

Harry's heart started to race. It seemed to him as if they were on dangerous ground. 'I care for her like a sister.' He said carefully. 'Nothing more, not now.'

'I see.' Severus said again.

That was completely infuriating because he had no idea what Severus thought of this information and he wanted so desperately to know. He started to ask him, but then changed his mind and kept silent.

'I could arrange this you know, if you think it would help?'

'Arrange what?' Harry asked.

'For you and Mr Weasley to visit the Chamber of Secrets, and any other place you wanted.' Severus said. 'It's somewhere to start Harry, if you wish to heal as badly as you seem to.'

Harry looked Severus in the eye. 'I'd like that. Thank you.' He said softly. 'You're right. It is a start.' He didn't know what else to say.

'I'll arrange it then.' Severus said softly, still looking at Harry. It appeared as if he wanted to say something or ask something more, but he hesitated and then slowly stood up. 'It's getting late. I'm going to retire.'

Harry nodded, his heart still pounding.

As he walked past him Severus reached out and brushed his hand across the back of Harry's head, gently running his fingers through his hair. Harry leaned into the touch whilst keeping as still as possible, and then it was over and Severus had left.

'Good night Severus' He whispered. He could still feel the warmth from Severus's fingers, and the back of his neck was tingling.

'Harry?' His voice came from the doorway.

Harry turned to look at him.

'You're not going to tell me what you saw in the mirror are you?' Severus asked him, his black eyes boring into him.

Harry shook his head. 'No I'm not. Not tonight anyway.'

…

Harry had extreme difficulties getting to sleep that night. He tossed and turned for what felt like hours before he finally started to drift off… only to be woken by Severus screaming blue murder.

Harry jumped out of his bed and was out of his room in a flash. He stood outside the door to Severus's room in nothing more than his boxers and a thin T-shirt. He didn't know what to do, Severus had told him specifically (and reinforced it several times) that he was not to enter his room unless it was an emergency. What counted as an emergency?

Severus screamed again, and Harry gave up wondering and opened the door to his room. It seemed as if Severus was simply having a nightmare, although if this was the case Harry hoped he personally would never experience one this severe. He was thrashing violently in his sleep, tangled in his bed clothes, drenched with sweat.

'Severus?' Harry called loudly. 'SEVERUS!'

He didn't wake up.

'SEVERUS WAKE UP!' Harry screamed at him, but still he didn't wake. Harry approached the bed carefully as Severus was still thrashing and gently grabbed one of his hands. 'Wake up, it's a dream. It isn't real.' Harry said gently this time, and slowly Severus stopped thrashing until he was still, he eyes open but unseeing and he kept hold of Harry's hand in a vice like grip.

Harry knelt by the bed for a few moments. He reached his free hand out and smoothed Severus's hair back from his face, as he had done for him. Eventually the grip on his hand lessened but as soon as Harry tried to let go it would tighten again.

'Don't leave me.' Severus said in the smallest voice, so small that it barely resembled him. 'People always leave.'

'I won't leave you.' Harry said firmly. 'Not ever.' He climbed onto the bed (clambering over Severus in the process) and gathered him tight into his arms, holding him against his chest. 'It's safe now' He murmured. 'You can go back to sleep.'

As he felt Severus relax against him Harry briefly wondered just how much trouble he was going to be in the next morning, when Severus came back to himself. The thought left as quickly as it had come, and Harry drifted to sleep, more relaxed and happy than he had ever been.

**A/N- I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! I have a question for you all…. This is obviously getting closer and closer to serious snarry action, which I have never written before so I'm a little nervous about it… I also have no idea how much I can get away with so I would appreciate some advice please? Thanks!**


	12. A Trivial Excuse

**A/N- It's my birthday in one hour so please keep that in mind when you review this chapter! No flames for 25 hours please! Ok well this chapter totally went in a different direction to how I originally planned but I liked where it went so I let it stay. I hope you all like it too! Thank you all so very much for the lovely reviews of the last chapter it blew me away, I can only hope that you continue to enjoy reading this story as much as I am enjoying writing it.**

**Chapter 12- A Trivial E****xcuse**

Harry was having the most wonderful dream. He was in bed with Severus, holding him close to his body and running his hands across his chest, feeling his muscles flex and ripple under his hands, his skin soft and warm. Wait a second, he could actually feel soft skin under his fingers and there was definitely a warm body pressed up against him, right against him.

Oh god. Harry was awake enough now to remember what had happened the night before. And he was awake enough to realize that his rather large erection was currently pressed into Severus' back. Thankfully Severus wasn't awake to feel it; at least he hoped he wasn't awake.

Harry seriously considered getting out of the bed and going back to his room, before Snape could get up and yell at him, get weirded out and turn nasty again. But on the other hand when would he ever have the opportunity to lie this close to him again, and hold him in his arms? Nope he definitely wasn't getting out of bed. Besides he was still sleepy, so he simply ran his hands over Severus' chest one more time and then rolled away from him reluctantly so their backs and feet were still touching. Before long he was asleep again.

…

When Severus woke up, it was with that feeling of dread one has when one knows something very bad has happened but one can't remember what. Then he felt the warmth of the body touching him and the feet that were entwined gently with his own, and he remembered. Oh what had he done? Had he really asked Potter to stay with him? Begged him? Ughhh. Severus had never been angrier with himself than he was in that moment. What was worse was that he had never felt safer or warmer or calmer than the night before when Harry took him in his arms. It was enough to make him feel sick. What was even worse was that he really really did not want to get up, though he knew he should now he was in his right mind again. Instead he wanted to roll over and pull Harry into his arms and run his hands all over his body, and breathe in the scent of his hair… Severus felt himself harden abruptly at the thought, and it was this that made him get out of bed carefully (and quietly) so as not to wake Harry up. He couldn't face him in this condition.

He just stood by the bed for a few moments, looking down at Harry. He was beautiful. The more Severus looked at him the less he looked like James and the more he looked like Lily.

Lily.

Harry was Lily's son.

This thought brought reality crashing down around Severus and he fled from the bedroom as fast as he could.

…

When Harry woke for the second time he found himself alone in the bed, which was unbelievably disappointing. He waited for a few moments in case Severus came back but after a good ten minutes of waiting Harry concluded that he probably wasn't going to return. He wondered if he should also get up, and go back to his own room and pretend that this hadn't happened. The thought of this made him sad, there had been enough pretending already, and it had happened. What's more Severus had asked him to stay, he had practically begged him. So the man could bloody well suck it up and face him like an adult instead of running away!

With that thought Harry rolled onto Severus' side of the bed, snuggled into his pillow and breathed in his scent. He would wait here all day and night for him to return if he had to. He prayed fervently that Severus wasn't angry with him for coming into his room in the first place, and that he remembered what had happened the night before with the same clarity that Harry did.

…

Severus knew Harry was awake now. He stood on the balcony, wrapped tightly in his outer travelling cloak; he had absolutely no intention of going inside until he had sorted himself out. Severus had always been an extremely self sufficient and private person. It irked him that Lily still had a way of getting under his skin all these years later. Only now it was not Lily so much as her bloody annoying and infuriating son. If only he hadn't forgotten to put up silencing charms around his bedroom the previous night, or if only he hadn't had that stupid ridiculous nightmare then his screams would never have brought Harry into his room to find him. Only one dream in particular had that effect on Severus and while once upon a time it had been a frequent occurrence, he almost never had it now. Why did he have to have last night of all nights?

He felt furious with himself and more than a little angry at Harry as well, how many times had he told that annoying little twerp to stay out of his room?

He sighed and drew a hand across his face. He knew it really wasn't Harry's fault. He remembered full well asking Harry to stay with him; he had looked into Harry's eyes (Lily's eyes) and wanted nothing more in this world than to not be alone. Just for one night to have someone with him to block out the darkness, and Harry had accepted willingly.

He knew he couldn't block out his feelings any longer, there was obviously something there, and he had known that for far longer than this time they had shared together recently. What would Lily say? Would she be angry at him? Or would she be happy? Severus doubted strongly that she would be happy about it. He was well aware that he was a caustic, bitter old man, not fit for anybody- let alone the savior of the wizarding world and the son of his only love. And what if these feelings were more for Lily herself and not Harry?

Deep down he knew that wasn't the case. Harry meant far more to him than as an extension or replacement for his mother. He always had, despite what he had told Dumbledore. Throughout all this time he had grown to care for him deeply. He was the very best parts of both his parents (all the infuriating parts were definitely from James), but for all that he was still his own person, kind, caring, brave, stubborn, and passionate.

Severus shook his head. This was irrelevant as he doubted that his feelings were returned. Harry was always given to playing the hero. He assumed that that's what this had been, and nothing more. And if it was more, if Harry did return his feelings, well he was simply too old for him, and not good for anyone anymore anyway. He was too old to try and have a relationship now, especially with a man half his age.

He straightened his shoulders and smoothed down his robes and returned to the sitting room. This would be down played, and they would move on as before, and his feelings would remain where they were best kept- hidden.

…

Harry was just wondering if Severus had left altogether when he heard his voice coming from the sitting room.

'Harry I know you're not asleep anymore so get out here now please.'

Harry sighed. This wasn't at all like how he had hoped things would go this morning. He pulled back the covers and got out of bed, slowly padding in his boxers, t-shirt, and bare feet into the sitting room.

Severus was standing awkwardly in the middle of the sitting room dressed in his travelling robes.

'Going somewhere?' Harry asked in surprise.

'What?' Severus asked confused.

'Your robes?' Harry gestured up and down.

'I was out on the balcony getting some fresh air and it was cold.' He snapped, narrowing his eyes at him.

Great, Harry thought. It seemed as if Severus most certainly was freaked out and indeed had reverted to form. 'You know I was much more comfortable where I was.' He said wearily. Snape just didn't intimidate him anymore, no matter how hard he tried. Too much had passed between them now. 'You could have just come back in and talked to me there?' He added.

Severus narrowed his eyes at him even further. 'No I could not.'

Harry just looked at him for a moment. 'Why are you angry at me?' He asked softly.

'I'm not angry with you actually, although I am angry.' Severus said, his tone softer. 'I wish you hadn't come into my room last night Harry. There are reasons I asked you not to, good reasons.' Severus said seriously.

'I understand that.' Harry said. 'But when someone I care about is screaming at the top of their lungs I'm not going to just sit still and do nothing.'

Severus' heart skipped a beat. 'As to that, I apologise. It certainly was not my intention to wake you, or to put you in that position.'

'I had no problems with it Severus. And I would do it again.'

'I'm asking you not to.' Severus said firmly. 'There must still be some boundaries between us.'

'Why?' Harry asked crossing his arms. 'Didn't you enjoy it? After all we've been though do you really think we shouldn't do something we enjoy for once?'

'Of course I enjoyed it you idiot, that's not the point!' Severus snapped.

'Then what is the point?'

Severus sighed. He much preferred it when Harry had simply done as he suggested. This new argumentative Harry who made perfect sense was much harder to deal with. 'The point is that I'm your professor, your current guardian, and way too old for you to be snuggling up to!'

'That's a really trivial excuse Severus.' Harry said.

'Trivial or not, it's how I feel so please respect it.' Severus said sharply. 'Now excuse me as I have classes to teach and annoying Gryffindors to take points from!' With that he swept from the room in the direction of the bathroom. 'And make sure my bed is made before I come home!' He yelled, slamming the bathroom door.

Harry would have laughed at this small temper tantrum if he hadn't been so irritated. He went back to Severus's room and gave a flick of his wand, straightening the sheets immediately. He then went back to his own room and got into bed, waiting until Severus was out of the bathroom and their quarter's altogether before he got up and took a shower himself.

Harry took a very long shower, enjoying the feeling of the water pounding over his back. He found Severus's reaction unbelievably irritating and he was fairly angry at the man for it, but at the same time he felt a warmth and tingling excitement deep inside, Severus had all but admitted that he had feelings for him.

As he dried himself off and dressed in muggle clothes (for some reason he didn't want to wear his school robes) he wondered why he felt so different. Nothing had changed, nothing was different really, but yet something was different.

All of a sudden he realized that he really didn't want to be stuck in these quarters alone for a moment more. Fuck resting, he felt rested enough already and he felt more alive and sure of himself than he had in years. He had no desire to sit at home and wait for a possibly irate Severus to return.

What he wanted was to see Ron and Hermione. He missed them, and somewhere in all this mess he had lost sight of the fact that they went through all this together. He shouldn't be ashamed to face them now, they deserved better.

He hurried to the sitting room and began sorting through all his books and notes that were laying on a side table. Eventually he found what he was looking for, and pulled his class timetable out from between the pages of his charms book. Looking at it carefully Harry was elated to find that Ron and Hermione currently both had the rest of the day off. With any luck they would be in the common room.

He then realized that he had never entered or exited these quarters before without using the balcony entrance (which he was expressly forbidden to do without permission), and while he distinctly remembered Severus say that he wasn't a prisoner he really wasn't sure what his reaction would be if he came home to find him missing.

He hastily scribbled a note to Severus explaining where he had gone and left it on top of his notes and books. Hopefully he would see it there. With that he fetched his invisibility cloak from his room (thankful to Ron for including it with his things) and headed out the internal door closing it gently behind him.

What he didn't realize was that the door to their quarters (he wasn't sure exactly when it stopped being Severus' quarters and started being theirs) opened right out into Severus' office. It was empty.

'That could have been extremely awkward.' He muttered as he covered himself with his invisibility cloak and hurried out the door. He managed to make it to the Gryffindor common room without any major dramas, especially because it was currently class time so the corridors were fairly empty. Thankfully the password hadn't been changed in his absence and so the Fat Lady let him in with no comment (just a raised eyebrow).

Ron and Hermione and Neville were seated by fire. Hermione and Neville were obviously studying while Ron was just staring off into space. Harry felt his face stretch into a grin at the sight of them and abruptly pulled off his cloak.

'Harry!' Ron exclaimed as he jumped out of his seat and rushed towards him. 'Blimey it's good to see you!'

'It's good to see you too.' Harry grinned, before Hermione threw herself into his arms.

'Oh Harry I've missed you' She said softly.

'I've missed you too. I'm sorry.' He said.

Hermione pulled back from him. 'Why are you sorry?'

Harry took a deep breath. 'I'm sorry I've been selfish. I'm not the only one who has problems, and I shouldn't have shut you out. We've always been in everything together and that shouldn't change now just because I've had a meltdown.'

'It's ok Harry.' Hermione said.

'Its good to have you back Harry.' Neville said fervently.

'Thanks Neville. Although I'm not back, just visiting.'

'Snape let you out for a visit?' Ron was incredulous. 'When we spoke to him it seemed like he was going to keep you locked in there forever.'

'Well, he didn't actually let me, but he did say I wasn't a prisoner so I kind of just left. I left him a note though.' Harry said. 'I take it you've told people where I am then?' He added.

'Only the important ones.' Hermione said. 'We've told Neville, Ginny and Luna. That's all.' She said her face reddening slightly.

'That's fine, I don't really mind who knows to be honest.' Harry said, smiling slightly.

'That's good.' Ron said.

'You're brave Harry.' Neville said. 'I can't imagine anything worse than being under the guardianship of Professor Snape.' He shuddered.

'Neville you've faced more danger than most people in this school, and you've personally destroyed a Horcrux, you can't seriously still be afraid of Severus Snape!' Harry laughed.

Neville turned to Ron. 'Ron you still afraid of spiders?'

Ron made a face 'Yes.'

Neville turned back to Harry 'See? We know our fears are irrational but that doesn't take them away. I'll always be afraid of him; just now I've learned to manage it!' He said with a smirk.

'Fair enough.' Harry said. He paused. 'He's really not what we thought he was you know? I mean he's not what he seems to be. I think most of that's an act, a defense mechanism.'

'Yeah, I get it.' Neville said. 'It doesn't mean I have to like him though.'

'Look can we not talk about me or Snape or the war or anything? I just miss you all, I miss being normal, and just hanging out.' Harry said.

'So you're still insane then?' Ron asked with a smirk.

'RON' Hermione smacked him across the back of his head. 'Have you ever heard of tact?'

'Nope' he replied, as he rubbed his head.

Harry just laughed again. It felt so good to laugh, he loved the time he spent with Severus but the man was so serious, it felt good to be able to laugh again. 'Ron, I'm fairly certain I was never insane.' He left out that he'd only come to this conclusion recently and that for a long time he had thought he had been.

'No shit.' Ron said, still rubbing his head. 'We all knew that. That really hurt Hermione.' He added.

'Thanks Ron. But yeah I'm still not allowed to come back to classes until I'm given the all clear by my counselor, and who knows when that will be.' Harry said.

'Is the counseling working Harry?' Hermione asked gently.

'Not really, but I told Snape about why we went to the third floor corridor that night, and he said that we should keep doing that sort of stuff if it helps. He said we can't keep breaking curfew though, and that he will organize for us to go to the chamber of secrets sometime soon if that's what we want. You know to take the next step? To go to the next place we faced him? I mean it can't hurt right?' Harry said with a shrug.

'Wow he said that?' Hermione asked.

'Yeah.'

Ron snorted. 'I like the way that he makes it seem as though we need him to get in though. I mean it's not like anyone except Harry can open the door.'

'Uh, didn't you open the door Ron?' Harry asked.

'Ok so only you and me then.' Ron said.

Harry shook his head. 'Whatever you say Ron.'

'I think the important thing here is not who can or can't open the door.' Hermione said coolly. 'It's very good of Professor Snape to help us with this, and it would be nice to do something without breaking any school rules for once.'

Ron looked at Harry. 'It's like she's learnt nothing during the whole seven years isn't it?'

Harry burst out laughing. It was so good to see his friends again, but in the back of his mind he was wondering what Severus was doing at that moment, and if he was thinking about him.

…

Severus was fairly apprehensive about going back to their quarters and facing Harry that evening. He postponed for as long as possible, waiting until well after dinner before he returned.

He expected Harry to be in the sitting room, studying or reading, or even in his room sleeping but after he walked though their rooms he quickly discovered that Harry wasn't there.

He couldn't help the panicky feeling that crept up inside him. It was most likely that Harry had simply got tired of being alone and had gone in search of some company. Severus doubted that though after his reaction when he mentioned his friends wanting to visit. So then had he just left? Did he not want to stay here anymore? Had he gone to Professor McGonagall?

But if he had then surely Minerva would have mentioned something during dinner?

He was suddenly terrified that the morning's incident had scared Harry away, what if he never came back? What if he was hurt? Had he messed things up that badly?

Severus stood in the living room and waited, he would wait all night for Harry if he had to.

In his worry, he didn't notice the note sitting on the side table.

…

It was late when Harry left the common room. He knew he would be pushing it to make it back before curfew but he ran most of the way and made it to Severus' office door with ten minutes to spare. He was out of breath when he entered their quarters. He suspected that Severus would be waiting for him, and he felt a little guilty for not being back sooner but he had enjoyed the time with his friends so much.

What he hadn't expected was to find Severus white faced and irate and pacing up and down the sitting room waiting for him.

'Where the hell have you been?' He yelled, sweeping across the room in half a second and grabbing him by his shoulders and shaking him hard. 'Do you have any idea how worried I was?'

Harry just looked at him confused. 'I don't understand, I went to see Ron and Hermione. I left a note Severus. You didn't find it?' The grip Severus had on his shoulders was starting to hurt. 'You're hurting me.' He said softly.

Severus let go of him, and took a few steps back. 'I didn't see a note.' He said sharply. 'Where did you leave it?'

Harry gestured to when his note lay on the side table on top of his papers and books.

'Might I suggest a better location next time.' Severus said strongly. 'Damn it Harry, you can't just leave like that. I thought you'd… I mean I was, you just can't take off like that okay?'

'Severus, you said I wasn't a prisoner. I'm 18 years old and I was back before curfew.' Harry said reasonably. 'I left a note.' He paused, but Severus didn't say anything. 'I didn't really expect you to react like this.'

'You should have.' Severus said. 'You should have expected it.'

'Why?' Harry asked taking a step closer to him. 'Because of last night? Because of this morning?' His heart was pounding in his chest, his green eyes boring into Severus' dark ones.

'Yes.' Severus said slowly, not looking away.

There was silence as the two of them just looked at each other.

Harry nodded. 'Just do it Severus, I'm right here. It's going to be okay.'

Severus never wanted to look away from those green eyes again, he forgot all his excuses and closing the distance between them in two small steps he took Harry into his arms and kissed him.

**A/N- Hope you liked it! I think there are a few holes in this chapter… which is usually what happens when I let it run away from me… I promise I'll patch them up later. **


	13. Don't Think

**A/N- So I have to say that I have learned a valuable lesson. Never give your readers what you think they want because once you do you'll find that it wasn't what they wanted at all. Having learned that valuable lesson I approached this chapter as if no one would read it except myself- Having said that I do actually hope that you all enjoy it! Review if you wish, I appreciate all reviews no matter how long or short, nice or nasty they are. Thank you for each and every one. **

**Chapter 13- Don't think.**

Severus pulled Harry closer to him, running his hands through his hair and gathering it by the fistful. Their lips met and parted and met again as their tongues locked together and tasted and caressed. Their bodies clung to each other in desperation as if letting go would mean the end of the world. Harry had never been so hard in his life and he pressed against Severus and ran his hands over his shoulders, down his back and over his bottom, pulling him closer so their erections were pressed against each other.

In one quick movement Severus picked up Harry and swiftly carried him to his bedroom where he laid him gently out on the bed. He took a few moments to just look at him before lowering himself on top of him and running one finger along the side of Harry's face.

'Have you ever done this before?' He asked softly.

Harry shook his head slowly. 'Not with a man.' He paused. 'Have you?' he asked rising up to kiss Severus slowly.

Severus gently pulled away, cupping Harry's face in his hands. 'Not with a man.' He echoed.

'I imagine it's much the same.' Harry murmured, as he pulled Severus closer longing to feel his weight on top of him.

'I imagine it is.' Severus said lowering his lips to Harry's neck and teasing his collar bone. He then sat up abruptly and pulled at Harry's shirt lifting it over his head, before removing his own outer robe and the shirt he was wearing underneath.

Harry gazed up at him with wide eyes and he reached out to stroke Severus's bare chest as he removed his shirt. His eyes grew wider as Severus stood quickly and removed his trousers and underwear leaving him naked, he then reached down and removed Harry's just as quickly. He stood over him for a few moments then gently lay on top of him, and ran his hand down Harry's side caressing his bare skin.

'You are so beautiful.' Severus said softly.

Harry was lost for words. He would have liked to return the compliment but he didn't think he could speak, besides Severus wasn't beautiful, he was pale, had several scars littering his body, he was strong and he was striking. Harry would have told him all that instead, if only he could speak. Instead he reached down and lightly stroked the front of Severus' thighs from just above his knees up to his waist.

Severus gasped. 'Harry are you sure you want to do this? Because soon I'll be past the point of asking you that.'

Harry smiled and reached his hand between Severus' legs stroking him gently. 'Of course I want to. Don't think Severus, just let it happen.'

And Severus did. He let himself be carried away to a place he'd long forgotten about, he gave himself to Harry completely and when they finally came in a trembling exhausted heap it was together.

Afterwards Harry got embarrassed for a few moments and drew the bed clothes up to his chin, but Severus just laughed at him and pulled them down again, running his hands over his chest.

'There's no point in being embarrassed now Harry.' He said teasingly. 'I've just seen, touched, and kissed every single inch of you.'

Harry just looked at him and smiled. 'It was just this afternoon when I thought how wonderful it would be to make you laugh, and here you are laughing at me. I like your laugh; you should do it more often.'

Severus scoffed. 'And ruin my image? I don't think so.'

'I think that's mostly ruined already anyway.' Harry said gently reaching up and touching his face. 'Severus?'

'Mmmm?'

'That night, the night you found me, I did this didn't I?' Harry asked nervously.

'Did what?'

'I touched your face didn't I? I don't really remember much in detail, but I remember that. I was in your arms and I reached up and touched your face.'

Severus just looked at him. 'Yes Harry you did.'

'I think that's really why I didn't want to stay here you know. I thought you might have guessed what it meant, and I didn't want to have to face you again after you had seen me like that.' Harry said softly.

'You needn't have felt that way. You have no idea how terrified I was for you that night.' Severus said. 'I promised myself that I wouldn't let that happen ever again, and that I would watch you every second that I could.'

'Is that why you sat by my bedside so much?'

'Yes.'

'Thank you.'

'You're welcome.'

Harry sighed. 'You're always saving me.'

'I hope I never have to again.' Severus said firmly.

Harry just nodded, and lifting Severus' arm out of the way and snuggled in close to his side, resting his head on his chest. 'Maybe one day I'll get to rescue you.'

You already have, Severus thought. But he didn't say it. 'I sincerely hope not.' He said instead.

Harry ran his hand over Severus' stomach making small figure eights with his finger tips. 'Maybe we'll both be safe now, and we can be happy.'

'Being safe doesn't exactly equal happy you know.' Severus said. 'That's a very naive way of viewing the world.'

'I know.' Harry said, moving his hand lower and enjoying the effect that was having on Severus. 'But I think its time I believed in it whether it's naive or not. I feel safe and happy right now in this moment, and that has everything to do with you. I'm choosing to believe that now I am safe, I will continue to be happy, and so will you. That we will be happy together.'

Severus had extremely contradicting feelings to that statement. In fact he really had no idea how to respond to it. He pushed his feelings aside and instead picked up Harry's wandering hand in his own and bought it to his lips kissing the back of it gently. 'You're very distracting Harry.' He said softly.

'I like the effect I have on you.' Harry said with a smirk.

'I do too.' Severus said rubbing his hand over Harry's, feeling the rough texture of the scar he had there. 'Will you tell me about this?' He asked gently. 'Is it a relic from Umbridge's reign?'

Harry snatched his hand out of Severus' and tucked it away under the bedclothes. 'That's an interesting way of putting it.' He said shortly. 'Yes it is.'

'I must not tell lies.' Severus said softly. 'I suppose simply the act of having to write those words would have been punishment enough, let alone being forced to write them with a blood quill..'

Harry stayed silent.

'Just how many detentions did you serve with her to get a scar that bad Harry?' He asked nudging Harry in the ribs slightly.

Harry sighed. 'A lot Severus, okay are you happy? I was in detention with her for most of the year. She bloody well should have had me write I will not lose my temper instead, as that's really what the whole thing was about. Telling me to not tell lies was bloody pointless because it just made me angry and more determined to not tell lies. Hence all the detentions.'

'No doubt that was her point. It was all a game you realise?' Severus said. 'Surely you weren't unaware of that?'

'No I wasn't unaware of it but at the time it was irrelevant. It didn't change the fact that she was constantly able to get a reaction out of me.' Harry said. 'It was basically torture you know?'

'I realise that.'

'Aren't there rules against that? How come she wasn't stopped?' Harry asked, his voice cracking slightly.

'Did you tell anyone?' Severus asked gently.

Harry shook his head slightly.

'I didn't think so. We were aware of it of course, but without any one of the students coming to complain there wasn't much we could do. Besides if you remember the so called rules were constantly changed that year.' He paused for a moment. 'She would have made a good Death Eater.' He added darkly.

'Someone once told me that the world isn't split into good people and death eaters.' Harry said. 'It would have been simpler if they were.'

'Life isn't simple though is it?'

'No its not.'

'I'm sorry Harry. I'm sorry she got away with doing that, and that you have to wear that scar as a constant reminder.' Severus said softly, and kissed the top of Harry's head.

Harry's heart fluttered. 'Of all the things from that year you choose to apologise from and you pick the one that had nothing to do with you. Typical.' Harry said smiling into Severus' chest. 'We both saw the worst sides of each other that year, perhaps it would be best if we didn't take that trip down memory lane. I don't want us to end up hating each other again.' He said, and wriggled further into Severus's side, caressing his upper thigh.

Severus rolled onto his side to face Harry. 'I think that happening now is most unlikely.' He said drily. 'You wriggling into me like that is quite the turn on you know.'

Harry grinned 'I know, I can tell.'

'Well are you planning on doing anything about it, or was it just your intention to tease me?'

'Well I do enjoy teasing you…' Harry trailed off, as Severus gently pulled him to lie on top of him and kissed him passionately.

'No more teasing.' Severus murmured into Harry's lips.

…

Harry woke up some time later, his heart pounding and sweating all over. He had definitely woken from a nightmare; that much he could tell but as to the details of the dream he couldn't remember a thing. He sat upright in the bed and took some deep breaths.

'Are you alright?'

Harry glanced over at Severus, he was lying on his side facing him, his dark eyes fixed on Harry's face.

'Did I wake you?' Harry asked.

'You screamed, sat bolt upright and pulled the covers off me. Of course you woke me.' Severus said. 'Are you alright?'

Harry nodded. 'Yes. It was just a nightmare.'

'Do you want to talk about it?'

'Not really. I can't remember it actually.' Harry said, taking another deep breath.

'You're still afraid though.' Severus noted. 'Come here, you'll catch a cold if you're not careful.' He held his arms open and Harry snuggled into them as Severus wrapped the bedclothes over them both.

'I thought I was done having nightmares.' Harry said after a moment.

Severus sighed. 'The sooner you realise you aren't going to heal overnight the sooner you will actually start to get better you know.'

Harry didn't say anything. He felt cold and he pressed himself closer to Severus.

'Do you still want to go down to the Chamber of Secrets?' Severus asked.

'Yes. I told Ron and Hermione you would take us.'

'Very well. We can go tomorrow evening after supper. I'll let Minerva know our plans and I'll inform Mr. Weasley and Ms Granger.'

Harry looked up at Severus. 'Can you not call them Mr Weasley and Ms Granger? Their names are Ron and Hermione. Hearing you call them that while I'm naked and pressed up against you is kind of weird.'

'I imagine it is.' Severus said. 'I think its best if we keep away from this conversation for the meantime.' To be honest he never wanted to have THAT conversation with Harry at all, but he knew it was going to happen sooner or later. He just hoped it was later as the thought of it made him feel sick. 'We can discuss our outing to the Chamber of Secrets further in the morning. Now go back to sleep.' He said, running his hands through Harry's hair.

'Okay.' Harry said quietly. 'Can I ask you something?'

'Yes.'

'How do you cope with it all? What do you do so that you can get though the days? It must be hard for you having served Voldemort for so long, you must have witnessed some awful things. Do you talk about it?' Harry asked.

'Harry my coping mechanisms are frankly none of your business. I'm only going to say this once. I do not talk about it, I never have and I never will. Don't ask me about it again.' Severus said firmly and such was his tone that Harry instantly pulled back from him.

'I'm sorry.' He said quickly.

'Don't be sorry, just don't ask me again.' Severus said calmly, pulling Harry close and rubbing his hand along the small of his back. 'Now go to sleep. Some of us have classes to teach in the morning.'

Harry fell back to sleep quickly, but he dreams remained dark that night. Severus remained awake; his thoughts were on memories best left buried.

**A/N- So if want an unedited version of this chapter i.e.- if you want the smut then let me know and I'll post it somewhere- suggestions are welcome!**


	14. Fear

**A/N- Ok so I know it's been awhile and I ****apologise**** for that. - I've had a very very busy time the last few weeks, but I plan to get back on track from here and go back to updating weekly. I hope you enjoy this chapter; once again it ran away from me and ended up going in a completely different direction than what I thought it would- but I really love where it ended up. **

Chapter 14 – Fear

When Harry woke the next morning he found himself alone in a cold bed. He clearly had been so deeply asleep he hadn't even noticed when Severus had got up and left for the day. He felt a strange sense of concern creep over him; as if last night had been just a dream and this morning he would find out that nothing had changed between them at all. He rolled over onto Severus' side of the bed running his hands over the mattress, and his fingers came upon a piece of parchment. Harry sat up in bed quickly and looked at it.

Harry,

Despite our lack of sleep last night I got up early this morning and spoke to Professor McGonagall. She would prefer us to visit the Chamber of Secrets in the evening after curfew as she doesn't want the other students to get all nosy. I will collect Ron and Hermione (happy now?) from the Gryffindor common room at 10 past nine this evening and then will collect you at a quarter past nine. Be ready to go and waiting for me in my office.

I expect you to keep last night's encounter to yourself. I'm sure I don't need to explain why, but please remember that outside the confines of our quarters I am your professor and you need to treat me as such.

Severus

Harry really didn't know what to make of this note. He felt somewhat insulted that Severus felt the need to tell him to keep quiet about their relationship, if that's even what you would call it. For all Harry knew it was a one-time thing, never to be repeated again. If that was all it was then Harry would accept it but the thought of that made him feel rather used. He knew he wanted more but did Severus? From the tone of the note he didn't think so. At any rate he didn't need to be reminded to keep quiet about it. This may be the wizarding world and not the muggle one but Harry felt sure that a student/teacher relationship would cause just as big a stir among wizards as muggles, throw in the fact that they were both men and he was sure the news would hit the front page. Harry had no intention of telling anyone, not even Ron and Hermione. Not yet anyway.

He read the note again. Severus had called Ron and Hermione by their first names so that was something. And he had referred to his quarters as their quarters, but that could mean anything. At the moment they were sharing them so it could simply mean that and nothing else.

He shook himself, what was wrong with him? He was behaving like a 14 year old girl for crying out loud! He felt ridiculous, and so instead of continuing to over analyze the situation he rolled over and went back to sleep, still clutching the note in his hand.

When he woke up it was past lunchtime. After a long shower and a healthy amount of sandwiches (kindly delivered by house elves) he found himself once again on the balcony breathing in the fresh air. Despite the freezing temperature he felt more comfortable outside than he did inside. He conjured himself a comfortable chair to sit in and wrapped himself in a thick blanket before settling down to read. He had found a very interesting book in one of Severus' bookshelves- 'Dark Arts through the ages: Uses and Defense' and fully intended on reading it cover to cover. He was getting tired of this monotony, he wanted to go back to his dormitory, he wanted to finish school, and he wanted to start living. Having said that he really didn't want to leave these quarters insomuch as he didn't want to leave Severus, and he didn't want to have Professor Snape in his place. He was ambivalent, and he really hated the feeling.

Determined to ignore it he opened the book and began to read, occasionally making notes on whatever he found interesting. This turned out to be quite a lot.

…

Harry was waiting in Severus' office as instructed at a quarter past nine. He had barely brushed his hair and his cheeks were reddened from the wind and the cold air, he also had a smear of ink on his cheek from the notes he had made. He had found the book fascinating, and had made several pages of notes even though he had barely read half of it. He planned to read the rest the next day and finish making notes before showing them to Severus.

'Hey Harry.' Hermione said brightly as she entered the office. 'Um you have ink on your cheek… what have you been doing?'

'Studying.' Harry said in return, giving her a quick hug, and wiping his cheek (unsuccessfully). 'What else am I supposed to do?'

'Sleep?' Ron asked. 'Just a suggestion.'

'Well I slept in till past lunchtime and then studied this afternoon. Such is my life at the moment.' Harry said.

'My heart bleeds for you Potter.' Severus said sarcastically, entering his office behind Ron and Hermione. 'Nice to see you're on time for once.'

'I'm always on time.' Harry said evenly, looking Severus in the eye and feeling his heart skip a beat.

Severus looked back at him, taking in the mussed hair, red cheeks, and ink smears, and felt the stirrings of desire. When he thought of their encounter the previous evening he couldn't help smirking a little. 'Shall we go?' He asked

Harry nodded, his cheeks reddening further.

Before long they were standing in Moaning Myrtles bathroom.

'Do you want to do the honors or should I?' Harry asked Ron

'I think you can take it from here, besides I doubt I'd remember it now.' Ron said with a grin.

'Fine then.' Harry smirked and promptly hissed 'open up' in parseltongue.

'Who first?' Harry asked.

'Does it really matter Potter?' Snape sighed exasperated. 'It's a miracle you three ever succeeded in doing anything the rate you get on.'

'Fine then - you can go first.' Harry said.

'I'm not going at all.' Severus said and conjured himself an armchair. 'I'm going to wait right here for your return. This is clearly something that you three need to do alone.'

Harry almost felt relieved to hear that. 'Thank you Professor Snape.' He said (trying to ignore how odd that had sounded) and jumped into the pipe flying at top speed until he came out into the passage leading to the chamber. Ron and Hermione followed shortly after.

'That was wicked.' Ron said. 'Like seriously wicked.'

'Didn't you just do this last year Ron?' Harry asked raising his eyebrows at him.

'Well yeah but it's a lot different when you're not afraid of what you're going to find ahead, or of the fact that there's a raging war going on behind you.'

'Fair point.' Harry conceded.

'Personally I found it a little too fast for my liking.' Hermione said looking a little green.

'You alright Hermione?' Ron asked rubbing her back in small circles.

'I'm fine, let's just get a move on shall we?' Hermione said seriously, continuing down the passage way.

'What's her problem?' Ron whispered to Harry who shrugged.

'Just remember why we're here Ron.' Hermione said softly.

That comment was enough to sober the both of them.

Harry stopped. 'I wonder how Lockhart's doing? It was here that he lost his memory.'

'I dunno.' Ron said. 'But I spent a good amount of time feeling guilty over that, and now I've let it go. After all he cast the bloody spell.'

'He's probably better off now anyway.' Harry said

Hermione looked sharply at him. 'No one is better off without their memory Harry, even if they were a shallow cowardly person to begin with.'

It was only then that Harry remembered that Hermione had modified her parents' memories so they would forget she existed. He hadn't even asked her about it since the end of the war. 'Hermione I'm sorry.' He said.

'I don't want to talk about it.' She said firmly.

Harry opened his mouth to reply when he saw Ron shaking his head furiously at him, and he closed it again and continued on silently.

They soon came to the two doors emblazoned with snakes. Harry opened them with a hiss and they entered the Chamber of Secrets.

Ron and Hermione had visited the Chamber only the year before. For Harry it had been several years since he had been there, and the sight of it took his breath away. The basilisk skeleton was still in the middle of the chamber, missing several fangs. The statue of Salazar Slytherin was equally impressive as it stood floor to ceiling in front of them. Harry walked to the foot of it and sat on the ground abruptly, running his hands along the floor.

'This is where I found Ginny.' He said quietly.

Ron and Hermione sat down on either side of him. Hermione took his hand in hers. 'Tell us about it Harry.'

'At first I thought she was dead. She was so still. And then I saw Tom, and he had my wand and he wouldn't give it back to me. He told me she wouldn't wake up.' Harry shook his head. 'I was so stupid. So stupid. I didn't even realize who I was dealing with until he spelled it out for me, and that's when I got really scared. I mean it was so obvious, who else would have done something like that. If I had just thought about it earlier I could have prevented it from happening.'

'Harry you're talking about thinking like an adult not like a child. You were only twelve for crying out loud. It took us the best part of a year to work out what was happening, and we had no help and no advice from anyone. Most of the teachers didn't even believe the chamber existed.' Hermione said.

Harry shrugged his shoulders. 'I could have done more.' He paused for a moment. 'I remember when he called the basilisk that was when I got really afraid, and I remember thinking that this was what true fear felt like. I'd forgotten.'

'What do you mean? How can you forget?' Hermione asked.

'When I faced Voldemort in my first year I felt a fear that I had never known before. I recognize it now as a valid fear for my life, I actually thought I was going to die, but the memory of that feeling fades fast. I'd forgotten what it felt like by the time I stood here in this chamber. Knowing that a basilisk which would kill me simply by looking at me was going to appear any second was more than enough to bring the feeling back, and I remembered thinking that this was what fear really felt like. That everything I thought I remembered about facing Voldemort in first year wasn't true.' Harry took a deep breath. 'I'm sure that doesn't really make much sense, but it's such a clear memory for me. Isn't it funny the things we remember? I think I ended up being more afraid of that feeling, the feeling of fear itself than of the danger I was facing. Is that strange?'

'Everyone reacts differently in life or death situations.' Hermione said.

'Everyone remembers things differently too.' Ron added. 'Do you think that's why Dementor's have such a strong effect on you?'

'Probably.' Harry admitted. 'I never really considered that before now, but that makes sense. It explains why the Boggart turned into a Dementor that time.'

'Harry?' Hermione asked tentatively.

'Yeah?' He asked looking at her.

'Did that feeling ever go away? That feeling of true fear?' She asked.

'No not really, and yes in the end. It's complicated.' He said.

'Explain it to us.' Ron said. 'That's why we're here isn't it? To make sense of all this?'

'It was never as strong as it was when I stood here. Or maybe it was that I didn't think of it at any other time, I don't know. That night in the graveyard when Voldemort came back I know I felt it, but I think that might have been the last time it was like that. After that all the anger and hate I felt got in the way of it. It was like I stopped being afraid for my own life and focused on being afraid for everyone else's, and I was so angry.' Harry paused for a moment. 'Is that wrong?'

'Is what wrong?' Hermione asked.

'The fact that the fear I felt for my own life was stronger and more terrifying than the fear I felt for my friends. It seems wrong to me.'

'I don't think it's wrong Harry, I think it's natural. And from what you've described I don't think what you were feeling was stronger or more real- just different. We feel things differently in different situations that's all.' Hermione said.

'Harry this might be pushing it a bit but how did you feel when you thought you were walking to your death? Didn't you feel afraid?' Ron asked.

'I think if I'd been alone then I might have, or I might not have had the strength to go through with it. I don't know, I remember feeling sad mostly at all the things I would miss, but also maybe relieved? Because it was soon going to be over and I knew for certain what Dumbledore wanted me to do. It made it easier, having the choice taken out of my hands like that. It made it easier to not feel that fear.' Harry said slowly.

They sat in silence for a few moments.

"Tell me about your time in here.' Harry said. 'This isn't just about me.'

'To be honest there isn't much to tell.' Ron said. 'We were so desperate to get in that we barely stopped to think about where we were or what we were doing. It was crazy and I remember being terrified about losing Hermione. That I'd turn back to look for her and she'd be gone.'

'You mean dead.' Harry said flatly.

'Yeah.'

'But I wasn't dead, I was always with you.' Hermione said. 'I remember being so proud of you when you got us inside here, and then almost as quickly we were out. I didn't really have time to take in where I was.'

'Did the Horcrux inside the cup put up a fight?' Harry asked.

Hermione shrugged. 'I really didn't give it much time to put up a fight. I pulled it out and drove the fang into it all within a few seconds. I suppose if I had hesitated then it might have, but I didn't want to take that chance.'

Once again they fell into silence.

'This place is evil.' Harry said after a time. 'It should be destroyed. I don't understand why it hasn't been yet.'

'Probably because you're the only one who can get in here.' Ron said. 'No one even knew for sure that it existed to start with, and even once people were sure no one knew where it was or how to get in. It makes it kinda hard to destroy.'

'We should destroy it. If I'm the only one that can get in then I should be the one to get rid of it.' Harry said.

'How do you plan on doing that Harry?' Hermione asked.

'I don't know, but I'm going to speak to Professor McGonagall about it as soon as I can go back to classes.' Harry stood up and brushed off his jeans. 'Let's get out of here. I think we've got about as much from this place as we ever will.'

Ron and Hermione stood, and the three of them slowly made their way out of the chamber without looking back.

'Is there anywhere else you want to go Harry?' Hermione asked carefully. 'Can we put it all behind us now?'

Harry looked at her. 'I think I've dragged the two of you through enough with me don't you? It's time to put it behind you and be happy with each other, it's time for you to live your lives.'

'And what about you mate?' Ron asked.

'I only have one more place to go I think, there are more answers I need.' Harry said.

'But we can't give them to you can we?' Hermione asked.

'No, I don't think you can. I need to go back to the shrieking shack, and I need to go with Severus.'

…

By the time they had got back to their quarters Harry had fallen completely silent. To their credit neither Ron nor Hermione had commented at all on Harry's use of Snape's first name. This was just as well really as Harry had no desire to lie to them and most probably would have told them everything if he had been prodded. He had no idea what exactly he had with Severus but he knew for sure it would be ruined instantly if he betrayed the man's trust. After they returned from dropping Ron and Hermione at the Gryffindor common room, Severus had quickly said good night to Harry, brushing his hand across his shoulder as he did so. He did not invite him to stay the night with him.

Harry sat in the armchair in front of the dwindling fire. He was unsure of his feelings and completely unsure of Severus's, it was bizarre to think of the conversation he had about fear with Ron and Hermione that evening. Here he was sitting in front of the fire because he was avoiding talking to Severus because he was afraid of what he might say. He shook his head at himself, after all he had faced in his life this was nothing, and yet it was everything.

He stood up quickly and walked to Severus' room. The door was closed. Harry put his hand on the door knob but then quickly let it go. If Severus had wanted him he would have said so wouldn't he? So last night must have been a one off, a mistake.

He was just about to walk to his own room and try and forget the whole thing had happened when Severus called to him from behind his closed door.

'Harry hurry up and make a decision. Either go to sleep in your bed alone or stop blathering about and get in here.' He snapped.

Harry smiled to himself and opened the door, he pulled off his outer clothes and wearing only his boxer shorts got under the covers snuggling into Severus. 'You could have left the door open for me.' He said crankily.

'Where's the fun in that?' Severus replied kissing the top of Harry's head. 'You really are adorable with ink smears on your face you know.'

'Shut up and go to sleep.' Harry said poking him in the ribs.

Severus cupped Harry's face in his hands. 'Do you want to talk about it?' He asked softly.

Harry shook his head. 'Not really. Not tonight anyway. But some day I will.'

'Then I'll be there to listen.' Severus said, pulling him even closer.

Harry hoped fervently that was true.


	15. Not Alone Anymore

**A/N- Okay so I've had lots of requests for smut. I've never written smut before (although I love reading it). So please be kind and remember that when you read this chapter. Please tell me what you think, good or bad because your reviews of this chapter will determine if I write any more (any more smut that is- no matter what you say I'll still write more chapters).**

**I also realised I've never put a disclaimer on this story- I obviously do not own Harry Potter or any other character relating to the Harry Potter stories. I just didn't want Snape to die… consider this true for every chapter that precedes this one or follows it. **

Chapter 15- Not Alone Anymore

Harry sat comfortably by the fire in the Gryffindor common room with Ron and Hermione. It was after dinner but they still had an hour left till curfew, and were happily playing chess (Ron was trouncing them). Harry had once again left without actually telling Severus where he was going but unlike last time he didn't just leave a note. He had put up several charms designed to inform Severus of his whereabouts as soon as the man entered the sitting room (in a very loud and colourful manner), as well as a caterwauling charm simply to get his attention first. He grinned to himself, there was a good chance Severus would be cranky at him anyway as he was fairly sure it would scare him half to death, but that was part of the fun. Besides, a big part of him wanted to see how far he could push him which he knew was childish but he couldn't seem to help it.

He still hadn't got up the courage to ask him to come to the shrieking shack with him despite the fact that it had been three weeks since the visit to the chamber of secrets. They were co-existing nicely at the moment, spending every single night together in Severus' bed (sometimes sleeping and sometimes not), and having hardly any arguments, but Harry still felt as if there was something standing between them. Perhaps it was just the fact that neither of them knew how much longer they would be living together, or what would happen once Harry went back to his dorm. He wondered if there was any way he could return to classes but still be able to stay with Severus.

'Harry you have that glazed over look again.' Hermione commented.

'Sorry I was just thinking about something.'

'About how once again I've beaten you soundly?' Ron asked. 'Checkmate.' He added as his queen bashed in the head of Harry's last remaining knight.

Harry smirked. 'No that's not really worth contemplating Ron as it's a standard occurrence.'

'So what were you contemplating then?' Hermione asked.

'Mostly just what will happen when I finally get to come back to classes, and how long that will be.' Harry said.

'Well surely it'll be soon. How many counselling sessions have you had now?' Ron asked.

'Three.' Harry replied.

'Isn't three enough to see you aren't bonkers anymore? What more do they want?' Ron asked blithely.

'No idea.' Harry said. 'But I have another one tomorrow.'

'You don't see things anymore do you?' Hermione asked.

'Nope. But the fear I might is always still in the back of my head you know? Like every time I see something out of the corner of my eye I worry that it's that bloody shadow again.' Harry said 'It's frustrating.'

'I bet it is. But you know you might just have to let go of that worry Harry, before you can come back. Maybe that's all it is?' Hermione said. 'Maybe once your counsellor sees you aren't afraid anymore that's when you can come home?'

'Maybe.' Harry said. 'I don't think it's just the counselling sessions that count though. Snape also has to agree that I'm well enough, and Professor McGonagall has to give her approval too.'

'Well I can't imagine that will be much of a problem.' Hermione said. 'I can't imagine either of them keeping you away for longer than necessary.'

'Yeah I know. I'll just have to be patient I guess.' Harry said, as he thought, or maybe hoped that Severus would try to keep him as long as possible.

'Has it been that bad though? I mean you seem much happier now than you were before you know?' Ron asked.

'I am much happier.' Harry said with a small smile. 'I'm actually sleeping better, and I feel more relaxed. But I'm also bored, tired of staying in one place for most of the day. I feel like I'm on bloody house arrest!'

'I guess you are in a manner of speaking.' Hermione said.

'It must also suck having not much company other than Snape hey?' Ron said. 'I mean this is only the second time you've visited us. It must be killing you!'

Harry laughed. 'Yes well it is certainly nice to see you again Ron, my life is just not complete without your presence!'

'Hey now none of that.' Ron protested. 'It must be horrible hanging around with that git all day every day. I'm surprised you haven't hexed each other yet.'

Harry remained silent, thinking of last night's encounter with Severus in the shower. There was certainly no hexing involved.

'It isn't horrible is it Harry?' Hermione asked, looking closely at him.

Harry smiled. 'No it isn't horrible, it's wonderful.' He said softly. 'But I do miss my life, you know the normal one where I go to classes every day and my only worry was how I was going to get my homework done and whether or not we would win the next Quidditch match. All I've ever wanted was to be normal, but I'm starting to think that normal just doesn't suit me, and I guess that's okay.'

'Excuse me but did you just say that hanging out with Snape is wonderful?' Ron asked aghast. 'Harry have you actually forgotten the last seven years?'

'Well yes Ron I'm trying to forget it. Is that ok with you?' Harry asked grumpily.

'Like you can talk Ron.' Hermione added.

'What's that supposed to mean?'

'Who sits next to us in every single class now?' Hermione prompted him. 'And at meal times?'

'That's completely different.' Ron huffed. 'He doesn't have anyone else to sit with, it's a mercy thing.'

'Malfoy?' Harry guessed.

'Yeah but it's not like that.' Ron said with a groan.

'Ron Weasley have you forgotten the last seven years?' Harry asked him teasingly.

'Well he's different now.' Ron grumbled.

'See I told you Harry wouldn't care.' Hermione said. 'He thought we shouldn't tell you.'

'Why would I care? I'm actually kinda glad to hear it. Besides it looked like it was heading that way before I left. He was already sitting with us in classes. It was only a matter of time. How's he doing anyway?' Harry asked.

'He's doing about as well as any of us. In some ways I think it's much harder for him.' Hermione said.

'Of course it is, he supported the wrong side of the war his whole life, until he actually joined it and realised what it meant.' Harry said.

'Yeah, well it definitely changed him.' Ron said. 'He's still a bit of a git but he's trying.'

'So what you're friends with him now?' Harry asked, smirking.

Ron held his hands up, 'Friends is going a bit far, I'd say we're acquaintances.'

'That's bullshit Ron, we're friends with him and you know it.' Hermione said slapping him over the head.

'Ow! Okay fine then we're friends!' Ron cried. 'Just stop hitting me!'

'I don't suppose he has any friends left does he? Any of his old friends I mean.' Harry mused. 'I can't imagine how strange it must be to be the only person of your house in a year. It must be lonely.'

'Yeah, to be honest I think that's why he started hanging around us in the first place, just for someone to talk to you know? But then he was saying the other day that it's not the same as before and he can't talk to people who didn't have anything to do with the war because they just don't get it you know?' Ron said.

'Yeah I know what you mean.' Harry said. 'At least he had the courage to come back here and finish. Not many people would.'

'Yeah well like I said he's still a bit of a git but we're pushing on through it.' Ron said magnanimously.

'How big of you.' Harry sniggered. 'But you know the same can be said of Snape. He's still, well he's still Snape, I can't see that ever changing but he's just been through so much, and so much of what he's been through was for me. It's completely changed the way I look at him. He's different. He challenges me, both intellectually and emotionally, he's interesting to talk to and he's kind. Not in the conventional way I grant you, but he cares. He deserves peace and happiness just as much as the next person, maybe more.'

'I know Harry.' Hermione said. 'And so does Ron.' She added throwing him a dark look.

'Yeah I get it Harry, it's just a bit hard when he's still a git in class, even if he's not quite as gitty as he used to be.' Ron grumbled.

'Well I don't care how he acts in class; I wouldn't change a thing about him. He's exactly the sort of person I want in a p…' Harry broke off, he had just been about to say partner. 'Friend.' He finished lamely.

'Uh huh.' Hermione said, with an amused look. Ron just shook his head.

'Whatever, just stop ragging on him will you?' Harry asked.

'Okay, I promise I'll never say another mean word about Snape. I guess I'm just not used to seeing you fight for him is all.'

'Yeah well it's about time someone did.' Harry muttered. 'He's not alone anymore.' He added.

…

Harry only just made it back by curfew. Thankfully he managed to get inside the door to their quarters with a minute to spare, and without being seen. Not that it would really matter that much at this stage if he was seen. According to Ron it was a poorly kept secret that Harry was still at Hogwarts, although it was only a select few that knew he was staying with Snape.

Harry came quietly into the sitting room to find Severus with his back to him, seated on a chair in front of the fire.

'Very amusing Harry.' He said sharply. 'Did you intend to nearly give me a heart attack?'

'You need to get more fun out of life that's all.' Harry replied.

'I don't believe in fun.' Severus retorted.

Harry came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his neck and leaned over to kiss his collar bone. 'That's a lie.' He said softly.

In one quick movement Severus reached behind him and grabbed Harry around the waist pulling him over the chair and into his lap, and kissed him soundly. 'I don't believe in that kind of fun Harry.' He said pulling away slightly. 'This kind however I have no problem with.' and he bent to kiss him again, cupping Harry's face in his hands, his tongue slowly pushing Harry's lips apart unyielding.

Harry was having problems breathing, as his head and body swam with desire. He ran his hands over Severus' back as he felt the man harden beneath him. He moved slightly so he was facing Severus, sitting astride.

'Imagine my disappointment when I arrived home this evening, anticipating finding you here waiting for me, ready for me, only to discover you were in the company of several unruly Gryffindor's for the evening?' Severus whispered in his ear, before kissing his earlobe gently. 'And imagine my distain to discover this by way of several loud and annoying charms?'

Harry moaned softly. "It certainly seems to have had quite the effect on you, I only intended to keep you well informed of my whereabouts- ohhhhh, you know what that does to me!' He exclaimed as Severus took his earlobe between his teeth, worrying it slightly.

Severus pulled back slightly. 'I missed you.' He growled.

Harry looked deep into his eyes. 'I missed you too. Take me to bed Severus.'

'With pleasure.'

He slowly stood, as Harry wrapped his legs around him and moved towards the bedroom, kissing his neck.

'Don't drop me.' He teased as he ran his hands up Severus' back to his neck and then through his hair.

'I'm not that old thank you.' Severus scoffed. 'Besides you still weigh next to nothing.' He added as he gently placed Harry on the middle of the bed, and kissed him.

Harry moaned into Severus' mouth as he pulled him on top of him and hastily undid his robe. His chest was bare underneath and his muscles rippled as Harry ran his fingers over them quickly then over his stomach as he struggled to undo his pants. He eventually got them undone and pulled them sharply over his hips with one hand, grabbing Severus' erection in his other stroking him gently.

'A little impatient Harry?' Severus asked huskily. 'You're still fully clothed.'

'Perhaps.' Harry replied continuing to stroke Severus, while pulling him down on top of him so he could kiss his chest taking a nipple into his mouth.

Severus pulled off him and quickly pulled open the drawer of his bedside table, removing his wand. He vanished Harry's clothes with a quick flick and cast a lubrication charm. 'Satisfied?' he smirked.

'Very.'

Severus gazed longingly at Harry, stretched out on the bed, his erection extended out in front of him. He leaned over him and kissed him soundly, running his hands up Harry's thighs. He moved lower, kissing his chest until he reached his erection, taking it into his mouth, tonging the underside gently. With his free hand he found Harry's entrance and fingered it gently, sliding first one finger in and then another. Harry gasped.

Severus moved up to kiss Harry's lips as he positioned himself carefully and slowly entered him until he could go no further. He began to move with gentle strokes, allowing Harry to get used to the discomfort, before speeding up as both of them began to moan loudly. Severus reached down between them and grasped Harry's erection, keeping rhythm with his own frantic thrusts until Harry gave a last long moan and came furiously all over Severus' hand. Severus followed shortly after as he pushed hard into Harry spilling himself deep inside him with a shuddering gasp.

For a long while they just lay in bed tangled together, somewhere between sleep and awake, Harry's head on Severus's chest, their legs intertwined.

After a time Harry grew cold and wriggled into Severus, who whipped the covers over them and kissed him gently on the forehead. 'You ok Harry?' He asked quietly.

'Mmmm, very ok.'

'You have that look. The one you only get when you're thinking about something but you don't know if you should say it or not.' Severus said.

'You shouldn't know that look yet.'

'I know you better than you think.'

Harry looked up at him, 'I know you do. I was just thinking about something Ron and Hermione told me this evening about Malfoy.'

'Ah so they told you he's taken your place in the golden trio?' Severus asked.

'The what?' Harry asked. 'You know what, never mind I don't want to know. They told me that they're sort of friends with him now.'

Severus snorted. 'Sort of is an understatement. I reprimand them for talking far more often than when it was you.'

'That's probably because no one is afraid of you anymore.' Harry said softly.

'Codswallop. Everyone's afraid of me, and always will be.'

'Uh huh.' Harry said drily.

'Does it bother you?' Severus asked.

'What the fact that they're friends? No not at all. I actually am glad he's making friends with decent people for once. He's been through as much as any of us. Even if it was on the wrong side. But everyone deserves a second chance right?' Harry asked looking up at Severus.

'Yes.' Severus replied tightly. 'So what's the problem then?'

'I guess it just bothers me a bit that you didn't tell me.'

'Draco asked me not to.' Severus said. 'I thought it was important to respect his wishes.'

Harry nodded thoughtfully and snuggled into him again. 'I'm sleepy.'

'Then go to sleep.' Severus said, kissing him softly.

Harry closed his eyes but didn't go to sleep, instead he thought about the conversation he'd had with Ron and Hermione about Severus. He breathed in the scent of the man sleeping next to him and listened to his steady breathing, focusing on the feel of bare skin on bare skin. Neither of them would be alone ever again.

'I love you.' He murmured, before falling asleep.

He didn't feel the slight stiffening of concern from the body pressed against his; he didn't see the black eyes flutter open with recognition of his words.

I love you too Harry, Severus thought. But I could never keep you…


	16. Who will love you? Who will fight?

**A/N- I'm sorry this has taken so long to update but I seriously struggled to write it… No doubt I will get more than a few complaints over this but let's just say- people don't change overnight… and people always leave. Enjoy, thank you again for all the reviews, and let me know what you think of this one.**

**Also the title of this chapter is from the song 'Skinny Love.'**

**Chapter 16- Who will love you? Who will fight?**

Harry returned from his latest counselling session feeling rather odd. For the first time he didn't really know if it had gone well or terribly. For some time now they had been discussing his experiences prior to and during the war (Harry had followed Severus' advice and edited slightly) both with Voldemort but also with his family and friends. It was different today though, there were some questions and they discussed his friendship with Ron and Hermione a little bit more, but otherwise they had sat in silence a lot.

Was that bad? Was he deemed beyond help? He desperately wanted to go back to classes (even though it also meant leaving Severus), he didn't think he could take too much more seclusion. He wanted normality.

Harry shook himself slightly, trying not to work himself into a panic over nothing. Instead he decided to study; which as far as he was concerned was proof he was no longer crazy, and besides study was really all he did these days anyway.

He had made copious amounts of notes on Severus' copy of 'Dark Arts Across The Ages' and was slowly forming a study plan of sorts. He had shown Severus his notes over a week ago and they'd had many in depth discussions on the subject of dark magic. Harry was learning to see them the way that Severus did, he was slowly starting to understand how one could love them and be infatuated by them as so many dark wizards had. The entire subject intrigued him and he was determined to look carefully into the possibility of how to learn dark arts without succumbing to the dark side (as he put it), and simultaneously learning to defend against them. Severus had suggested that Harry should write an extensive paper on the subject, and he had loaned him several more texts to start his research with.

He spread three texts across the table and began comparing methods on defence against the Imperious curse versus the technique required to cast it. Before long he was completely immersed in his task and had forgotten all about his counselling session that morning.

'You know if you wanted to you could submit this for me for your Defence Against the Dark Arts class.' Severus said from behind Harry, who nearly jumped out of his skin in fright.

'Are you trying to give me a heart attack?' he gasped. 'How hard is it to announce your presence when you come into a room instead of sneaking up behind me?'

'Aren't we dramatic today?' Severus said sarcastically. 'Of course you could always use your ears and eyes to recognise when someone enters the room without them having to bloody tell you themselves. You might save yourself the fright.'

'Well you're very sneaky. Normal people make more noise than you.' Harry protested.

Severus simply raised one eyebrow at Harry, who couldn't help grinning at him.

'What are you doing home anyway? It's the middle of the day.'

'I felt the need to visit you.' Severus drawled. 'How is the study going?'

'How very romantic of you, it's going fairly well I guess. What did you mean I can submit this for class? It's not on the curriculum.' Harry said

'I'm well aware of that Harry, however I think it's fair to say that you have more than covered the curriculum in your past experiences yes? Therefore this project can count for your in class written grade. You will still have to sit your NEWTs of course, but we both know you won't have any problems passing them.' Severus said, running his hands gently through Harry's hair.

'Do I still have to go to class?' Harry asked, leaning back into Severus' touch.

'Yes.' Severus said shortly. 'Until you can learn to duel without using Expelliarmis to finish.'

'You're relentless!' Harry huffed. 'What is it with you and that bloody spell? What difference does it make if I use it or not?'

'I'm simply trying to make you better Harry.' Severus snapped, removing his long fingers from Harry's head.

Harry swivelled in his chair to face him. 'I know you are.' He said softly, as he got up from the chair and went to Severus wrapping his arms around his neck and kissing him. 'You do realise who taught me that spell?'

'I have no idea.'

'You did you twit.' Harry smirked.

'I have no recollection whatsoever of managing to teach you anything.' Severus replied.

'Well you didn't exactly teach it to us. You used it against Lockheart in our second year. The duelling club remember?'

'Ah yes, a fond memory indeed.' Severus said with a smile. 'I find it hard to believe that's where you learned it. You were very young.' He added, the smile fading from his face.

'Well I'm old now, and I still use it and you may just have to deal with that.' Harry said fondly running his hands down Severus' face slowly.

'I never said you can't use it, only that I would like you to prove that you don't have to.' Severus said seriously. 'I can't really explain why it's important to me but it is.'

Harry pulled back from him a little. 'If it's important to you then I will do my best for you Severus.' He shrugged. 'It's not like I wouldn't want to go to your class anyway.' He added with a smirk.

Severus pulled him closer. 'I'm glad to hear that.' He said sadly, and leant down to kiss Harry's collarbone.

'Are you okay?' Harry asked uncertainly, running his hands cautiously over Severus' back.

'Yes.'

Harry pulled away from him. 'Why are you home? You're never home at this time of day.'

'I wanted to see you.'

'Why?' Harry asked, feeling a sense of dread settle in his stomach.

'I received an owl at lunchtime from St Mungo's Harry.' Severus sighed.

Harry felt all the air rush out of him and he stumbled backwards to sit in a chair. 'Please tell me I don't have to go back there. Am I beyond help? I knew something wasn't right this morning.'

'No you idiot!' Severus snapped. 'There's nothing wrong with you, you're cleared for classes.' He paused. 'You're expected back in Gryffindor tower this evening.'

For a moment Harry just sat there, frozen. He felt as if he'd been dosed in cold water. Wasn't this what he wanted? To get back to some semblance of normality, and not be isolated from his peers any longer? Then why did this feel so wrong?

Harry looked at Severus who had fixed his dark eyes on him intently and was looking at him as if he would never look at him again. It tore at Harry's heart, and before he knew it he was in his arms kissing him furiously, pulling him closer, their teeth clashing as they clung together as if there was no tomorrow, hands grabbing flesh and pulling at clothing until they had sunk to the floor where they stood, naked and fully aroused. They could feel nothing but the touch of skin on skin, and the smell of desire and need for each other ran through the air like rain drenching them both.

Severus pulled Harry underneath him, spreading his legs quickly and with little preparation pushed himself inside him. The pain Harry felt at such an abrupt entrance was quickly replaced with pleasure as Severus began to move with an urgency that Harry matched. Harry looked into his eyes and saw a desperation there that matched his own. He reached up and roughly pulled Severus' face down to meet his, crushing their lips together, tongues roughly pushing and tasting as Severus thrust into Harry again and again until they both violently came within moments of each other.

They lay there together on the floor covered in each other's fluids, hearts thumping furiously, and revelling in the feeling that if they could just stay there the world would keep turning and they'd be forgotten.

It was Severus who eventually moved first, gently pulling out of Harry and moving to lie next to him on the floor. 'We should get up.' He murmured. 'This floor is not the most comfortable place for this.'

'I can't ever remember being more comfortable.' Harry contradicted. 'Except perhaps for two seconds ago when you were still inside me.'

'Believe me that feeling of contentment doesn't last long, it's better to end it before that happens.' Severus said softly, sitting up.

'I don't agree.' Harry replied sitting up and trailing his fingers slowly down Severus' back enjoying how warm his skin was and how it made Severus tremble ever so slightly. 'I love every second I spend with you, and that feeling isn't going away for me.'

Severus didn't say anything to that, instead he got to his feet and pulled Harry with him. He took him gently by the hand and led him to the shower where he carefully washed him from head to toe, caressing and massaging every single part of him.

Harry had never felt so revered, or so loved in all his life.

After their shower they retreated to Severus's bedroom where they spent the afternoon in each other's company, making love slowly, drinking in the moments they had with each other until finally exhausted they fell asleep.

…

When they woke it was after dark, and Severus nudged Harry awake. 'You have to pack Harry. It's after dinner already. You're expected back anytime now, and no doubt Minerva will be down here in a hurry if you don't present yourself soon.'

Harry groaned. 'I really don't want to leave this bed Severus.' He said sadly. He never imagined that this moment would be so difficult.

'Well you have to so you'd better get on with it.' Severus said grimly. 'Pack neatly or I'll make you do it again.'

Harry looked closely at Severus, he sounded strained, and he wouldn't meet his eyes.

'It's okay Harry. Just go and pack.' He said, pushing him gently out of the bed his hand lingering for a moment on his back.

Harry reluctantly let himself be pushed out of bed and retreated to his own room to dress in his Hogwarts robes and pack his things. He took Severus at his word so instead of using magic to pack (which undoubtedly would have been quicker but messy) he took the time to pack by hand, also he was stalling for time and he was dragging out the moment when he would have to say goodbye as long as he could.

Eventually he had packed everything in his bedroom and moved to the sitting room to pack his books. Severus was waiting in the sitting room, and handed them to him silently one by one, he included the books on dark magic from his own library.

'Are you sure?' Harry asked uncertainly.

'Yes.' Severus answered. 'I know you'll take care of them.'

'Thank you.'

There was nothing left to pack. A house elf was called to take Harry's things to his dormitory, and soon it was just him and Severus standing in the hallway, neither one willing to speak.

Silence speaks louder than words and in this moment the silence emanating from Severus was screaming at Harry that there was something wrong. He still wouldn't look him in the eye and the man he had clung to so desperately mere hours ago seemed to have disappeared completely leaving nothing but a stranger behind.

'Severus? What's wrong?' Harry asked cautiously.

'You need to call me Professor Snape Harry.' Severus said in a dead sort of voice.

For the second time that night Harry felt as though he'd had cold water thrown over him. He wanted to ask why but he couldn't, instead he nodded and asked 'When will I see you again?'

'You'll see me in class.'

'I meant when will I see you again like this? When will we be together again?' Harry asked and a touch of panic crept into his voice.

'I thought you would have understood what this was Harry.' Severus said, and he finally looked at him and Harry saw a flash of pain in his eyes before a mask of contempt came down to cover it. 'This was to last only as long as you were staying here. It's inappropriate for this to continue when you're back with your peers.' He continued.

Harry looked at the man in front of him searching desperately for the person he fell in love with, but it seemed that Severus had gone and Professor Snape was in his place. He tried to push the hurt and rejection he felt aside and to see things from Snape's point of view. 'I can understand that.' He said evenly. 'Will we be together again at the end of the school year then?' He asked carefully.

'No Harry. This is over between us, and I think you know that. The whole idea of us carrying out a relationship outside these walls is ludicrous.' Snape said.

'Ludicrous?' Harry said in disbelief, raising his voice slightly. 'But within these walls it was okay? Are you crazy? What the hell is the difference anyway? We're exactly the same people! A change in location doesn't change the way I bloody feel about you!'

Snape grabbed Harry roughly by the arm and pulled him towards the mirror in the corridor thrusting him in front of it. 'What do you see Harry?' He asked. 'Does this picture look right to you?'

As Harry looked at their reflection in the mirror he was reminded painfully of the image he had seen in the mirror of Erised, only this image was nothing like that one. Snape's eyes were filled with scorn and contempt and he was looking at Harry exactly the same way he used to look at him during Potions class. It made him feel sick.

'No this doesn't look like it should _Professor Snape_.' Harry said angrily, emphasising the name. 'You're looking at me like I'm beneath you, something to be ridiculed or embarrassed of. If you were looking at me the way you did mere hours ago then it would be a different picture and a different story.'

'It makes no difference how I look at you _Potter_, the picture's the same, and no one would believe it let alone accept it. So it's time you started to realise that this is over and stop acting like a child.' Snape spat.

'Why does it matter what other people think?' Harry asked. 'Surely that wouldn't matter to you? You spent years with people believing that you were a Death Eater! What is this compared to that? Am I so awful to your image?'

'What about your precious image Potter? I know how much you like the attention; any kind of attention will do won't it? As long as your name is in the paper that is. Are you afraid that you'll be forgotten now the dark lord is gone? Is that why you so desperately want to be with me?'

'You're pathetic Severus. Don't go down that road again, you know me better than that, and I know you better too.' Harry said quietly. 'Just tell me one thing please.'

There was silence. Snape looking away from Harry now, but his face still held the same ugly emotions as before.

'Why did you do it if you knew from the beginning that it wasn't going to last? What was the point?' Harry whispered, unable to keep the pain out of his voice. 'Was it all a game?'

Still there was silence.

'Answer me!' Harry shouted.

Severus flinched as if Harry had slapped him, and when he looked up at him his face mirrored Harry's, full of pain. 'I don't know why I did it.' He whispered. 'Perhaps I just wanted to feel again, or maybe I just wanted to make someone love me.'

'Well congratulations to you Severus if that's the case, because you fucking pulled it off.' Harry spat. 'And now you've ruined it.'

Snape's eyes narrowed. 'Perhaps if you were less like your father and more like your mother you would have done better with me.' He sneered.

Harry shook his head slowly. 'I can't believe you said that to me. I am so fucking disappointed in you. I thought better of you. I believed in you, I loved you and I fought for you. Well who's going to love you now Severus? And who will fight for you?'

With that he turned his back on him and left, closing the door behind him without looking back. If he had, he would have seen Severus crumple slowly to the floor, his hands covering his eyes, his shoulders shaking.

But he didn't look back.


	17. Broken Inside

**Chapter 17- Broken Inside**

Harry's return to Gryffindor tower was more subdued than his classmates would have liked.

Upon leaving Snape's quarters Harry went to see Professor McGonagall, who then brought him up to Gryffindor tower. The common room erupted into cheers when he stepped through the portrait hole, and he was quickly surrounded by his classmates who were overly eager to welcome him back.

Harry disengaged himself as quickly as possible (with Ron and Hermione's help) and retired to his dormitory, shutting his curtains firmly around his bed.

'Do you want to talk about it Harry?' Ron asked quietly from behind the curtains.

'Talk about what?' He asked tiredly.

'Whatever happened tonight? You should see your face; you look like you're barely holding it together.' Hermione said.

'Do you want to tell us what happened?' Ron asked.

Harry turned his face away from the curtains. 'Not particularly.' He said quietly. 'I will eventually, just not tonight.'

'Okay.' Ron answered. 'We'll leave you alone then.'

Harry pulled his covers over his head and squeezed his eyes shut and tried very very hard not to think about what had just happened.

…

The following morning Harry made the decision to get up and deal with returning to classes. He initially planned on staying in bed until someone showed up to drag him out of it, but then he suspected that the person sent to fetch him may well be Snape and that thought alone was enough to get him up.

He did skip breakfast however, as he couldn't bear the thought of seeing Severus. He felt very much as if his heart had been ripped out, put through a blender and then spattered about for all to see. He had no appetite either and so really didn't see the point in going.

Ron had very tactfully left him alone, without asking anymore questions. Shortly before classes were to begin he returned with a piece of toast for Harry who simply shook his head slightly.

'We should get going. Hermione is downstairs waiting for us.' Ron said shoving the piece of toast in his mouth. 'Imf shem ashks yoo ashe ih' he added.

Harry raised his eyebrows in question. 'Sorry what?'

Ron swallowed. 'If she asks, you ate it.' He said. 'I promised her I'd get you to eat it.'

'Okay.' Harry said. 'What do we have first?'

'We have Transfiguration, then Charms, then double DADA this afternoon.' Ron said as they walked down the stairs to Hermione who was waiting at the bottom.

Harry nodded vaguely.

'Hi Harry.' Hermione said gently. 'How you feeling today?'

Harry just looked at her. 'I'm fine Hermione. Let's just get to class.' He said sharply.

Hermione flinched slightly. 'Okay.'

Harry led the way out of the portrait hole with Ron and Hermione behind. Hermione looked at Ron in question, who simply shrugged. It appeared that Harry wasn't ready to talk just yet.

…

It turned out that thanks to Snape's tutoring Harry really hadn't missed much at all, and in some cases was even further along than his classmates. This led to a decent amount of staring out the window, as his professors droned on in whichever subject he had already covered.

This of course led to thinking, which so far he had been keen to avoid. The more he thought about Severus the more he missed him, he ached to see his face again, to see him raise his eyebrows in question or to smirk at some comment Harry had made. He ached to touch him and feel how soft his skin was and to run his fingers through his hair. Mostly he just missed his company, his voice, his conversation, his person.

The more he thought about him the angrier at him he became, until his anger threatened to boil over the top and escape. He had never felt this way before; he had never had so much anger directed at a single person, not even at Snape when he thought he had killed Dumbledore for Voldemort. He had heard it said that hate and love were closely connected emotions but he had never really considered why until now. He knew without a doubt that he still loved him more than anything, but his disappointment and anger were so real he could barely stomach it. He couldn't believe the amount of trust he had placed in Severus only to have it betrayed. He wasn't the man he had thought he was, and that led to the feelings of hate he was now experiencing.

By the time it was lunch Harry was well and truly sick of feeling like shit, and he contemplated just going back to bed- after all he had double DADA after lunch and there was no way he was going to it.

'Harry are you coming?' Ron asked as he headed towards the great hall for lunch.

'Um actually I was thinking of just eating in the common room today.' Harry said casually. 'Feel free to join me. It's just a little crowded in the great hall.'

'Uh huh.' Hermione said drily from behind him. 'And just how are you planning on getting food to eat when we are supposed to eat in the great hall? Or did you expect us to be your delivery service?'

Harry grinned. 'Well it just so happens that I have a house elf who's currently employed in the kitchens. I'm sure if I ask nicely he'll bring us food.'

Ron slapped Harry on the back. 'That's wicked Harry! How come you never mentioned that before? We could have him bring us food whenever we like!'

'Ronald Weasley don't you dare think of exploiting Kreacher like that!' Hermione said angrily. 'He's not a slave.'

'I never suggested he was.' Ron said hotly.

'I'm not planning on making a habit out of it Ron.' Harry said. 'I just don't feel like sitting in a crowded hall right now.'

'You mean you don't want to see Snape right now.' Ron said. 'We're not idiots Harry, obviously something happened. It was written all over your face as soon as you entered the common room last night.'

'Yeah well I don't want to talk about it here.' Harry said fearful of who might overhear them.

'Lunch in the common room it is then!' Hermione said brightly pulling Harry along by the arm.

Kreacher was surprised by the request for food but very happy to oblige and soon they were happily eating.

'So what happened Harry?' Hermione asked.

For a few moments Harry actually considered telling them the truth. It felt odd to have a secret from them and he didn't like it. However he couldn't bear the thought of them judging him or disapproving. He didn't think he could take it.

'Nothing really happened. You could say that spending all that time with him caused me to see his real colours.' Harry said carefully. It was true enough.

'What happened to the hero worship thing you had going on?' Ron said. 'It wasn't that long ago that you were singing his praises and glaring at anyone who said a bad word against him.'

'Yeah well there's a chance that I'll still glare at people who diss him. But let's just say that he's not the person I thought he was, and I have no desire to spend any more time in his company.' Harry said firmly.

'Too bad you're next class is with him. How's that gonna go?' Ron asked.

'I'm not going.' Harry said simply. 'Professor McGonagall told me last night I didn't have to. Well I asked her and I explained how Snape has given me this private study project to do that I can turn in for my written NEWT, and we all know I'll pass the practical with ease. So McGonagall told me that as long as I use the time to study I don't have to go to his class.'

'What did you tell her had happened?' Hermione asked.

'I didn't tell her anything only that I thought returning to classes might be a bit much so it would be good if I could drop one. She agreed, she didn't seem convinced but she didn't ask me any more questions unlike the two of you.' Harry said.

'You're really not going to tell us what happened are you?' Hermione said.

'No I'm not.'

'Why not?' Hermione asked.

'Because it's complicated, and he asked me not to. And I won't be like him. I won't go back on my word.'

Ron and Hermione exchanged a dark look.

Harry sighed. 'I'm sorry, I just want to move past it and finish the year and move on with my life.'

'We're not angry at you Harry.' Hermione said softly.

'Just worried.' Ron said.

'You've both spent so much bloody time worrying about me lately, it's time that stopped. You both need to move on, I'm fine, I'm not going to go crazy again, and with time I'll get over this anger I'm currently feeling. Stop worrying about me okay?' Harry said firmly. 'I'll be fine on my own.'

'Okay Harry, but we're never going to stop caring about you, you know?' Hermione said hugging him fiercely.

'I know, I'm never going to stop caring about you either.' Harry said, hugging her back.

Ron coughed.

Harry laughed. 'Calm down Ron.'

'I'm calm, but we should get to class. You may be off the hook but that doesn't mean we are. And we're about to be late.' Ron added.

'If his mood is anything like yours then we'd better not show up late.' Hermione said standing up in a hurry.

'I'm sure he won't be any different.' Harry murmured. 'He doesn't feel the same way I do.'

Hermione looked closely at Harry but didn't say anything.

Harry looked after them as they headed out the door. 'Ron?'

Ron turned as he reached the portrait hole. 'What?'

'Why didn't Malfoy sit with us in class this morning? I thought he was friends with you now?' Harry questioned.

Ron smirked. 'He's a git. He recons you won't want him around and doesn't want to be a bother. Which personally I think just means he's intimidated by you.'

Harry laughed. 'Well tell him not to be an idiot then.'

Ron grinned. 'I will.'

…

As promised Harry spent the afternoon in the library continuing to work on his Dark Arts project. He pushed two desks together in order the spread out the texts he was working on and was making great progress when Ron, Hermione and Malfoy (surprisingly) approached him.

'Is this your super-secret DADA project?' Ron asked.

'Uh huh.' Harry said absentmindedly as he finished writing a sentence.

Hermione picked up on of the texts. 'Harry this is a book on the dark arts themselves, not just the defence of them! Where did you get this?'

'Snape loaned them to me before I left. And the project is more on the dark arts that their defence anyway. It's fascinating.' Harry said taking the text out of Hermione's hands.

'It's not that fascinating.' Malfoy muttered.

Harry looked up at him. 'I imagine for you it wouldn't be.' He said. 'How you doing Malfoy?'

'I'm fine Potter. The real question is how are you?' Malfoy replied with a slight smirk.

'What do you mean by that?' Harry asked, frowning.

'He means that Snape just made all our lives hell during class. He took points off literally everyone, including Draco, which you have to admit is rather unusual.' Ron said.

Harry frowned. 'Well I don't know what to say to that except thank god I wasn't there.'

'It might have been better if you had been there Potter.' Draco said darkly. 'At the end of lunch Snape and McGonagall had a blazing row with each other, which ended with Snape storming off in an incredible snit.'

'What does that have to do with me?' Harry asked.

'Well your name came up several times, everyone could hear it. It seemed as though he objected strongly to you being excused from his class.'

'Yeah I bet he did.' Harry muttered.

'I thought this project was Snape's idea in the first place.' Hermione said. 'I don't understand why he would object so strongly.'

'Well he kinda said that I could only stop coming if I managed to disarm an opponent without using Expelliarmis.' Harry explained.

'Who gives a shit if you use Expelliarmis or not?' Draco said. 'The bloody war's over.'

'Which is pretty much what McGonagall said when I told her, so she gave me permission, overriding Snape I guess? That's probably the real reason for the temper tantrum.' Harry said.

'I doubt that's the only reason.' Hermione said drily.

'Please tell me that this hasn't become a subject of gossip?' Harry asked. 'I really don't want everyone talking about me and Snape. I don't want to hear anything that has my name in the same sentence as his.'

'Ouch.' Ron said.

'Harry people don't know that you were staying here with him, most people don't even know that you were staying here at all.' Hermione said. 'So relax, I'm sure no one has put two and two together. And Snape has always been like this with you.'

'Not lately.' Harry said darkly.

'True, but people don't seem to have noticed. They're mostly just saying that the semi nice Professor Snape from the start of the year seems to have reverted to form. Your name has barely been mentioned.' Hermione reassured him.

'But if I were you I'd show up in the great hall for dinner tonight. Your absence at lunchtime was noticed.' Draco said.

'Noticed how?' Ron asked.

'Well for starters I had to sit at the bloody Slytherin table for once, thanks so much. And Snape kept glaring at me as if that could help find you, as if I even knew where you were. Anyway people were wondering if you really were coming back to classes or what cause no one had seen you. Then there was the row. So my advice is that if you want to remain out of the spotlight you suck it up and come to dinner.' Draco said.

'See what I mean?' Ron said. 'He's still a git.'

Draco glared at Ron.

'Okay let's just move on shall we?' Hermione said hastily. 'Harry will you come to the great hall for dinner?'

Harry sighed. 'I guess I'd better.'

'Aren't you going to tell us what happened with you and Snape?' Draco asked.

'NO' Ron and Hermione said together.

'Especially not to you.' Ron added.

Harry smiled slightly at his friends' vehement defence of him. 'It's alright; we just had a disagreement that turned into a huge difference of opinion, which led to a blazing row. Let's just leave it at that okay?'

'A blazing row about what exactly?' Draco asked, as Ron shoved him.

'Don't push it Malfoy.' Harry said. 'I don't actually consider you a friend yet, you have to earn it.'

'Fair enough.' Draco said.

Dinner in the great hall turned out to be not as bad as Harry expected. When they arrived Snape hadn't even come in yet, so they settled themselves easily at the Gryffindor table (Draco included which Harry found quite surreal) and were quickly joined by Neville, Dean and Seamus.

Harry saw Severus enter, his robes billowing out behind him. However he refused to look in his direction for fear that he wouldn't be able to look away again. Instead he focused on trying to eat (although he still had no appetite) and listened to his friends chattering around him. He could feel Severus's eyes on him though, and eventually he gave into temptation and looked up to the staff table. Sure enough, Snape's eyes were locked onto Harry and they bored into him as if they could burn a hole right through him. Harry couldn't tell what he was thinking, but his mouth was curled up into a sneer, so he guessed it wasn't good.

He held his gaze for a moment then sadly turned away. He felt broken inside. Not in the way that he was whilst hallucinating, it was more like he'd broken a bone and it had been mended wrong so it would never work right again.

Harry pushed the feeling as far inside him as he could. He was strong, and he would get over this.

**A/N- Hope you liked it- it's pretty much a filler chapter, but more angsty goodness will follow shortly!**


	18. Severus is a rock, and a rock feels no p

**A/N – I'm so sorry this has taken so long. I have no excuse really - life and other stuff got in the way. Please review! And I hope you enjoy this - it's getting close to the end now!**

**Chapter 18- Severus is a rock, and a rock feels no pain.**

Severus was angry.

He was angry at Minerva, he was angry at Potter, he was angry at the entirety of Gryffindor house, and above all he was angry at himself (not that he would admit it).

He refused to acknowledge to himself that he had made a huge mistake in sending Harry away like he did. After all he had acted in the brats own interest, surely the little twit could see that they could or would never actually be able to enter into a relationship with each other? If Potter wasn't so immature and impulsive he would have been able to see that and they could have parted ways amicably.

But no, instead he had gone running to Minerva and begged to be let out of his class, with the knowledge that it would be going against his wishes. The fact that Minerva had actually allowed him to get away with it made him even more irate.

He tried to tell himself that it made no difference that Potter wasn't in his class anymore; it wasn't as if he wanted to face him, or have to deal with the horrible awkwardness that was bound to come with such an unfortunate parting. However in the few moments when he was actually being honest with himself he knew he was so angry because he missed Harry. He missed his voice, his messy hair, his cheeky grin, his eyes… How could he repair the damage caused if he was never to see him again? So far he hadn't even showed up to meals.

That was the other reason he was so angry at Minerva. He had already been on edge at lunch once realizing that Harry was once again absent and she pushed him too far by informing him in front of everyone that Harry was excused from his class. This was no doubt her intention, to avoid a scene, she obviously had assumed he would be angry no doubt a result of whatever nonsense Potter had told her. Well part of him was glad that he had let loose on her despite the public location; the other part was concerned that people would talk, and that the talk would get back to Harry.

He didn't want Potter to know that his absence had bothered him in the slightest. Besides he had been alone for years with people hating him, it wasn't a new feeling for him and he would continue as he always had before, unaffected.

With that thought Severus pulled himself to his greatest height and swept into the great hall for dinner, his robes billowing out behind him impressively.

He managed to make it all the way to the staff table before he glanced at the Gryffindor table looking for Harry. His eyes narrowed when he saw him seated comfortably across from Draco and chatting with him as if they had been friends for years instead of bitter enemies. It appeared as though all was forgiven, and Severus felt a surge of anger towards Draco as he looked at them. Or perhaps it was merely jealousy.

Whatever it was it was a strong feeling that intensified the longer he looked over at them; however he found it almost impossible to tear his eyes away. As much as he tried to tell himself that it wasn't true he couldn't deny that he missed Harry desperately, despite having seen him only the day before. He barely heard what was said around him, the inane conversation of his colleagues held no interest.

Severus studied Harry's face, drinking in the sight of him. It was at that moment that Harry raised his eyes to meet his. Severus was startled and instinctively shaped his face into a sneer. It seemed as though the sneer was his default setting when it came to Harry. Harry eyes bored into him for a moment longer, and then he looked away.

Severus dragged his eyes away from Harry's face, and focused on the table in front of him. His heart was pounding, he could hear it in his ears, and his face felt flushed. What the hell was wrong with him?

'Severus?' Minerva asked, frowning over her glasses at him. 'Are you alright?'

He narrowed his eyes at her. 'I'm fine.'

'Are you sure? You don't seem yourself lately.' She pressed.

'Don't be ridiculous.' He snapped, hoping she'd just shut up and leave him alone.

'Do you miss him?' She asked quietly, her eyes on the Gryffindor table.

Severus turned to her and focused all his anger and frustration into a single glare (possibly his best ever) that was so potent Minerva actually flinched. 'I would advise you to keep your thoughts to yourself.' He hissed. 'Do not make foolish assumptions or attempt to reform my opinions of the brat. I have never cared for him, and I certainly will not begin to now, and I most certainly would never miss him.' He added venomously. With that he stood and swooped dramatically out of the great hall without looking behind him.

He vowed to never look at Potter again.

…

It had been three weeks since Harry had returned to his so called 'normal' life, unfortunately he now had little interest in it. He just wanted to leave Hogwarts, put all this behind him and move on. He couldn't believe how much it hurt to be so close to the man he had loved for so brief a time and yet not able to touch, speak or look at him. Well he did look at him from time to time at mealtimes when he thought no one was watching him, but he tried to keep that to a minimum because frankly it just hurt.

He was sick of hurt.

…

For the past three weeks Severus had started every single day trying to live up to his vow, and only managed it until breakfast when he would invariably glance over at the Gryffindor table in the hopes of seeing Harry's face. He would then spend the rest of breakfast looking at him out the corner of his eye whilst simultaneously lying to himself about what he was doing.

This day was no different to any other with one exception. For once he was actually paying enough attention to the talk around him to hear something interesting.

'How's Professor Slughorn doing Minerva?' Flitwick's irritating chirpy voice broke through Severus' mental defenses.

'He's still quite unwell.' Minerva replied. 'I'm afraid I'm going to need to find someone to take his classes for at least today, possibly the rest of the week.'

At that Severus looked up at her in interest, although she mistook it for annoyance.

'Oh don't look at me like that Severus you're the obvious choice. Practically the only choice considering today's classes are all advanced. You don't have classes of your own until this afternoon do you?' Minerva snapped.

'That's not the point. I have no desire to teach advanced potions to a bunch of idiot children.' With the one exception of course, which he was determinedly not thinking about.

'They are hardly children Severus. Almost all of the seventh years are of age now which makes them adults and quite capable. You will begin this morning with the sixth years, then after lunch with the seventh years. That does clash with your first year defense class but I will cover that for you.'

Severus put no effort into arguing this decision, in truth he felt elated (if you could call it that) at the knowledge that he would be in close quarters with Harry again, able to talk to him and see him again under the pretense of teaching him.

'Fine.' He said sneering at Minerva his eyes glittering.

'I recognize that look Severus. You leave Harry alone.' Minerva said.

'I don't know what you're talking about. I wasn't even aware that Potter would be in that class. I assumed he had been let out of all his classes just as he was excused from mine.'

'I mean it. Do not harass the boy.' Minerva said firmly.

'He's not a boy Minerva. Potter is very much a man, and quite capable of standing up for himself I assure you.' Severus said almost absentmindedly as he looked at Harry across the hall.

'Is he now?' Minerva asked raising her eyebrows at him haughtily.

'Stay out of it.' Severus snapped.

…

Harry spent most of the morning staring out the window day dreaming. Which possibly wasn't the best idea since it was transfiguration he was missing, but for the moment he was getting away with it. Thanks to his hours upon hours of studying while in solitary confinement (as he now thought of it) he was fairly on top of things anyway.

He tried not to day dream anymore as they were almost always centered around Severus, and usually left him in a bad mood. This particular day dream was not any different except that it was perhaps a little more realistic than some of his previous ones.

As he was staring out the window he remembered the time they had gone flying together and the look of freedom on Severus' face. He imagined them flying together again, soaring around the castle grounds, over hills and under trees, feeling nothing but the wind in his hair and the exhilaration of flight. He imagined them flying side by side as equals, and enjoying the time together without words or thoughts or feelings to get in the way.

Maybe it wasn't so realistic after all; Harry couldn't imagine that he and Severus would ever fly together again. Hell they weren't even speaking.

He didn't much care though, instead he indulged himself and continued his day dream all the way through transfiguration, and then throughout lunchtime (after convincing Ron and Hermione to eat outside by the lake). In fact he was still half immersed in it when he arrived in the dungeons for Potions.

That was when reality showed up and kicked him in the ass for day dreaming.

At first Harry thought his sub conscious had completely taken over, for behind the desk was Severus, not Professor Slughorn. After shaking himself slightly Harry realized that it really was Severus standing there, with a sneer upon his face and eyes that glittered dangerously.

'Uh oh' Ron murmured. 'Slughorn must be ill.'

'Are you going to be okay Harry?' Hermione asked tentatively.

It was frightening how much those two were aware of without being told a thing.

'I'll be fine.' He said raising an eyebrow at them. 'Let's take our seats; we can't hang around in the door all day.'

Ron headed towards the back of the room where Draco had already settled himself and saved seats for them, a grim look on his face.

'I thought for a second you lot were going to be late.' He whispered as they sat down next to him.

'Where's Slughorn?' Ron asked in a low voice.

'Ill apparently.' Draco replied.

'Apparently.' Hermione replied. 'Can I just suggest now that we all try to keep our tempers?' She added looking at Ron.

'Me?' Ron asked. 'I'll keep my temper alright; I have classes with him all the time. It's Harry you should worry about. They're the ones who had the falling out after all.'

Ron, Hermione and Draco all looked at Harry, but he wasn't listening. Instead his attention was fixed on Severus who was looking their way, his eyes fixed on Harry.

'Harry?' Hermione asked 'You going to be okay?'

'I'll be fine, its only one class, and things are different now anyway. I'm quite capable of keeping my temper, assuming I'll even have to. You're reacting as if he's a monster you know. You don't even have anything to base this on.' Harry said quietly, still looking at Severus.

'Spoken by a person who clearly hasn't had a class with Snape for weeks.' Draco muttered.

'And who has obviously forgotten the previous five years of potions classes with Snape.' Ron added.

'Shush.' Harry said. 'He's looking right at us.'

Ron opened his mouth to say something else but Snape beat him to it.

'Silence. 10 points from Gryffindor Mr. Potter for speaking during class.' He sneered.

Harry practically felt Ron groan at that and he definitely heard Draco snigger

'This is like being back in bloody first year.' Ron grumbled quietly once Snape had turned his back to them to write instructions on the board.

'That's another ten points Mr Potter.' Snape drawled.

Ron opened his mouth to protest until Hermione elbowed him sharply in the ribs. She then scribbled a note quickly and shoved it across the desk at him.

_Shut up you idiot and think of Harry._

Ron screwed the note up and glanced at Harry briefly. He was copying down the instructions from the board with a look of complete disgust on his face.

This was a fair observation to make as Harry was disgusted. He was also disappointed and angry and sad all rolled into one. What made it worse was that he wasn't even remotely surprised. Severus had the emotional range of a two year old, and given that Harry had removed himself from contact with him it was no wonder that he was now using this situation and his position of power to torture him. He had completely reverted to form, and for the first time Harry seriously doubted that things would ever be put right between them. He could only hope that if he kept working quietly and gave Severus no ammunition that he could get through this class as quickly and easily as possible.

Of course Snape had no intention of letting him get away that easily.

Harry managed the first part of the potion easily enough as he had carefully read the instructions twice through, and so far his potion looked exactly as it should (and exactly like Hermione's).

Before long Snape had done the rounds of the rest of the classroom and come to their work table eyeing their potions with a sneer on his face. Harry supposed this was meant to be intimidating but it just wasn't going to work anymore. He had been intimate with the man, he'd seen him naked, he knew him better than anyone else did (he suspected) and the days where he could be intimidated by him were gone.

Besides Harry knew there was nothing wrong with his potion, having been tutored carefully by Severus himself.

Ron's didn't look quite so good however, and surprisingly Snape barely glanced at it before nodding and moving onto Harry's.

'That looks too thin Potter.' He sneered, turning his nose up at Harry's perfect potion. 'Perhaps you should have spent more time studying recently and less time relaxing, then you wouldn't be so far behind your class mates.'

'Yes sir.' Harry said politely. He refused to give him the satisfaction of getting angry, since that was clearly what Severus was after. It sickened him.

'There is nothing wrong with his potion.' Ron said crossly, and then winced as Hermione kicked him under the table.

'I see your friends still feel the need to protect you at every turn. Tell me will you let them jump in front of a moving train to save you or would you actually grow a spine and push them out of the way?' Severus asked nastily. 'Or perhaps you'd count on a member of your adoring public showing up to save you?'

Harry stayed silent, despite being furious. It was indeed as Ron had said just like first year, only Harry had learnt self-control since then and refused to rise to the bait. He could scarcely believe that Snape was being so childish.

'Don't you have anything to say Potter?'

He had plenty to say but nothing that was appropriate in this situation.

'No sir, I'm sorry I don't.' He replied keeping eye contact with Severus.

'You're just like your father aren't you? So arrogant, so foolish. You think the rules don't apply to you?' Snape said angrily, his voice rising slightly. 'You think you can just stop showing up to classes because you're the so called savior of the wizarding world?' He paused for a moment. 'But you couldn't save yourself from going crazy could you?'

By this stage the entire class had stopped working and all eyes were on them. Harry knew that Severus was just going to keep going until he got a reaction out of him, or until he'd made a complete fool out of them both.

Snape leaned forward on the worktable his palms flat, his eyes flashing angrily.

Harry chose this moment to speak.

'Sir, please reconsider whatever it is you are about to say.' He said in a very low voice. 'This is heading in a very bad direction for us both.'

Snape didn't move, but his eyes darted from side to side as he realized that they had an audience.

'Please sir.' Harry murmured softly, so low that only the two of them could hear it.

Snape quickly stood straight and swooped back to the front of the room. 'Class dismissed.' He said sharply.

There was still 20 minutes of class left and so for a moment none of them moved.

'GO' Snape roared.

There was a flurry of papers, quills, and potion ingredients as the class hurried to tidy up.

Harry packed up quickly and silently, as did Ron, Hermione and Draco, not one of them speaking until they were well out of the classroom and in fact out of the dungeons completely.

'That was, well wow.' Hermione said. 'Way worse than I expected.'

'It was exactly what I expected.' Ron snarled.

'Well you didn't exactly help matters did you?' Hermione replied.

'I guess I don't have as much control over my anger as I thought I did.' Ron said darkly.

'There's something I want to know Potter.' Draco said seriously.

'What?' Harry asked tiredly and wishing fervently that he could erase the last hour.

'What on earth did you do to him to hurt him so badly?'

Harry looked sharply at Draco. 'I didn't do anything Malfoy. He did this to himself.'

'Besides, he didn't seem as if he was hurting, more like he was in the mood to do some hurting if you know what I mean?' Ron added.

'I've known him for most of my life. Trust me, he's hurting. I've never seen him like this before.' Draco said quietly.

'Well he deserves it.' Harry said.

'Do you really think so?' Draco asked.

Harry didn't answer. Of course he didn't really think that Severus deserved to hurt this badly, but he had brought it on himself, and he was furious with him for the way he had just behaved. The man he loved had clearly disappeared completely and it felt like all the things they had been through together had never taken place.

What upset him the most was that it appeared as if Severus had no respect for him anymore, or perhaps he never did and their whole relationship had been a lie. If that was true he couldn't ever forgive him for it.

He had spent so much time recently focusing on forgetting Severus and moving on and this incident had just illustrated to him how far he still had to go. Part of him had still been holding on to the notion that once school was finished maybe Severus would change his mind and that they could get back together and be happy finally. It was naïve of him, he realized that now. They could never go back, and now Harry wasn't even sure that he wanted to.

'Harry?' Hermione asked tentatively. 'Are you ok?'

'Not really.' He said after a moment. 'But I will be.'

…

Harry didn't show up at dinner that night. He figured after the display in potions class that people would be talking about him whether he was present or not. In any case he just couldn't stomach having to sit in that hall and pretend that everything was okay. Ron and Hermione offered to stay with him but he was tired of them constantly asking him if he was okay, after the fifth time he simply told them that he wanted to be alone.

To be honest he was so sick of the whole situation, he was practically counting down the days until he was able to leave Hogwarts forever. It just wasn't the same anymore.

As he was finishing the dinner Kreacher had brought him, Harry heard a tapping on one of the windows in the common room. There was an owl perched on the windowsill, and when Harry opened it the owl flew in and presented its leg to Harry. There was a latter attached and Harry pulled it off curiously. The owl fixed him with a haughty look and ruffled its feathers. It appeared to be waiting for a reply.

Harry opened the letter.

_My Harry,_

_Having never before in my life apologized for anything I find it difficult to say the words now, so forgive me if they are lacking._

_I am so very sorry for the incident today in class. I cannot explain it adequately and I'm sure my apology will mean little to you now, however please know that it is heartfelt._

_I regret many decisions I have made in my life, and my decision to treat you so badly is close to the top of the list. I hope that you can accept this apology Harry, and I hope that someday there might be more for us than this. Please come and speak to me when you get the chance. _

_Severus_

Harry shook his head. He could only imagine how hard it must have been for Severus to swallow his pride and write those words. However it was too little too late, and he still couldn't bear the thought of speaking to him again.

The owl hopped closer to Harry and pecked at his fingers. Severus was obviously expecting Harry to reply. If only he knew what to say.

Harry grabbed a spare piece of parchment from the table in front of him and wrote his reply.

_Severus,_

_I accept your apology._

_I appreciate how difficult that was for you to write, and I thank you for it._

_As for the future, I think that unfortunately this is all we can ever hope for now. I think it was naïve of me to ever have hoped for more. I see no need to discuss this any further with you._

_Harry_

Harry tied the note onto the owl's leg and watched it fly off into the night.


	19. It's only love, fear, and pain

**Chapter 19- It's only love, pain and fear that make us human.**

Severus stood in his office rooted to the spot, his hands holding the note he had received from Harry and his eyes kept flickering back to it as if he could will the written words away.

He still couldn't comprehend how things had fallen so far between the two of them, and if he was being honest with himself (which happened so rarely) he knew it was almost entirely his own fault.

But surely his apology had counted for something? Otherwise what was the point? Why would anyone ever apologise for anything if it didn't do any good?

He slowly sat in the chair behind his desk and let the note fall to the ground. He didn't want to read it again.

Instead he began grading papers, taking more time and care than he ever had before in order to drag the process out. He spent most of his time in his office now; his quarters were bleak and lonely without Harry, whose presence was ever lingering. Severus couldn't stand to be in there.

He had just awarded two Acceptables, four Poors, and one well deserved Dreadful when there was an assertive knock on his office door.

The tiny amount of hope he had felt was crushed when he looked up and saw Draco lounging in the doorway.

'What do you want Mr Malfoy?' He asked crisply as he looked back at the paper he was currently reading and scrawled a big D on the front of it with unnecessary flourish.

'I hope that wasn't mine.' Draco said casually.

Severus raised his eyes to Draco's and fixed him with an intimidating glare. 'What do you want?' he snapped.

Draco simply raised his eyebrows at him in return. It seemed as though he just couldn't intimidate people like he used to.

'You realise what a mistake you made today don't you?' Draco asked seriously, entering his office and seating himself down in the empty chair at his desk. 'Why on earth did you do it?'

'Do what?' Severus asked, even though he knew perfectly well.

'Treat Harry like that.' Draco paused. 'It was a new level of cruelty, even for you. What did he do to you?'

'I don't remember ever asking your opinion.' Severus snapped . 'What's more I don't remember you ever caring in the past about me being cruel to Harry.'

'Just the fact that we both refer to him by his first name is evidence enough that things are not as they were in the past.'

Severus said nothing to that, but inwardly cursed himself for using Harry's first name. How much was Draco aware of anyway? 'Of course things aren't as they were in the past.' He said softly.

'You can't treat him like you did before the war.'

No shit. Severus thought bleakly. 'What do you think you know about it all anyway? I'm sure Potter doesn't give a rats arse how I treated him today.'

'Don't be a fool. I may not know exactly what happened between the two of you while he stayed in your quarters but I've got a good guess, and your mood over the past weeks and then your actions today pretty much confirmed it.' Draco snapped.

'That doesn't make it your business to butt in and give me unwanted advice.'

'No it doesn't but would you rather it came from me or from Professor McGonagall?' Draco asked scathingly. 'I'm not the only person who noticed you know. It's only a matter of time.'

'I don't care who knows what you idiot.' Severus retorted. 'Now get out of my office and leave me alone!'

'If you don't care who knows then why did you push him away in the first place? What possible reason other than that could you have to end things with him?' draco persisted.

'One more time.' Severus growled 'Its. Not. Your. Business.' He spelled out, but Draco showed no inclination of leaving.

Severus sighed and leaned back in his chair. 'Why do you assume I left him?' He asked, giving up the pretence of not knowing what Draco was talking about.

'Because he's a completely different person now. Whatever happened with the two of you has changed him, and it's changed you too. The love he feels for you is so strong it's practically coming out of his pores. It's sickening… He wouldn't have any reason to leave you. But no matter what you say I know how you think and feel and I know you ended it with him. Probably for some stupid, noble, self-deprecating reason.'

'So what exactly do you want me to do about it Draco?' Severus said wearily. 'I've already apologised to him. I sent him an owl.'

'You sent him an owl?' Draco scoffed. 'That's ridiculous. You're an idiot. Sending him an owl isn't going to change a bloody thing.'

'It's a damn sight more than I've ever done in the past!' Severus huffed.

Draco looked at him closely. 'And have you ever been happy in the past?'

Silence.

'That's what I thought.' Draco said softly. 'You can't behave towards him as you did in the past. He's already forgiven so much from you, from the both of us. You can't add to that pain, and then expect him to forgive you again. You need to respect him, as well as love him. He obviously respects you.'

'Do you think he respects you?' Severus retorted.

'This isn't about me. But yes I do, or at least I think he's trying to.'

'I don't think he respects me. If he did he would never have left my class in the first place.'

'Is that what this was all about? You're stupid pride over Harry not coming to your class anymore? Are you serious?' Draco exclaimed. 'That's it?'

'That's not why I left him if that's what you're asking. But it did trigger my reaction to him today.' Severus snapped, scarcely able to believe that he was having this conversation in the first place and with Draco of all people.

'You know why he left though surely?'

'I assumed it was because he had no respect for me as a teacher and felt as though he couldn't learn anything further from me.' Severus said quietly.

'You're such a git.' Draco said. 'He left because he couldn't bear to see you again. He couldn't bear the thought of you treating him just as if nothing had happened. And he obviously didn't trust himself to treat you that way either.'

'He told you all of this?' Severus asked scathingly. 'Since when have the two of you been confidants? He would never divulge this information to you.'

'It's written all over him.' Draco said flatly. 'Do you know he looked at you 37 times at dinner yesterday?'

Severus raised his eyebrows. 'You counted?'

'Call it research. Or morbid curiosity.'

'I see.'

'You have to fix this.' Draco said seriously.

'Why?'

'I told Harry that you didn't deserve to hurt like this. Well he doesn't either. You both deserve more. You have to fix it.'

'I don't know how. He has already said he's not interested anymore, so all this is just a moot point.' Severus sighed.

'He needs to know that you're serious.'

'I am serious.'

'But he needs to know that. Actions speak louder than words, you need to decide what's more important to you. An owl carrying a lame apology isn't going to cut it.'

With that Draco left the office, leaving Severus deep in thought, and more confused than ever.

…

Harry was well settled in his dormitory by the time dinner was over. He had no intention of leaving it that night, preferring his study to the noise, multitude of questions and inconspicuous glances that were sure to come his way in the common room. He found simply that he couldn't stomach the immaturity anymore, and much preferred his own company or that of his closest friends. Besides he was tired of pretending.

He was soon joined by Ron who simply sat quietly with him, saying not much of anything, seemingly content to study in silence.

'Where's Hermione?' Harry asked.

'The library.' Ron answered absentmindedly.

'You don't have to sit here with me you know.' Harry added after a few minutes.

'I know.'

Harry strongly suspected that Ron was simply sitting with him to make sure he was okay, and to make sure he didn't have another breakdown. Oddly enough this was fine by him.

It was nearing curfew when they heard the commotion coming from the common room. At first it was a combination of many voices exclaiming or perhaps protesting, and then it settled into a collective silence.

'What the hell is going on down there?' Ron said curiously.

Harry just shrugged. 'I'm sure we'll find out soon enough.'

The words had barely left his mouth when footsteps could be heard coming up the stairs to the dormitory.

'Told you.' Harry muttered.

It was Hermione who pushed the door open and came in, closing it firmly behind her.

'Harry there's someone here to see you.' She said seriously. 'Will you come down?'

'Who is it?' Harry asked tiredly.

'Professor Snape.'

She might as well have said that Voldemort himself had risen from the grave to have Sunday tea with him for all the sense it made.

'He's here?' he asked, flabbergasted. 'Why is he here?'

'He said he wants to talk to you, but you don't have to Harry, not if you don't want to. He's waiting downstairs.' She said.

'Well that explains the commotion.' Ron said smirking. 'I don't think a Slytherin has ever entered the Gryffindor lair just to talk before.'

'It has caused quite a stir.' Hermione said with a small smile. 'Especially after what happened in class today.' She added.

'Are you going to talk to him?' Ron asked.

Harry thought about it. He was tired of all of this and the last thing he wanted was to go downstairs as if summoned and have to follow Severus to his office for what he was sure would be a long lecture. 'Yes I'll talk to him, but he has to come up here. I'm not going anywhere.' He said firmly.

There was a sharp knock on the door.

'He followed me up here.' Hermione said quickly. 'C'mon Ron lets go downstairs.'

Ron glanced quickly at Harry before sliding off his bed and following Hermione to the door. 'Never thought I'd see the day...' He said softly shaking his head.

Hermione opened the door to reveal a very serious looking Severus behind it.

Hermione and Ron stepped past Severus through the door and headed downstairs. Harry thanked his lucky stars for their discretion when he imagined the bombardment of questions they would face in the common room.

Severus entered the room quickly and closed the door behind him. For a few moments he simply stood still, just looking at Harry, almost as if he was waiting for an invitation to come in.

Harry didn't give him one. He remained where he was, sitting comfortably on his bed. He supposed this was rude of him, but he didn't really care.

Eventually Severus crossed the room to sit opposite, perched precariously on the edge of the bed looking more than a little out of place. The situation would have been comical if not for the circumstances that led to it. Besides, Harry would never laugh at Severus, especially not when he was looking at him this way.

'I don't know what to say to you.' Severus said quietly.

'Then why did you come?'

'Because I didn't want to give up.'

'On me?' Harry questioned.

'Not on you. I'll never give up on you.' Severus said firmly. 'I meant on us, and perhaps also on myself.'

Harry nodded.

'I'm sorry.' Severus said quietly.

'I know. You said that in your note. And I forgave you remember?' Harry said, perhaps a bit more sharply than he intended.

'But you don't want to be with me?' Severus questioned

'You're the one who said you didn't want to be with me Severus. You said that it wasn't appropriate, and that even at the end of the school year you wouldn't be interested. I regret that my naivety stood in the way of realising that before I made a fool of myself.'

'Well things change. It seems as though the sensible part of me who knows what a terrible idea this is doesn't care anymore. I just want to be happy, and being with you made me happy for the first time in my life.'

Harry didn't know what to say.

'Why do you feel as if you made a fool of yourself?' Severus asked slowly. 'If anyone was made a fool of it was me.'

'I don't think so. Perhaps you made a fool of yourself today a little, but as far as anyone knows that was standard behaviour for you'.

Severus winced. 'You stopped me from making it worse.'

Harry shrugged. 'Perhaps. However I made a fool out of myself in front of you by believing that what we shared while I was staying with you was something real.'

'Harry. It was real; I never thought it wasn't real. I just thought it shouldn't continue.' Severus said seriously.

'I was foolish to believe that it could.' Harry said softly.

'You weren't foolish, merely hopeful.' He paused. 'As I am hopeful now.'

'Hopeful of what exactly?'

'You aren't going to make this easy for me are you?' Severus sighed.

'I'm not trying to be difficult.' Harry replied seriously. 'I'm just not sure what you're asking me.'

'I'm asking you to be with me Harry. I want to try again.' Severus said seriously, looking Harry in the eye.

Harry took a deep breath. 'I'm really sorry Severus but I can't.'

Severus dropped his eyes, focussing instead on the scarlet bedspread.

'It's just too hard, and I'm tired.' Harry said softly. 'I just want to move with on with everything, and try to be happy.'

'I wouldn't make you happy.' Severus said flatly. It wasn't a question.

'I don't know.' Harry said carefully. 'I guess I'm just not willing to take that chance anymore.' Even as he said it he felt a pang of regret, and the picture of the two of them from the mirror of Erised swam in front of his eyes, as if saying he was lying.

But Harry didn't care; he was tired of feeling foolish, and tired of being hurt. The image of the two of them had been a lie anyway, and besides who ever gained their deepest hearts desires?

Severus stood slowly from the bed. 'I'd better go then.' He said quietly. 'Thank you for talking to me.' He moved towards the door.

'Severus?' Harry asked as he opened it.

'Yes?' he asked, quickly turning to look at him.

'I'm sorry.'

'What for?' he asked, a small frown on his face.

'All sorts of things.' Harry said softly, swallowing the lump in his throat.

Severus looked at Harry for a few long moments, before nodding. He then turned and left, leaving nothing but silence behind him

It didn't take long for Ron and Hermione to return. It was perhaps only five minutes before they knocked on the door and entered the dormitory. Harry didn't know what to say to them.

'You ok?' Ron asked.

'Not really.' Harry replied honestly.

'Did he yell at you?' Ron asked. Hermione shot him a severe look.

Harry shook his head. 'What's the consensus down there?' he asked nodding in the general direction of the common room. 'I imagine you were expected to explain what he was doing here.'

'The theories were widespread and in some cases fairly creative.' Hermione said. 'They range from him storming up here because you refused to go to detention with him, to Voldemort has risen from the dead and the two of you are planning an attack. None of them have come close to the truth.'

Harry sat up quickly. 'You know the truth?' He asked, his voice rising slightly.

'We think so, well Draco guessed and we kind of think it makes sense.' Hermione said carefully.

'Personally I really hope he's wrong.' Ron growled.

'I bet you do.' Harry muttered. 'The only reason I didn't tell you is because he asked me not to.'

'Are you in love with him? Hermione asked bluntly.

'I thought I was. I'm not sure anymore.'

'Because of what happened today?' Hermione asked gently, nudging Ron in the ribs as he shuddered.

'Yeah, but also because of what happened when I left, and because of all that time in between when he wouldn't even look at me.'

'Oh he was looking at you alright. That's what tipped us off.' Ron said. 'That and how much you were looking at him in return.'

'Is he in love with you?' Hermione asked, ignoring Ron.

'Till a few minutes ago I would have said definitely not, but now I just don't know. He said he wants to be with me, despite everything he said before.'

'And you don't want that?' Ron asked in a hopeful voice.

'I guess what happened just changed things between us, and they can't just change back. I think I want more from him than he's willing to give.' Harry said. 'I don't want to waste any more time in my life being confused or uncertain, or unhappy.'

There was silence for a few moments.

'Harry don't you think enough time has already been wasted?' Hermione asked. 'For both of you? Do you really think if he didn't love you he would have come here tonight? He just walked in here, into your dormitory, in front of everyone. Do you really think he would have done that for nothing, for a whim?'

'I don't know.' Harry said sadly.

'Yes you do.' Ron said. 'As much as the concept revolts me we both know that you want to be with him, even that you could be happy with him. You shouldn't throw that away mate.'

'Harry I know you're afraid, but don't shut out your feelings, remember what Dumbledore told you about love?' Hermione asked.

'Yes.' Harry whispered.

'It's love that makes us human, that sets us apart. Its love and pain and fear that make us who we are. But we also have joy, and hope, and happiness. Don't shut them out Harry.'

Harry nodded. The lump in his throat was back. The truth was he missed Severus with every single fibre of his being, and he wanted nothing more than to go back to living in his quarters and being held in his arms. The feeling grew stronger and finally he stood up. 'I have to go.' He said abruptly.

'Yes you do.' Hermione agreed.

'It's after curfew.' Ron said. 'Take the cloak, and hope he doesn't yell at you.'

'He won't yell at me.' Harry said firmly.

He pulled on the cloak and snuck downstairs doing his best to ignore the rampant discussions in the common room on the mysterious visit from Severus Snape.

He soon arrived at Severus's office. The door to his quarters was closed unsurprisingly, and he hoped desperately that he would be there. He knocked loudly, and then when there was no answer he knocked again.

The door flew open to reveal an irate Severus Snape behind it. His face changed into one of shock when he saw Harry standing before him.

'What are you doing here?' He asked.

'I love you.' Harry said, a smile stretching wide across his face. 'I just wanted to tell you that.'

'I love you too.' Severus replied. 'It's after curfew.' He added, with a smile of his own.

Harry stepped closer and put his hand on Severus' chest, leaning close and whispering in his ear. 'Well then I guess I'd better stay here tonight.'

Severus pulled Harry towards him through the doorway by the front of his robes, closing the door behind him. 'I think you should never leave.' He whispered, running his hands along his face and kissing him soundly.

**A/N – I know it's been a long wait – but hopefully this was worth it. There is probably only one chapter left and then an epilogue. I thank every single one of you who has read this far whether you have left reviews or not. Having said that – please do review!**


	20. Echoes, Silence, Patience, and Grace

**Chapter 20 - Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace**

Harry was dreaming.

At least he thought he was. He was drifting in that blissful state that lies somewhere between awake and asleep. He was warm, comfortable, happy, protected, looked after, and safe.

Then he woke up.

At first he barely remembered where he was or what had happened the night before, but he slowly breathed in the air around him and the smell of sex, and he felt the warm body pressed up behind him, an arm draped over his middle.

Harry smiled.

Severus.

Harry rolled over to face him and gently pulled a lock of his hair from his face so he could look at him properly. He was still fast asleep, and Harry let his fingers trail slowly across his cheek.

'I missed you.' He whispered softly.

…

When Severus woke that morning the first thing he saw were a pair of brilliant green eyes locked onto his face.

Harry.

Harry smiled, his head pillowed on his hands, his feet tangled in Severus'.

For a few moments they just lay there together, side by side, looking at each other. Then Severus echoed Harry's earlier movements and lifted his hand to Harry's face, running one long finger down the length of his cheek.

'I want to lie here with you all day, just like now and forget everything else.' He said. 'But you know we have to talk about this.'

Harry sighed. 'I know. But I wish we didn't have to.'

'If we don't, it's all just going to resurface later. And I know that I can't take this again, and I don't think you could either.'

'No I couldn't.' Harry said. 'So let's talk about it. Tell me what happened. Why did you leave me?'

'Technically you left me.'

Harry frowned. 'If you're just going to be evasive about this then I'm not sure we're going to get anywhere.'

'Fine then, but answer me this first, why did you think that we would be able to continue our relationship once you'd gone back to Gryffindor tower?' Severus asked.

'It never occurred to me that we couldn't. I just didn't think about it that way, I think that I barely see myself as a student now, and it didn't occur to me that there would be a problem. I should have, it was naive of me' Harry said thoughtfully. 'And arrogant.' He added.

'Perhaps it was, and it surprised me, although not nearly as much as you describing yourself as arrogant just now.' Severus said with a smirk. 'I think part of me assumed that you wouldn't want to continue the relationship once you'd gone back to your dorm.'

'Why on earth would you think that?' Harry frowned.

'Harry, think about it from my perspective. Why would you want to be with a miserable, old, death eater? You're the hero of the wizarding world. You could have anyone.' Severus said quite sharply.

'I don't want anyone, I want you.' Harry replied.

There was silence.

'You were scared.' Harry said.

'Yes.'

'So you thought you'd just chuck me, so I couldn't chuck you first?'

Severus raised his eyebrows. 'I wouldn't put it quite like that.'

Harry shrugged. 'You left me because you were scared.'

'Yes.'

'So what's to stop you from doing that again?'

'You'll have to trust me.' Severus said looking him dead in the eye.

Harry closed his eyes. 'That's not so easy.'

'I realise that.'

'Severus I don't want to bring up the past. But I have to say that trusting you not to hurt me is not something I'm familiar with.' Harry said slowly. 'I was just starting to trust you fully with not only my life but my happiness, and you let me down. It's not going to be easy to trust you again.'

'You're scared too.' Severus said flatly.

'Yes.' Harry said. 'I am. But I also love you more than anything in this world, and my love for you outweighs my fear. I need to know if that's true for you too.'

Severus looked at Harry for a long time. 'Yes. It's true for me too.'

'Then we don't have a reason to be afraid anymore.' Harry said, taking Severus' hand and bringing it to his lips kissing it gently.

'Harry you know as well as I do that fear is not something that goes away just because we want it to. Whether there is reason for it or not. Just as trust is something that must be earned, not freely given just because we desire it. It takes time. It takes patience.' Severus said softly. 'You've never had much patience Harry.'

'I know.' Harry said, dropping Severus hand and rolling onto his back. 'I'm learning though. Besides it seems to me now as if all there is in the world is time, before during the war it was different. I felt like I was living in an hourglass desperately trying to stay on top of the sand that was disappearing beneath me, knowing that eventually I'd disappear too.'

'But you didn't disappear.'

'Well that's debatable. My sanity sure did. For a while at least.' Harry said frowning.

'I'm sorry I abandoned you Harry.' Severus said seriously. 'In all my hurt and anger I'd forgotten how this started. You were under my care for a reason.'

'And you took care of me. Don't put blame on yourself for my hallucinations. They had nothing to do with you, and I was cleared to leave when I did. It wasn't your responsibility anymore.'

'And how are you now? After all this stress? Its just the sort of thing you're supposed to avoid if you don't want to relapse.'

Harry raised his eyebrow at Severus. 'I haven't relapsed you idiot.'

'I'm relieved to hear that. But I don't imagine you are suddenly completely cured either.'

'No. But then neither are you.' Harry retorted.

'I'm not the one who had a breakdown Harry.' Severus said sharply.

'Maybe you need to.' Harry replied quickly. 'Perhaps then you wouldn't refuse to talk about it, or about anything that causes any kind of emotion in you. It's not healthy you know.'

'You didn't answer my question.' Severus said smoothly.

'What question?'

'How are you?' Severus asked. 'Are you still plagued by nightmares?'

'Of course I am.' Harry said shortly. 'We all are. It's going to take time, and patience as you said. Nothing just gets fixed overnight. Even with some sort of closure.'

'Is that what visiting the Chamber of Secrets was supposed to bring? Closure?' Severus asked.

'I think that was the point of going back to where it all happened yes. And I think for Ron and Hermione at least they found some sort of closure by visiting, not so much for me though.'

'So what do you need to bring about that kind of closure?' Severus asked softly. 'Where else do you need to go?'

Harry sighed. 'When I was alone, back in my dorm without you and trying to move on I thought about this. I have no desire or wish or need to visit the graveyard or the Department of Mysteries. I don't see any closure in them. I want to go back to the Shrieking Shack. That's where it ended for me in many ways. What happened there led me to the end, and to you.'

'I see.'

'I want you to come with me.' Harry said after a moment of silence. 'I need you to.'

Severus took a deep breath. 'Alright. I'll come, but I won't make you any promises. There are some questions that I just don't have any answers to.'

'Fair enough. Will you try and talk about it then?' Harry prodded.

Severus leaned in towards him and kissed him gently. 'For you my Harry, yes I'll try.'

Harry's heart skipped a beat. 'Thank you.'

'Don't get your hopes up Harry. I wouldn't be thanking me just yet.'

'Thank you for calling me yours.' Harry said softly.

Severus pulled Harry into his arms and kissed the top of his head. 'For that, you are welcome.'

…

Harry was late to breakfast that morning. Severus had kicked him out reluctantly saying that he had better show up or questions would be asked.

Hermione and Ron said nothing as Harry slipped into his seat beside them. Hermione raised her eyes slightly and Ron had a smirk on his face but the two of them were very restrained. Unlike Draco.

'Tell me the two of you worked your shit out last night?' he asked, plonking himself down in the seat opposite them.

'For goodness sake keep your voice down.' Hermione hissed.

'Why? The whole school knows that he came to see Harry in Gryffindor tower last night.' Draco said, stuffing a croissant into his mouth.

'Yeah but they don't know why.' Ron muttered

Draco shrugged. 'No one's going to hear it from me.'

'How did you know in the first place?' Harry asked. 'I can't imagine he told you.'

'I'm not an idiot, it was bloody obvious. Well to me anyway. You forget I've known him for most of my life.' Draco said. 'And no he didn't tell me, I told him, and then he confirmed it, reluctantly. He didn't tell you?'

'We had more significant things to discuss than you Malfoy.' Harry said drily.

'More significant things to do you mean.' Draco smirked. 'He must be a great shag, you're practically glowing.'

'Shut up.' Harry growled, feeling his cheeks turn red.

'Can we please not discuss it, its making me feel ill.' Ron said, looking rather pale.

'Ron please don't tell me you're one of those anti-gay wizards?' Draco scoffed.

'Can we please stop using the word gay at the breakfast table? Harry said. 'I don't actually want the whole world knowing just yet.'

'Relax Harry I cast muffliato as soon as Draco sat down.' Hermione said quickly.

'And I have no problems whatsoever with Harry being gay, it's the thought of him and Snape that's making me sick.' Ron said.

Harry smiled softly. 'You'll get used to it.'

Draco glanced up at the staff table. 'I see he still hasn't shown up.'

'He's not going to either.' Harry said quickly. 'He thought it would be a little too obvious if we both showed up here glowing as Draco put it.'

'You know it probably wouldn't be.' Hermione said. 'I really don't think anyone else would even consider the idea.'

'I bet McGonagall would work it out though.' Ron said. 'If she hasn't already. I mean we're Harry's friends and we figured it out easily enough. Surely Snape's friends would work it out too.'

'Severus doesn't have friends.' Harry said quietly. 'Not in the same way.'

'Yes he does.' Hermione said fiercely. 'He just doesn't know it yet.'

…

Harry stood waiting at the entrance to the shrieking shack, covered in his invisibility cloak. He had agreed to meet Severus here after curfew, secretly amazed that he had suggested something that was breaking so many school rules. However it was easiest and after their conjoined bad behaviour recently it did seem prudent to keep their renewed friendship (as far as everyone else knew) out of sight. Besides it was private, and Harry wanted it to stay that way.

'Take that ridiculous thing off.' Severus said as he stepped out of the shadows, startling Harry.

'You nearly gave me a bloody heart attack!' Harry said, pulling the cloak off. 'How did you know I was here?'

'Call it intuition.' Severus snapped. 'That bloody cloak has been the bane of my existence ever since I came to Hogwarts. I can usually tell when someone near me is under it.'

'That explains a lot.' Harry said thoughtfully. 'Hello by the way.' He added, smiling at Severus and leaning in to kiss him gently.

Severus deepened their kiss; pulling Harry into his arms and holding him close caressing Harry's tongue with his own, before pulling back and running his hand slowly down the length of his face. 'Hello.' He replied. 'Are you ready?'

Harry nodded.

Severus took his hand and slowly led him inside.

For a few moments they just stood there, Snape staring transfixed at the spot where he had lain bleeding to death. There was a large patch of dried blood on the floor.

'So much blood.' Harry whispered. 'I shouldn't have brought you here; you don't need to see this.'

'It's alright Harry.' Severus said, squeezing his hand.

'I left you there.' Harry whispered, and he sank to his knees as huge heaving sobs wracked forth from his body, tears of anger and hurt and self-loathing streaming down his face.

Severus didn't know what else to do except join him and he sat down next to where Harry had fallen and pulled him into his arms, holding him tightly until he had calmed down.

'It's not your fault Harry; you were supposed to leave me. That was the point.' Severus said, kissing the top of Harry's head.

'I thought you'd died, I looked into your eyes and I thought you died. And I didn't understand what you'd done. I didn't know what to feel.'

'I know. It's alright.'

'Severus how did you survive? Please tell me. There's so much blood.' Harry whispered his eyes still fixed on the spot on the floor.

'I don't really know. To tell the truth I thought I'd died. I wanted to die. Once I saw you all I could think about was getting my memories to you so you would understand. Then I wasn't needed anymore. There wasn't anything I could do to save you.' Severus said. 'I thought I'd never find you in time to show you the truth. And I wasn't sure I could convince you if I had found you.'

'I remember. You were desperate to find me. I remember you kept asking Voldemort over and over again if you could go and find me. You looked like a ghost, you were so still.'

'I was desperate, I thought he'd kill me before I could tell you, and then it would all have been for nothing. I can't believe you heard that. Where were you?' Severus asked, pulling Harry away from him and studying his face.

Harry nodded to the passage they had come through; the crate that had covered the entrance was to one side of it. 'I was wearing the cloak.' He whispered. I saw him attack you and I just let it happen. I didn't even try to stop him, I just let it happen.'

'It's not your fault, and it would have been the most foolish thing you'd ever done if you'd tried to save me then. At least your hatred of me had one positive result. Had you even the slightest regard for me you would have been your typical dunderhead self and thrown yourself into Voldemorts clutches to save me.' Severus scoffed.

'Yes that's probably true.' Harry agreed. 'I did hate you then, because I didn't understand, but I still knew it was wrong.'

'I know you did.' Severus said softly. 'Otherwise you would never have come out of hiding once Voldemort had left me to die.'

'I didn't want you to die alone.' Harry whispered, and a lone tear slid down his cheek.

Severus ran his thumb over his cheek, pushing the tear away. 'I didn't die Harry. And I wasn't alone, you were with me. Do you know that was the moment I stopped hating you?'

'It was? Why?'

'When I asked you to look at me it was because you have the exact same eyes as your mother, and I wanted so desperately to see them once more before I died. But when you looked at me all I could see was you, and your kindness in that moment touched me and it made me want to live. It made me want to come back so I could make things right with you, not for her, but for you.' Severus said. 'Do you understand that? It's important that you understand because I never for a moment want you to doubt my feelings for you, or to think that you are a replacement for your mother because you are not.' Severus said.

'I understand that you see me differently to her and it doesn't bother me that you loved her first. Perhaps if I remembered her I would feel differently but I never knew her. And I can hardly feel resentful of your feelings for her since it's those feelings that kept me alive for all these years, and saved you from Voldemort.' Harry said seriously. 'I don't know what I would have done if you'd died. I never realised just how horrible it was for you, and how much like my father I was until I saw your memories.'

'You are nothing like your father Harry, and you're nothing like your mother either. You are your own person, kind, stubborn, frustrating, brilliant, childish, and brave. And I love you.' Severus said firmly.

'I love you too.' Harry said, holding tight to the front of Severus robes his head on his chest listening to the beat of his heart. 'How did you survive?'

'I supposed I fell unconscious from blood loss, which is when you must have left me. When I came to I found Fawkes crying over me. His tears must have healed me. You know I hadn't seen that bloody bird since the day Dumbledore died but yet he still showed up to save my sorry life. I don't expect to ever see him again. I wonder why he did it.' Severus said slowly.

'Fawkes was loyal to Dumbledore, and he serves him still. There is no one alive or dead who was more loyal to Dumbledore than you. Of course he saved you.'

'I don't think I deserved it.'

'Severus you deserve to be celebrated, you deserve to have streets named after you and an order of Merlin first class, and huge piles of galleons. You deserve the world.' Harry said fiercely.

'Harry you forget that I was a Death Eater. I don't deserve accolades or attention; the pain and suffering I felt was my penance for the deaths I caused. I would have thought you of all people wouldn't have forgotten that.' Severus said sharply.

'I haven't forgotten that. But I know that doesn't mean you don't deserve to be happy now. You may not think it but its true, and I'm going to love you forever because that's what you deserve. You deserve it and so much more for saving my life and the lives of countless others over and over and over again.' Harry replied, pulling back and holding Severus' face in his hands.

Severus took Harry's hands off his face and held them both in his own. 'Harry tell me that's not why you're with me? Out of guilt? Or misplaced gratitude?'

Harry sighed. 'I can't believe you'd think that. Of course that's not why I'm with you. You told me the moment you stopped hating me, well I think that was the same moment I stopped hating you. For the longest time I thought that my feelings for you were a result of a mixture of gratitude and admiration, Ron said it was hero worship.'

'How do you know it wasn't?'

Harry smiled. 'Remember the night you found me out of bed after curfew? The night Ron, Hermione and I visited the third floor corridor?'

'Yes.'

'Well that was the night I realised I was in love with you. That what I felt for you was more than gratitude or admiration, that I desired you.' Harry said.

'And how did you come upon this epiphany?' Severus asked.

'I looked in the mirror of Erised.'

'You what?'

'I looked in the mirror of Erised.' Harry repeated. 'I was curious. And I wanted to see if I'd still see my parents if I looked in it.'

'And you saw me?' Severus asked incredulous.

'I saw us.' Harry corrected. 'We were standing together holding hands and you were looking at me like I was the most precious thing in the world. And I wanted so desperately for it to be true; I could have stood and looked at it all day long.'

'Really?'

'Yes.'

'I believe you.'

'I'm sorry for what Voldemort did to you.' Harry said after a moment.

'I'm sorry for joining him, and for all the other actions I did in his name.' Severus said.

'I know you are. And I know it's going to take time to talk about it, but I'm here when you're ready to.'

Severus stood slowly, pulling Harry to his feet with him. 'He's taken enough of our time. This place holds no meaning for us anymore Harry. We have each other, and we can start again.'

'We can start again.' Harry said, lacing his fingers through Severus' gently. 'If we're brave enough.'

'We're brave enough.' Severus said.

The two of them headed quietly to the door, not looking behind them. Once they were outside Harry paused. 'Can you hear that?'

'I don't hear anything.' Severus said.

'The silence.' Harry said. 'I used to hear them screaming. Everyone who died that night. I used to hear echoes of their screams all the time in my head. But now it's just silence.'

'Just silence.' Severus repeated.

'Take me home.'

Severus took Harry by the hand and led him back towards the castle.

**A/N – I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and I apologise for how long it's taken to write. I also want to thank you all for reading and for the kind reviews you have left. They are all appreciated so much. There is only the epilogue left to go now. I hope you've all enjoyed this story as much as I have.**


	21. Epilogue

**A/N - Well here it is finally! My apologies for this taking such a long time to get done. Most of you have probably completely forgotten what this story was even about by now! At any rate I hope you enjoy this all the same!**

Epilogue

Hogwarts was awash with excitement.

After sitting through what Harry suspected was the world's most boring graduation ceremony, the 7th years were finally free and they were showing it. In fact most of the class had a first grade hangover from the night before (an all night party held in the room of requirement with copious amounts of Firewhiskey). Harry had shown up in Severus's quarters completely intoxicated and begging for sex. Severus had taken one look at him and kicked him out with the promise that if he didn't go quietly he'd take every point Gryffindor had earned that year (he had however kissed him goodnight before he kicked him out, which was fairly brave of him considering the situation).

Harry, Hermione and Ron were seated under a tree by the lake watching the giant squid for what they suspected was the last time. Hermione was leaning up against Ron her head on his chest, and Harry was eyeing them enviously.

'I wish I could do that.' He grumbled.

'Harry you can lean on my chest anytime' Ron said with a smirk.

'Git'. Harry huffed.

'It's just one more day Harry, then you and Severus can snog in public if you want to.' Hermione said. 'Although I can't see him wanting to.' She added after a moment.

'Probably not.' Harry agreed. 'But we could hold hands, and not worry about it at least.'

'In one more day.' Hermione repeated.

Harry shrugged, 'I don't even see the point of waiting, everyone knows now anyway, it's been the topic of discussion for weeks. Neither of us are coming back next year so who cares?'

'Clearly Severus does or he'd be here with us right now and you could lean against him to your heart's content.' Ron said lazily.

'He's a bloody pain in the ass.' Harry grumbled.

Ron broke into peals of laughter at that comment and took several moments to calm down. Harry went bright red when he realized what he'd said.

'Oh Ron knock it off, you know what I mean.' He said, smacking the back of Ron's head.

'On the subject of everyone knowing about it,' Hermione continued, 'What exactly did McGonagall say to you both when she called you into her office last week? You said it was fine, but what exactly did she say?'

'I can't picture McGonagall bringing that up with the both of you. How the hell did she start that conversation?' Ron asked.

'She looked at us both and said "the rumor mill at present seems certain that the two of you are in a relationship together. Don't give me any details just a simple yes or no if this is true." To which Severus replied "yes". She then nodded and said "very good" and that was it.'

'Blimey that was a lot of worry over nothing wasn't it?' Ron said.

Harry smiled, 'I was never particularly worried about it but yes it does make things easier.'

'Has Severus decided what he wants to do with himself now he isn't returning to teach next year?' Hermione asked.

'There's been a lot of talk about potions and businesses and Diagon Alley, but he hasn't made any firm plans as yet.' Harry said lazily. 'To be honest I think the mere thought that he can actually make plans now is almost more exhilarating than he can cope with.'

'It makes me wonder why he came back this year at all.' Ron said after a moment. 'It's not like he ever really enjoyed teaching in the first place.'

'I think it was more that he didn't know what to do instead. And like us he felt like he needed to come back here one more time, in order to move on.' Harry said thoughtfully.

'Sounds like us really.' Hermione commented. 'We certainly felt like we needed to come back here.'

'He is like us.' Harry replied softly.

'You really love him don't you?' Hermione asked, looking at him sideways.

'More than I ever thought possible.' Harry said. 'More and more every day.'

'I'm glad. You both deserve it.' She replied.

'Have you told him about the house yet?' Ron asked.

'No not yet. I'm nervous about telling him. I'm not sure what he'll say.'

'But you've talked about it right?' Ron pressed.

'About living together? Yes we've talked about it; in fact tomorrow I'm going to stay with him. Nothing else has been decided though' Harry said frowning slightly.

'He'll love it Harry. It's perfect.' Hermione said firmly.

'I hope so.' Harry said.

…

Severus had promised to meet Harry at Kings Cross, and was patiently waiting when the train arrived. He didn't really see the need for Harry to ride home on the train (as they could simply have walked to Hogsmeade and then apparated to Spinners End) but Harry had insisted that he take the train with his friends one last time.

Severus found himself wondering just how he had got so soft in such a short time that he was now waiting for his boyfriend's train to arrive. Actually just the mere thought that he had a boyfriend (and a Gryffindor one at that) was enough to make him think he'd gone a bit crazy. He couldn't seem to help it though, and he didn't particularly want to. Thinking of Harry's face, his brilliant eyes and dark messy hair made Severus's stomach curl up with excitement. He was about to start his life again, and for the first time he was looking forward to his future, to their future together.

When the train finally arrived, Harry was one of the last to get off which meant that practically the whole station was watching when he jumped onto the platform and threw his arms around Severus' neck.

'I thought this day would never come.' He said emphatically.

'You and me both Harry.' Severus said wryly, disengaging himself from Harry's arms.

'Not a big fan of PDA I take it.' Harry said with a smirk.

Severus raised his eyebrows in question.

'Public displays of affection'. Harry said

'Ah', Severus said lightly. 'No. You can't be surprised to hear that though .'

'Not surprised no, maybe just a little disappointed.'

'Come here.' Severus said softly, pulling Harry to him and gently kissing his lips. 'Better?'

Harry smiled. 'Yes much.'

Much of the student population was watching this scene, and Severus had no intention of letting them get away with it. 'Sod off you idiots and leave us alone.' He said to the crowd in general, before turning back to Harry. 'Are you ready to go?'

'Severus?' Harry said tentatively. 'Can we go somewhere first? I have something I want to show you.'

Severus nodded. 'Take me wherever you like Harry.'

Harry reached out and took his hand, 'Keep your eyes closed.' He instructed, before apparating them both.

…

'Keep your eyes closed.' Harry instructed again, once they had arrived at their destination.

'They're closed you twit.' Severus said as he felt Harry's hands on him, moving him forward slightly.

'Okay are you ready?' Harry asked nervously.

'I think the more appropriate question is whether you're ready Harry, I may have my eyes closed but I'm not the one shaking with nerves.' Severus smirked.

'Okay, then open your eyes.' Harry replied poking him gently in the ribs.

Severus opened his eyes. Before him was the most beautiful cottage he had ever seen. Surrounded by trees, it was a small but not too small, red brick cottage with ivy crawling up the walls. It was completely secluded, not another house in sight. It was perfect. 'Show me inside Harry.' He said taking him by the hand.

Harry led him the rest of the way down the tree lined path, and pushed open the front door. The cottage was bigger inside than out, with three bedrooms and two bathrooms, a kitchen, and a library. Or at least Severus assumed it was a library judging from the shelved lined walls. 'I like this room.' He said with a smile.

'I thought you would.' Harry smiled. 'You're imagining all your books in here aren't you?'

Severus nodded. 'Where are we?' He asked.

'Just outside of Surrey.'

Severus nodded again.

'What do you think?' Harry asked quietly.

'I think the house is perfect for us. Where is the rest of the furniture?' Severus asked.

'Well the furniture here is what came with the house when I bought it; I hoped we could get the rest together. I thought that buying the house was enough to do on my own, and I want it to be our house so I wanted you to make it ours with me, but no one has ever done anything nice for you your whole life and I wanted to surprise you.' Harry trailed off.

'You bought this house?' Severus said with raised eyebrows.

'Yes. Are you angry?'

'Not at all.' Severus said gently, crossing the room and taking Harry in his arms. 'I'm only surprised that you managed to keep this a secret from me for so long.'

'Can we make our home here?' Harry asked.

'Anywhere we are will be our home, as long as we're together. But yes Harry I'd love to make our home here. Thank you.' Severus said softly and kissed Harry on the forehead.

'I love you.' Harry whispered.

'I love you too.' Severus replied, running his hand down Harry's arm and taking his hand, rubbing his thumb gently along the back of it.

There was a large mirror on the wall across from them and Harry found himself looking at their reflection. It was the image from the Mirror of Erised.

'I'm so lucky.' Harry whispered.

The end.

**A/N – Thank you so much to everyone who read this story. I would really love it if you read the whole thing to leave me a review telling me why you kept reading, and what your favorite parts of the story were. Also please let me know if you would like me to continue writing and if so what kind of stories you'd like to see me write. I will reply to every review written for this chapter. **

**Thank you all again for your kind words**

**Aofie**


End file.
